


Richard's Redemption

by Catstaff



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Bigotry & Prejudice, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-27
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-02-06 12:16:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 54,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1857741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catstaff/pseuds/Catstaff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you go on after betraying your friends? Especially when they only think they know why you did it... and you're petrified of what will happen if they discover the real reasons. Cameron's POV, returning to Welton following winter break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at ff.net and re-posted at Dead Poets Walking, re-posted here with some typos, grammatical issues, and a glaring canonical error concerning Todd's birth date corrected.

They don't understand why I did it. They all think I'm nothing but a suck-up and a fink. I suppose that's true, but not for the reasons they think. They don't know what I've been hiding so desperately all these years. They don't know the loss I felt when the news came. I've never showed it, never showed anyone my real feelings. But I needed to hurt someone else as badly as I was hurting. It couldn't be them, and it couldn't be Neil's father, so there was no one left but Mr. Keating. Neil had pretty well worshipped the man anyway, so it must have been his fault. Or so I told myself. 

I just wish it had worked. But all it did was make the others turn on me. Especially when Todd Anderson pulled that little stunt of climbing onto his desk in front of Dean Nolan, when Mr. Keating came for his things. What surprised me the most was that everyone followed along. Even me. 

And now it's welcome back to “Hell-ton” following the winter break. Welcome back to a class missing two of its members. Welcome back to the place where I no longer have anyone willing to count me as a friend, however grudgingly. Welcome back to an announcement from Dean Nolan that everyone was getting new dorm assignments, to “keep us from dwelling on the past.” As if anything is going to stop that from happening. 

*******************************************************************************************************************************************************

I sigh as I head towards the dorm following the start-of-term ceremony in the school chapel, wondering who my new roommate will be. Hopefully no one as crazy as Charlie Dalton was. Nuwanda. But I'm sure they'll have made sure not to put any of the members of the Dead Poet's Society together, since they're trying to make like Neil never lived and died. And why does it still hurt so much to think of it? He never really liked me, I know that. My fault, really, but I never really wanted anyone to like me. At least not until I learned what it felt like to be truly despised. I hope my new roommate is from one of the other sections of the class. At least if he is, he won't have known Neil quite so well. 

But my heart nearly stops when I check the board for the new listings. Anderson? They're putting me in with Todd Anderson? I drop my suitcase, I'm so surprised. As I pick it up and straighten up again, a hand lands on my shoulder. I manage not to yelp, but I do jump a little. 

“Mr. Cameron, I'm sorry to have startled you,” Dean Nolan says. “I'm sure you've seen your new room assignment. As I'm sure you know, Mr. Anderson refused to sign the statement against your former teacher. I felt it best to have him rooming with someone the faculty knows they can rely upon to report any further irregularities in his behavior. Do you understand?” 

“Yes, sir, I do,” I reply automatically. 

“Good.” Dean Nolan nods once, looking over the pile of yet-unclaimed suitcases sitting by the notice board. “Have a successful term, Mr. Cameron.” 

I head for the stairs as the Dean walks away. Wonderful. Even the Dean is convinced that I'm nothing more than a bootlicker. For the first time, I seriously consider chucking it all. But I'm too scared. I don't know how to do anything but meet the expectations of those in authority. Until earlier this year, it never even occurred to me that there might be other options. 

The room is empty when I get there, although Todd's suitcase is open on one of the beds. He must be off greeting someone else. Probably Overstreet. Or Meeks, or Pitts. No matter. I unpack methodically, preferring the solitude to the silent treatment I know I would get if any of the others was in here talking to Todd. He'd changed almost out of recognition in the last couple of weeks of the old term. It was as if a switch had been thrown in him, from the moment he stood up on his desk in defiance of Dean Nolan and in honor of Mr. Keating. The hesitant and shy Todd Anderson had vanished, and the new Todd Anderson seemed almost cocky. As if he was serving notice that he no longer had anything to lose. 

Maybe he didn't. 

Neil had been Todd's first real friend. Even I could see that. Neil had stood between him and a lot of teasing, had smoothed his way socially with the others, and encouraged his writing. I'd wondered sometimes, was there something about Todd in particular that made Neil want to help him? Or was it just Neil being Neil, helping out the new and nervous person who'd been randomly assigned as his roommate? I wondered if Neil might have liked me better if we'd been assigned together as nervous new students... if maybe he would have seen through my walls the way he seemed to have seen through Todd's. But that had been five years ago, and fate had given me Chet Danburry as a roommate back then, and the only thing Chet did was convince me that hiding my feelings was the best way to avoid becoming his punching bag. I was glad when he flunked out the following year. But by then, I never wanted anyone to know how I felt about anything. 

I wish I'd been able to tell Neil how much I liked him. 

Todd returns to the room as I shove my empty suitcase under the bed. My breath catches in my throat slightly as I look up at him. With that new confidence or cockiness or whatever it was, the way he walks now reminds me of Neil when he'd gotten the role of Puck in the Henley Hall play. Todd's eyes are different, though. Neil's had sparkled with the joy he'd had in doing something he really enjoyed. Todd's eyes only show pain and loss, which made me want to comfort him somehow. 

But I don't even have time to stand before a shutter drops down behind Todd's eyes. He sweeps me with a look of disdain... which I deserve... and turns his back to finish his own unpacking. I sit on my bed, trying not to watch as Todd moves from the bed to the wardrobe and back again. He never says a word. 

I have a feeling it's going to be a long term.


	2. chapter 2

I deliberately skip breakfast in the morning. If it's going to be as bad as I think, I'd rather put it off a little while longer. I still have some coffeecake left from the trip up. My mother always packs twice what the family could possibly eat for the drive up here. Besides, I'm not that hungry anyway. 

Chemistry, Latin, trigonometry... the first few classes pass in a bit of a haze. Aside from Neil and Charlie being gone, nothing much is changed there. Of course, those are the classes that I've always enjoyed for the relative ease. All that's needed is to memorize and repeat back what you've memorized. There's no need for discussions of meanings and possible interpretations. Everything is simple, everything follows rules. It's right or it's wrong. 

Then the class I've come to dread most. English. I feel as though everyone is staring at me as I hurry into the classroom and take a seat. Without a word, Gerard Pitts gets up from the desk beside me and moves to the other side of Steven Meeks. Before I realize what's happening, all the desks surrounding my seat have been vacated, leaving me alone. I look down, feeling my face burning. The room goes quiet as footsteps sound from the doorway. 

“Mr. Overstreet, Mr. Anderson,” Nolan barks as he enters the room. “I see five vacant desks here. There is no reason you need to be sharing a seat. Over the years, I've come to accept a certain about of horseplay as normal, but I insist upon propriety in the learning environment. Mr. Anderson, you will kindly relocate to one of the vacant spots before I am forced to give you both demerits.” 

I hadn't even noticed that Todd and Knox were trying to share a desk rather than have to sit near me. I see Todd's knuckles whiten on his books as he drops into the seat beside me. I notice a few doodles on the cover of his notebook. A heart containing the letter N catches my attention. That surprises me a little. As shy as Todd has been, I never would have figured him to have a girl back home. 

Nolan waits for a moment, then moves straight into the lesson. “Open your Pritchards to page 105, the sonnets of William Shakespeare.” He glances around for a moment, then chooses, “Mr. Chapman, you will please read Sonnet XVIII aloud.” 

Not me, not me, thank God not me. Two rows over, Jim Chapman stood, reading. 

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?  
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:  
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,  
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:  
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,  
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;  
And every fair from fair sometime declines,  
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;  
But thy eternal summer shall not fade  
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;  
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,  
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:  
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,  
So long lives this and this gives life to thee." 

Neil's summer should have been eternal. He ought to be here still, with that sparkle in his eye as he practiced his lines as Puck, or read from Mr. Keating's old book of poetry in the cave at the meetings. I drop my pencil as the words on the page before me blur suddenly, leaning over to pick it up before anyone has the chance to notice my expression... to notice that I am holding back tears. Not that they'd understand why. 

As I straighten up, I can hear Nolan starting his analysis of the sonnet. Beside me, Todd sits very still, not taking notes at all. I sneak a glance over. His face is stark white, his eyes tortured. I just barely hear his whisper, “...one of Neil's favorites...” 

I make it through class, barely, and hide in the nearest bathroom. I know I ought to eat something, but I'm not sure I can. It's all hitting me so much worse now, than when it happened. Something about seeing Todd's grief is making it that much harder for me to hide my own. Men aren't supposed to cry, damn it! I flush the toilet a couple of times, to hide the sobs I can't hold back. I don't want them to know I'm crying. And they'd never believe why. Or worse, they would believe it. And then... and then... 

And then they'd have everything they needed to destroy my life as badly or worse than I destroyed Mr. Keating's. Maybe Neil's solution... but I'm too scared to try that, either. Still. Maybe I would get to see his face again if I did. 

I wait until all the noises have stopped before coming out of the stall. I wash the tearstains off my face and sneak into the dining room for lunch. I still have the afternoon classes to get through.


	3. chapter 3

I survived that first day, and the last few weeks as well. It hasn't been comfortable, though. A little easier, perhaps, as the never-ending round of classes and homework and study sessions reabsorb most of the class, but it still isn't comfortable. Some of the others are talking to me again, but it's in the form of polite greetings and the occasional question about a class assignment. I'm no longer in any study groups, because no one in my section wants to associate that closely with me anymore. So I sit alone with my books in the corner of the dorm lobby, working alone and listening to the snatches of conversation swirling about me. 

One such conversation catches my attention. I hear Knox Overstreet talking to Todd, Meeks, and Pitts about the upcoming St. Valentine's Ball with Henley Hall. “Chris is coming,” he tells them with a smile, referring to local girl Chris Noel, a Ridgeway High cheerleader. She used to date Chet Danburry, but she's been with Knox since the night Neil died. “This will be our first time officially appearing as a couple, and not just casually dating,” he adds proudly. “Oh, and she tells me that Ginny Danburry is going to Connecticut for the weekend, as Nuwanda's date for the Choate Valentine's Ball.” 

“How's he settling in down south?” Meeks asks. 

“Pretty well, from what I heard,” Knox chuckles. “And he sends his thanks to you, Todd. He remembers that Neil tried to fix you up with Ginny when they were in rehearsals together, and he's eternally grateful that you declined the opportunity.” 

Todd looks uncomfortable. “I... yeah. She seemed nice and all...” he mumbles. “Just... not really my type, I guess.” 

Knox laughs. “Right, what you really mean is, you'd rather go stag to the dance, so you don't have to look at the same girl all night!” 

Todd flushes a bit as the others laugh. Pitts elbows Knox, “As if you were any different last year, Knoxious!” 

Knox elbows back and the two get into a mild scuffle, earning themselves a demerit apiece from Dr. Hager, looking in to remind us that lights out is in half an hour. I pack up and head upstairs, figuring on getting my shower before the mad rush for the bathrooms starts. 

I stop off at the room to leave my books and grab my pajamas, then I pause for a moment. There's a piece of paper on the floor near the wastebasket between the desks. I pick it up and smooth it out, unsure at first if it's a piece of scrap that missed the basket, or class notes fallen out of a book. Todd's writing leaps out at me. 

**Smile in my memories  
Your warm eyes gazing into mine   
The brush of your hand on my neck   
Dreaming of the day you would be mine. **

**The dream shattered in a smell of powder  
And a pool of blood. **

I hastily toss the paper into the wastebasket and grab my pajamas, escaping into the bathroom before Todd can come upstairs and find me reading his poetry. The implications of what he'd written pound through my head. The poem is about Neil, has to be about Neil. Todd and Neil. Todd and Neil. Damn. But nothing else makes sense. The image of Todd's notebook flashes into my mind... the heart with the letter N inside. Todd nearly breaking down in class that first day back, whispering that the sonnet was one of Neil's favorites. Todd laughing with Neil, helping him with his lines. Neil coaxing Todd out of his shell from the moment they met as roommates. 

I reach out with a muffled sob, cutting off the hot water and standing under the freezing spray for a long moment, hoping the cold will distract me from my thoughts. But there's no real escape, no way of avoiding the obvious conclusion. Todd is in the room when I get back, stacking his books on his desk in preparation for tomorrow's classes. 

He ignores me as usual, but I watch through slitted eyes as he pauses to gaze at a picture of the Dead Poets Society that he keeps on his desk. We were out on the soccer field when it was taken. Knox and Charlie... Nuwanda... are clowning around in the photo, giving each other rabbit ears with their fingers. Meeks and Pitts are holding their crystal radio parts and looking sheepish. Neil is in the center of the photo, smiling steadily at the photographer. Todd and I are on opposite sides of the picture, turned slightly so that we're looking as much at Neil as at the camera. Todd brushes a finger over Neil's face in the photo as he sets it back down. 

In that moment, I'm sure. Todd is hiding the same secret that I am. I roll over to face the wall, afraid he might see something in my face before he turns out the light. Besides, I'm not sure what my face might be showing right now... surprise and even relief that I'm really not the only one, or jealousy that Todd was so much closer to...him... than I ever had the chance to be. 

For once in my life, there in the dark dorm room, I let the tears come.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, I do the unthinkable. I skip my classes. I can't face the others, not with the thoughts going through my mind right now. So I go to the infirmary with a not-completely-feigned headache. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and my eyes are still red-rimmed from the crying I did last night. Between that and the fact that I hardly ever come to the infirmary, the nurse doesn't hesitate to give me a couple of aspirins and an excuse note to give to my teachers tomorrow. I go back to my room and throw myself face down on the bed, thankful for the solitude. 

But then again, the solitude just makes it harder to stop thinking. I know what I'm supposed to do, of course, I'm supposed to go tattle to Nolan that I think my roommate is queer. That's the smart thing to do, the safe thing to do. But I can't do it. Look what happened to me the last time I did the so-called right thing. Besides which, I have no reason to want to hurt Todd. Quite the opposite in fact. 

And that brings me to the thought I've been trying to avoid. I don't want to hurt Todd. From the moment he almost broke down in English class over the sonnet, I've wanted to take him in my arms and comfort him. And maybe more, I admit to myself uncomfortably. I absolutely don't want to get him expelled for something that I know he can't help being... no more than I want to be expelled for it. I fall asleep. 

_I'm walking through the woods near the cave. Firelight flickers within. I hear voices as I draw closer and peer inside. Neil and Todd are reciting poetry to each other. I am struck by the intensity as they gaze into each others' eyes... it's the same expression Knox Overstreet wears when he's talking about Chris Noel. I suddenly feel very much alone, wishing with all my heart to have that sort of closeness. Neil takes Todd's hand and begins reciting Shelley's “The Indian Serenade” to Todd._

_"I arise from dreams of thee In the first sweet sleep of night,_  
_When the winds are breathing low,_  
_And the stars are shining bright._  
_I arise from dreams of thee,_  
_And a spirit in my feet_  
_Has led me -who knows how?_  
_To thy chamber-window, Sweet!"_

_I creep closer, within the cave now, unnoticed by the other two, as intent as they are upon each other. Todd replies with the second verse._

_"The wandering airs they faint_  
_On the dark, the silent stream -_  
_The champak odours fail_  
_Like sweet thoughts in a dream;_  
_The nightingale's complaint,_  
_It dies upon her heart,_  
_As I must die on thine, O beloved as thou art!"_

_I can't bear it anymore. I've always been the odd man out. Meeks and Pitts with their love of gadgets and tinkering with crystal radios and such... Knox's passion for Chris and Nuwanda's passion for anything female... and now seeing Neil and Todd like this, seeing Todd where I was never willing to admit I wanted to be... I fall to my knees with a strangled sob, pouring my heart into the final verse of the poem._

_"Oh lift me from the grass!_  
_I die! I faint! I fail!_  
_Let thy love in kisses rain_  
_On my lips and eyelids pale._  
_My cheek is cold and white, alas!_  
_My heart beats loud and fast;_  
_Oh press it close to thine again,_  
_Where it will break at last!"_

_I wait for the scorn, the ridicule, even the anger because I've ruined their moment. But instead I feel two pairs of arms slipping gently around me. I lean into the warmth of the embrace, unashamed of the tears trickling down my cheeks. “You should have trusted sooner,” Neil says, lightly chiding me. “Dreams are all I have left now.” With that, he leans in and kisses me._

_The rational part of my mind simply vanishes as I return the kiss with all the longing I've never permitted myself to show before. As we kiss, Neil and Todd merge together so that when the kiss ends, Todd is the only one in my arms. “One more before we have to go back?” I beg. Todd smiles, leaning in to press his lips to mine once more... and it feels so right... and so very, very good..._

I jerk awake with a low moan, noticing almost immediately that the pillow under my cheek is wet with tears, and that a spot beneath my middle is damp as well. Thank goodness I'm still alone in the room. That's not the sort of dream one wants to have in front of a wide-awake roommate, especially when said dream features that particular roommate. 

I get up and wash up, then go back to the room to try to do some studying. I'm not entirely sure what to do from here. But I do know that I will not say a word to Nolan against Todd, no matter what happens between now and the end of the school year.


	5. chapter 5

It's Saturday... Valentine's Day. I wake up from yet another dream of Todd... I've had them every night since that first one... only to find Todd smirking at me as I once again toss my pajamas into the laundry hamper. “Spirit of the season getting to you, Cameron?” he asks sarcastically. “Why not just admit you're a mortal like the rest of us, and whack off before you go to bed? It'll save you the money for the extra laundry.” It's the first time he's spoken to me since Neil died. 

I can feel my face burning, of course, the more so because he is the object of my dreams. But I can hear the hurt in his voice, and I understand that kind of pain... the pain that makes you want to lash out at anyone and anything, because there's nothing that can be done anymore to take the pain away, and all you can do is try to make sure you're not the only one hurting. I swallow nervously and mumble out, “Uh... yeah... maybe I will.” 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Todd looking a little puzzled by my response. I think he expected me to get mad and reply with something equally sarcastic. I hurry to get dressed. As a Welton Society candidate, I'm one of the ones expected to greet the girls arriving from out of state, guests of Welton students up for the Valentine's Ball. I eat breakfast hastily, then join the line of other Welton Society candidates to await the arrivals and show them to the guest hall. I find it somewhat amusing that the system is set up like this... that a fellow isn't allowed to greet his own date. But I suppose the administration worries about what might happen if a fellow was to bring his own date to her bedroom. With most of them, they'd be right to worry. 

After three hours, I've carried four suitcases and three dress bags belonging to four young ladies upstairs... a Miss Marjorie Prescott insists on carrying her own dress, claiming that it was “bad luck” for a man other than her date to touch it before the start of the dance. I know from her chatter that she's here as the guest of one of the seniors, so maybe she's hoping he'll propose to her at the dance tonight or something. I think she's rather silly, but at least it isn't me she's trying to sink her manicured nails into. However, she does promise me a dance for being “so understanding” about the dress thing. 

The rate of arrivals slows dramatically as lunch hour approaches. Dr. Hager dismisses half of the reception committee to go eat, admonishing them to hurry and return so the rest of us can also eat. I'm with the group that remains on duty for now. But only two more cars pull up before the others return, so Dr. Hager tells the rest of us not to bother returning after we eat. According to his list, there are only two more arrivals expected. 

I eat quickly and wander down to the lake, wanting to be alone for a while. I wonder, not for the first time, if I might have been different if I hadn't been stuck with Chet Danburry as a roommate back when I started at Welton. I had cried, my first night here, because I was only twelve and homesick. I'd tried to hide it, but Chet noticed anyway. But he didn't ignore me or try to comfort me. He hit me, calling me a sissy and a mama's boy, and then told me if I cried again, he'd tell the headmaster that I was a fairy and get me kicked out of school. Back then, I didn't know what he meant by that, but I knew my parents were so pleased that I'd been accepted to Welton that I didn't want to disappoint them by getting expelled. So I learned to control my tears and hide my fears. And when I realized a couple years later that I indeed was... the way I am... I learned to hide that, too. I rest my chin on my knees, looking out over the lake. 

Queer. Fag. Fairy. The other way. Homosexual. It's funny, the stereotypes that go along with those words. Men who prefer men are supposed to be small, thin, and limp-wristed, and walk with mincing steps and talk with a lisp. And they're all supposed to be in theater or fashion design. I've been trying to hide it from myself for two years now, trying to make myself believe that I'd grow into liking girls eventually. Trying to pretend I'm normal. After all, I don't mince when I walk. I don't lisp. My handshake is as firm as anyone's. I enjoy watching the occasional play, but I've never wanted to act in one, and I certainly am not itching to design clothes. I am normal. 

Except for one small detail. I am also queer. I remain by the lake until the bell rings the half-hour warning for dinner.


	6. chapter 6

When I hear the bell, I head inside and up to my room. Todd is there already, changing into the required formal clothing for tonight's dinner and the ball. I've had some practice with formal wear, between prior years' school dances and having been an usher in my cousin Sarah's wedding last summer. I'm dressed relatively quickly, while Todd is having trouble with his bow tie. A glance at the clock shows me that we're getting short on time, so I take the plunge. 

“Todd? Would you like help with that?” I ask. 

He peers at me suspiciously for a long moment. I can almost see him debating which is the lesser evil... accepting my help, or taking the demerits for being late or improperly attired to the dinner. “Um, sure,” he mumbles, his fingers working to undo the mess of his latest attempt at tying it. 

I step in front of him and re-settle the tie around his neck. He lifts his chin to give me more room to work. I start to chatter, a small part of me thinking that I must sound like that Miss Marjorie Prescott from earlier who insisted on carrying her own dress upstairs today... but if I don't, I'll notice how very close his lips are to mine because of how we're standing. “I needed help with mine last year,” I tell him. “Jim Chapman and Knox Overstreet had a tidy little business going... a nickel per tie tied. I understand they made a buck-fifty apiece. But I was in my cousin's wedding over the summer, so my father showed me how to do it properly, since we had time to practice.” My fingers work rapidly as I talk. “If you want, I'd be happy to show you how sometime when we're not rushed for time. And there you go.” 

Todd steps back and looks at himself in the mirror. Then he turns to me with an almost puzzled expression on his face. “I... thanks, Cameron,” he says, a little stiffly. 

“You're welcome, Todd,” I reply. “We'd better hurry.” 

“Right,” he answers, and heads out the door. 

I follow, hoping that maybe things will improve a little now. Todd and I have managed a civil exchange of words at last. Maybe now the room won't always be so cold and silent. My dreams aside, I know I can't really expect Todd to want to become my friend. I know he blames me for Mr. Keating. But I'd be happy with the occasional hello or how are you. Anything other than the pretense that I don't actually exist. 

We step out into the hallway, filled with sophomores, juniors and seniors in evening garb. The younger boys have eaten earlier today, and are not required to attend the ball. But the entry is no less crowded than usual, as the female guests and the girls from Henley Hall are dining with us this evening. Since some of the Henley girls are attending dances as guests of men at other schools... Ginny Danburry as a case in point, off to Connecticut as Nuwanda's guest at the Choate dance... I think the male population might be slightly greater than the female population this evening. But since most of the girls are wearing evening gowns with big poofy skirts, they seem to take up more space than their numbers might indicate. To aid in the spirit of romance, guys without dates are paired off with unescorted girls, according to age. We're expected to give the young lady in question a corsage, sit with her at dinner, and dance the first dance of the evening with her, but after that, we no longer need to treat her as a date. Thank goodness. 

I pick up the box containing the corsage I've purchased... pale pink rosebuds, which hopefully won't clash with her dress, whoever she turns out to be. Miss Alice Lowell, according to Dr. Hager's list. I take a deep breath, dreading this part, and turn to the nearest girl who isn't already on some fellow's arm. “Excuse me, Miss," I smile. “Could you point me towards Alice Lowell, please?” 

She indicates a brown-haired girl in a green dress, seated off to one side. I thank her politely and walk over to the girl in green. “Miss Lowell? I'm Richard Cameron,” I say with what I desperately hope is a friendly (as opposed to nervous) smile. May I escort you in to dinner?” I hold out the corsage as I speak. 

She looks up with a reasonably friendly smile of her own, offering me her hand. “A pleasure meeting you, Richard, and please call me Alice. Would you mind terribly if we try to sit with my friends Amy and Kathy, and whichever fellows they draw as escorts? Amy's my roommate; she just transferred to Henley this term, when her family moved from Texas, and she's kind of shy.” 

“Of course I don't mind,” I say, shaking her hand, then pinning the corsage to her shoulder. “Shall we go find them?” 

She takes my arm and we circulate a bit. Eventually Alice spots Amy with Pitts and Kathy with Todd. Meeks joins us as well, with a girl named Tina. The eight of us will fill one table, so we move into the dining hall. Dinner is something good, for once. No mystery meat tonight; instead, the kitchens produce chicken cordon bleu, with roasted red potatoes and green bean casserole. Strawberry shortcake for dessert, naturally. Drinks include pink lemonade, sparkling apple juice, and some sort of red punch. 

As dinner progresses, Alice and Kathy end up deep in conversation while Todd and I apply ourselves to the meal. Much to my private amusement, the random draw seems to have worked well for Meeks and Pitts, as Amy and Tina both have what most people would consider an unladylike interest in science and technology. Tina talks about the transistor radio she built, while Amy talks of her father's work on the EDVAC and in helping to develop integrated circuits for Texas Instruments. I have no idea what an integrated circuit might be, but the idea of it has Tina, Meeks and Pitts quite excited. 

After dinner, we join the throng heading for the ballroom, known more commonly as the gymnasium. It's been disguised with swaths of red and white crepe paper, hearts, and cupids galore. A band is up on a small stage at the far end. As is traditional, the ball opens with some instrumental piece that I suspect might have been current when Welton opened back in 1859. I get through my obligatory dance with Alice and see her to a seat with her friend Kathy. 

Miss Marjorie Prescott grabs me as I head back towards the stag corner, squealing and flapping her left hand, newly adorned with a diamond solitaire ring, in my face. “He asked! He asked! And you helped it happen, so I wanted you to be the first to know!” 

Right. I helped. Well, if she thinks so, far be it from me to disabuse her of her illusions. I can hear Todd behind me, snickering as he continues on to the stag corner. Making the best of an awkward situation, I summon up a smile. “My felicitations, Miss Prescott,” I tell her. “And if I might be so bold, may I claim my promised dance now, so that you may have the rest of the evening free to spend with your fiance?” 

She nods and I dance with her, thankfully delivering her back to her betrothed afterwards. As I join the other non-dancers in the stag corner, I note that Meeks and Pitts are not there. I grin, scanning the crowd on the dance floor. Todd taps me on the shoulder, pointing towards the bleachers across the way. Meeks and Pitts, along with Tina and Amy, are seated near the top, apparently not having paused in their conversation from dinner. “Even while they were dancing, they didn't stop talking,” Todd says. “Something about main frames and terminals, I have no idea what they meant.” Apparently he's still grateful for the help with his tie, since he's still talking civilly to me. 

“I think I'm scared,” I joke. “Whoever would have thought there existed girls who could talk to Meeks and Pitts? If they marry, their children will probably design the first moon colony.” 

Todd looks away, his eyes going flat. “I hate this holiday,” he mutters, “It's worse than Christmas.” 

I'm pretty sure I know what he means. But I have no idea what to say, so I just fall silent. 

At this point, the lights change, shifting from a soft white glow to a rose pink, with small twinkling white lights appearing across the ceiling like stars. The singer steps up to the microphone and announces, “This next song is for everyone who's in love this Valentine's Day.” 

As the music starts, Todd's face just... crumples. There's no other way to describe it. I can see the stiffness in his body as he quickly makes his way to the door and out. 

As unobtrusively as I can, I follow.


	7. chapter 7

To my relief, Todd bolts for the dorm once he's out of the gym. I thought he might have headed for the cave... but with all the females on campus tonight, there's going to be extra security on hand, to prevent any couples from trying to sneak off. I follow him inside and up to our room, trying to be quiet. 

I didn't need to. Todd is curled up on his bed, crying so hard he doesn't even react when the light from the hallway flares and goes out as I enter and shut the door. I don't stop to think, I just react to his pain, sitting on the bed beside him and putting my arms around him. 

He turns into the touch, clinging to me and sobbing against my shoulder. I don't think he knows it's me. I think he's just reaching out for some kind of human touch and sympathy. But I don't care. I hold him close in the pale glow from the window, stroking his hair and letting him cry himself out. “I miss him so much...” he whispers brokenly through his tears. 

“I miss him too,” I murmur. Without thinking, I press my lips lightly against Todd's temple, the way my mother used to kiss me when I was very small and upset about something. 

Todd starts to nuzzle against my neck, then suddenly pulls away, his eyes flying wide open in shock. “You!” he practically hisses. “So... now you can go to Nolan and get me expelled. As if I care. Tell everyone, why don't you? Tell everyone that I loved Neil. Tell them all I'm a fag! I'm sure that'll make you feel oh so happy and important, won't it?” 

I flinch at his words, I can't help it. Tears spring into my eyes but I don't bother trying to hide them. Not from him, not anymore. If this spells the end of my future, so be it. But I can't let Todd think I'm that horrible of a person, I just can't. “No, Todd, I can't do that. I...” I hesitate for a second, then take a deep breath and continue. “I can't do that... because I'm... I'm queer too.” 

A sudden silence fills the room, broken only by Todd's breathing, still harsh from his recent crying. His face has gone from red to white in the faint light from the window as he stares at me with an unreadable expression. 

“I... I guessed about you earlier this week,” I tell him, feeling my own face starting to burn. “I found a poem you wrote on the floor next to the wastebasket... I knew it was about Neil. And then I saw you looking at the picture before you went to bed and I just knew. And I was even a little jealous of you... jealous that you were able to reach out to Neil like you did. Like I always wished I could. Damn it, Todd, I am sorry about Keating, but I was so upset when Neil... I had to blame someone, and he was the easiest target...” I can't hold back a sob. 

Todd remains silent as I speak. But when I start crying, he moves closer once more and puts his arm around me, silently inviting me to lean on him as he leaned on me a few minutes ago. 

My God, it feels so good to hold and be held. 

As my own sobs quiet, he speaks softly. “I don't think Neil ever knew how much I cared. I don't think he knew that I... wanted to be more than his friend. He tried to fix me up with Ginny Danburry after all. I used to daydream that someday, when we were out of here and he'd broken loose from his father, that he'd realize he cared for me the way I cared for him.” 

“I think he knew, Todd,” I say. “I think he cared, but probably thought you didn't care for him. I mean... you weren't exactly, um, making passes at him, right?” 

“Well, no,” he admits. “I didn't want to get kicked out of school if he complained. And I didn't want to have to face him again if he turned me down but didn't complain, you know?” 

“I know,” I say. “When I started here in the seventh grade, I got Chet Danburry as a roommate. He punched me when I cried the first night. And threatened to tell Nolan I was a fairy.” I laugh mirthlessly. “I didn't even know what he meant back then, would you believe it? And then as it turns out, I really am one. But because of him, I never dared let anyone find out. Not until now.” 

Todd pulls back a little, not releasing me, but enough to look into my eyes. “Why did you tell me?” he asks. 

I blush painfully. “Partly because I... I didn't want you to think I was that low that I'd nark you out to Nolan for it. And partly because... well, because I'm... because I'm attracted to you, Todd.” 

Now it's his turn to blush. “I... you... ah...” 

I can't help the smile that creeps onto my face and into my voice. “Do you know why I was babbling like I was when I helped with your tie earlier? It was because I wanted to kiss you... and the way you were standing with your head up so I could work just made it look like you were waiting to be kissed.” 

“Cameron... Richard. You... you're serious, aren't you?” Todd's face is a mixture of shock, hope, and fear. But his arm is still around me. 

I reply by lifting a hand to his cheek, then leaning in and gently kissing him.


	8. chapter 8

For a long moment, Todd sits frozen, though I can't tell if it's in shock or disgust. I start to pull away, wondering if I just made the biggest mistake of my life, when Todd moves, leaning his head on my shoulder as our lips part. 

“I... I want this,” Todd murmurs hesitantly against the fabric of my jacket. Neither of us had even taken the jackets off, much less anything else. “But I... I'm afraid to trust you, Cam – Richard. I want to, I do. But you... you've always been so... so hesitant about bending the rules... I just... I don't know what to think.” 

“I don't blame you,” I reply quietly. “I've spent the last few years turning into... someone I don't like very much. I guess I thought if I was the perfect Welton overachiever, no one would guess about me. It worked to a point... I'm pretty sure no one guessed... but then again, I came across as such an arrogant little shit that no one cared to get close enough to me to guess.” I pause for a moment, then continue. “I think last semester hurt the worst, because Neil insisted on including you in everything. Meeks and Pitts, they've been best friends since they started here, always playing with their radio and stuff like that. Knox and Nuwanda, they've known each other all their lives since their fathers were friends at Yale. And then there was me and Neil... until you came along and got so close with him, I could pretend to myself at least, that he and I were good friends. I used to, you know, daydream about him the same as you did... until I saw him getting so close to you. And yet, I couldn't even blame him for that, or you either. Because I never made an effort to be liked, not really.” 

“You've changed, though,” Todd says, sitting up and taking off his jacket, leaning over to toss it over his chair. His tie and cummerbund follow a moment later. 

I stand and shed my own jacket, tie, and cummerbund. “Have I?” I ask. 

“Yeah.” Todd hesitates for a moment, then strips down to his shorts and pulls on a pair of pajama pants. “Geeze, it's warm in here,” he comments. “Do they have any heat settings besides 'freezing' and 'blast furnace'? Yeah, you've seemed different this term, not such a know-it-all in classes and stuff.” 

I turn away slightly, also changing into a pair of pajama pants. “I've never known any other heat settings in all my years here,” I say. I hang up my jacket and trousers, tossing the shirt into the laundry hamper. “Has anyone else noticed that I've changed, do you think?” 

Todd considers. “I don't know,” he finally says. “I think I saw it because I'm your roommate. Knox... well, he's too wrapped up in Chris to notice much of anything. And he's been ignoring you because it was you telling Nolan that Nuwanda punched you when... when everything else happened... was the last straw that got him expelled. Meeks and Pitts... well, they're Meeks and Pitts. But I've sort of been watching you all term, figuring we got stuck together so you could spy on me for Nolan.” 

“He as good as told me that's why we got put in together, the first day back,” I admit. “And so I decided right then and there that unless you tried to physically hurt me, I wasn't going to tell him a damn thing.” 

Todd blinks a bit, then smiles slowly. “Well. Maybe I can trust you after all, Richard.” 

“You can,” I promise. “Although I really don't blame you for not trusting me. I was a rotten piece of shit, wasn't I?” 

Todd moves closer to me. “You were. But I understand why, now.” 

I hold out my arms slightly, looking pleadingly into his eyes. “And am I forgiven?” 

He nods and shyly moves into my arms. I release the breath I didn't realize I was holding as I wrap my arms around him gently, sighing in contentment. We stay like that for a long time, just holding and being held. I can feel the warmth of his chest against mine, his arms around my waist driving away the loneliness that's been my closest companion for years. 

After a while, Todd smiles. “I never expected this. But it feels nice. I don't feel so alone anymore.” 

I smile as well. “Neither do I, Todd. Not anymore. Thanks to you.” 

I'm not sure how long we stood there with our arms around each other, but eventually the sounds made by the others returning to their rooms wakes us to awareness. “So much for getting back a little early and beating everyone else to the bathrooms,” I quip. 

Todd chuckles, his breath warm against my ear. “I think there's something else that needs doing first,” he murmurs. “You startled me enough earlier that I forgot to kiss you back.” He slides one hand up to the back of my head as his lips press against mine. 

My lips part slightly beneath his, silently inviting him to deepen the kiss. My senses are reeling at the feel of him in my arms, the taste and scent of him. I shift slightly, feeling my cheeks flushing at my body's inevitable reaction. A moment later, Todd presses his hips against mine, and it's quite obvious that I'm not the only one reacting. “Mmm... I don't think I can go anywhere like this,” I mumble, kissing his neck. My hands move up and down his back, stopping just above his pajama pants, then hesitantly slide down over them. My knees tremble as he does the same, so I guide him the two steps to the foot of my bed and we practically fall onto it. 

Todd shifts a bit, with the effect of moving my hand away from his backside. With a whispered, “Please?” he grabs my wrist, guiding my hand inside his pants. He moans as my fingers curl around him, stroking him. Then his hand dips into my pants. 

I tense up for a moment. No one has ever touched me like that before. I tremble, my breath catching in my throat as his hand moves on me. “Todd...” I breathe, sensation rapidly overwhelming rational thought. He answers by leaning in to kiss me deeply once more. I tremble, my moans muffled against his lips as my hips jerk forward with my climax. A heartbeat later, Todd also moans as he erupts. 

I'm not sure how long we lie there before finally letting go of each other. It's longer still before either of us speak. But finally, “That was... I never... thank you, Richard,” he whispers. 

“Thank you, Todd,” I whisper back. We both doze off, worn out with the unexpected emotions of the night.


	9. chapter 9

I wake up with an unfamiliar warmth and weight across my chest, and smile to myself as I realize it's Todd's arm. My own arm is a little sore from being under him, but I don't want to wake him just yet. I squint a bit at the light coming in the window, guessing it must be 7:30 or 8:00. We've got a little while before we'll have to get up for chapel. I watch Todd for a moment, smiling to see him looking so relaxed and peaceful for the first time since... well, since the night of the play. 

Todd stirs a little, snuggling closer to me. Then his eyes open and he blinks at me in astonishment. “It... it wasn't a dream?” he asks a little uncertainly. 

“No dream,” I reply softly, brushing my lips against his cheek. 

He blushes and sits up. “I didn't... I thought... you... you're not mad?” 

I sit up as well. “Not at all, Todd. Although I think we're going to need to talk. Somewhere we won't be overheard. The cave, maybe? Or does that have too many bad memories now?” 

“Not the cave,” he says. “Nolan knows about it, after... after everything. Knox and Meeks and Pitts... they broke. And whatever you told him, of course.” 

I flush, looking down. “Right... I forgot about that. He'd know to look there, then. Um, how about the bell tower, then?” 

Todd thinks about that, then nods. “After chapel, then? But before lunch?” 

“That's probably the best time.” I stand up, then offer him a hand up as well. “I... call me a sap if you want, but... last night... meant a lot to me. I don't want anything to mess it up.” 

He smiles then, taking my hand as he stands and pulling me into a quick hug. “Me either. So we'd better go start getting ready.” He grabs his clothes from his wardrobe, then ducks out the door, heading for the showers. 

I make up my bed, then get my own clothes and head off to shower. Todd passes me in the hallway as I return to the room, obviously heading down to breakfast and chapel. I hurry along to the dining hall as well, finding a seat near the fringes of where Todd is sitting with Meeks and Pitts. Those two are going on and on about Amy and Tina and the wonderful time they had last night. I grin to myself as they announce with some awe that Amy is going to arrange for them to meet her father, the integrated circuit fellow. Oh, and that Amy and Tina are going to meet them at the soda shoppe on the next town pass weekend. I can't help but wonder which event they're anticipating more... dates with real girls, or meeting a man who is apparently some sort of leader in the engineering field that I know they're both interested in entering. 

After I finish eating, a better than usual breakfast thanks to the presence of the female guests who aren't scheduled to leave until after chapel services, I wander off to the chapel a little early. I have some thinking to do. Why is it, I wonder, why is it considered so wrong to have feelings for a member of one's own sex? I continue to ponder throughout the service. And I finally decide: it's only wrong because society says so. 

I hang back after the service is over, sneaking to the staircase leading up to the tower. I climb to the top, smiling to see Todd waiting for me as I emerge through the trap door. As soon as I shut it, he gives me a kiss. I can't help but smile and kiss back. 

“I still can't believe last night really happened,” he smiles, huddling close to me for warmth. 

“I just can't believe you gave me a chance, Todd,” I tell him, brushing his cheek with my thumb. “I... you know as well as I do what will happen if word of this gets out.” 

“Yeah,” Todd frowns. “Is that what this is about?” 

I nod. “I meant it when I said I didn't want to lose you, Todd. But if we get caught...” I grimace. “We'll both be expelled. And God only knows what will happen with our families.” 

Todd laughs mirthlessly. “My father is already convinced I'm worthless,” he says flatly. “He always calls me five ninety-eight... the value of the raw chemicals in the human body. He'd praise my brother's accomplishments, and tell me I'd better bust my ass to be more like Jeffrey, or all I'd ever be worth in this life is five ninety-eight. He wants me to be a doctor like him and like Jeffrey, but at the same time, he expects me to fail at it. The only thing that would bother him about finding out I'm queer is that someone might question his masculinity, for fathering a queer.” 

Dear God, I think, what kind of hell has Todd lived all his life? I pull him closer to me, trying to comfort him as best as I could. “Damn it, Todd, you are not worthless,” I tell him. “You're worth ten of me. You're caring and understanding and forgiving... and how you got that way in spite of your father is beyond me. And you're strong. You're the only one of the Society that didn't break. I broke... I broke first. Granted, I was lashing out, but I still broke.” 

“You were trying to save us, though,” Todd says softly. “I think you just didn't realize how much Keating meant to us... to you, even. I saw you stand on your desk with the rest of us that day.” 

I nod, still red-faced. “Anyway... I just... I have an older brother too, but I know my father will be horribly disappointed when he finds out I'm queer. I'll probably end up thrown out, so I want to try to keep it quiet until graduation. I can work my way through college somehow, if I can just get through Welton.” 

Todd nods in understanding. “So how do we manage, then?” 

“Well... senior year, we get to choose roommates. Maybe we could... get to be friends... for public purposes, I mean... so that no one will think twice if we request each other as roomies next year?” 

“That might work. But how...?” 

I think fast. “Umm... well, you're brilliant in English. I'm good in trigonometry and chemistry. We started being civil to each other at the dance last night, so maybe you decided to ask me for some help? Or I could ask you, either way. English is my worst subject anyway.” 

He smiles warmly. “That's great, Richard! I'll let you ask me, though. Meeks is good at trig as well, and he might wonder why I went to you instead of him. And we probably shouldn't use first names in public, since we never did before.” 

“I hadn't thought of that, but you're right,” I say. 

Todd smiles and gives me a kiss. “I'm also freezing. Are we done for now?” 

I laugh. “Yeah, we're done for now. Go warm up. I'll come asking for help tonight when everyone is studying. Ignore it when the others give me the cold shoulder. They'll come around or not, on their own.” I open the trapdoor and peek down. “All clear... get out of here.” 

He smiles and gives me a thumbs-up as he drops through the hatch. I wait a few minutes, then follow. I wonder if there's anything special I can do for him, that won't get us caught. After a while, I think of something that I'm sure he'll like. There's a serious risk, but I know how much it will mean to him if I can pull it off. Instead of heading back to the dorm, I stroll casually towards Nolan's office. 

I'm going to find out Keating's new address. 

I glance around, trying to see where everyone... meaning the teachers... might be, as I prepare to duck into Nolan's office. He and Dr. Hager are momentarily visible in the doorway of the guest hall, busy with sorting out the departures of the female guests. There's no sign of McAllister or any of the other teachers around. That's always a bonus of Sundays, most of the teachers vanish for the day. Not that any of us really care where they go or what they do, but it's nice having fewer eyes watching. 

Especially when one is planning the equivalent of breaking into Fort Knox. 

I make sure I'm unobserved, then casually reach for the doorknob. I silently bless the honor code of the school. No one would ever contemplate entering Nolan's office without a summons, so the door is unlocked. I slip inside, and quietly shut the door behind me. The office actually consists of two rooms. Mrs. Nolan, who acts as the dean's secretary, uses the room I'm standing in, while Nolan has the larger room behind this one. I check the file cabinets first thing, looking for anything concerning the teachers. I figure there must be a file somewhere. I know the teachers have contracts. One would then assume that any teacher who leaves... or is let go... would be required to leave a forwarding address. 

Aha! There it is. One whole drawer dedicated to the teachers' files. Good God, they've got records in here dating back to the school's opening. I can't help but chuckle at that. Considering there are a hundred years' worth of records here, it's surprising that it all fits in one drawer. But then again, there doesn't seem to have been a lot of turnover, either. It looks as though most teachers who come here stay on for thirty years or longer. I blink when I note Hager's date-of-hire... 1928. My fingers keep flipping through until I find Keating's file. Right, there it is. Terminated, December 1959... may be contacted at... I grab a pencil from Mrs. Nolan's desk and a scrap of paper from the wastebasket. I jot the address down as quickly as I can while still keeping my printing legible. 

I tuck the address into my pocket, replace the file and then the pencil. I'm about to open the door when I hear Nolan and Hager talking in the hall. Damn. Now what? I decide I'll be better off trying to bluff my way through if they come inside. After all, I'm Richard Cameron, Welton Society candidate. I'm on the honor council. I'm a known suck-up and tale-bearer. That's what they all think, anyway. They'll have no reason to disbelieve anything I care to tell them. 

When Dean Nolan opens the door, I'm standing in front of Mrs. Nolan's desk, facing the door with a mildly embarrassed and yet slightly anxious look on my face. At least, I hope that's the expression I'm wearing. “Dean Nolan, sir?” I say, striving for a sheepish tone. “I've been having a little trouble in English in the last couple of weeks. I, um, don't think my grade is in danger yet, but I was wondering if you could suggest someone to tutor me before I run into a problem. I, um, used to get Dalton to coach me when I needed help before, sir, but...” I give a slight shrug. “I thought, since you're still teaching the class, you would be able to tell me who would be the best to approach. I don't want to ask for help from someone having as much trouble as I am, after all.” There, I thought to myself, that should work. Richard Cameron, the perfect apple-polisher. 

And Nolan seems to have bitten. “Well, Mr. Cameron,” he says. “Your roommate Mr. Anderson is actually at the top of the class in English. But I don't quite understand why you came to my office today. You could have waited and spoken to me after class tomorrow.” He peers at me a bit suspiciously. 

_Damn. Think fast, Cameron._ I put on a slightly shamed expression. “Actually, sir, I really should have spoken with you on Friday after class. But with the excitement of the Valentine's Ball preparations... well... I just wasn't thinking. And since the analysis of Tennyson's 'The Lotus-Eaters' is due tomorrow...” 

Nolan looks mildly disappointed in me but completely understanding. “Very well, Mr. Cameron, you're forgiven for procrastinating this time. And I trust you enjoyed the ball. How is Mr. Anderson doing this term? Am I correct in guessing that he has seen the error of his ways, and is properly applying himself to his education?" 

“Yes, sir, as nearly as I can tell, sir.” I answer. “He doesn't exactly confide in me, you understand, sir. But I haven't noticed any particularly odd behavior from him since the term started.” 

“Good, good. I knew everything would blow over, once the instigator was removed. Go on back to your dorm now, Mr. Cameron, and if Mr. Anderson should be reluctant to offer his assistance, you may tell him that I wish him to be your tutor.” Nolan picks up a folder from his wife's desk, clearly dismissing me. 

“Thank you, sir,” I say, and hurry out of the office. 

Blown over, my hind foot. Swept under the rug is more like it. If we all pretend it never happened, it won't have happened. A small part of me wonders what Nolan's reaction would be if I told him that yes, I had seen some unusual behavior from Todd... that he'd enjoyed it when I kissed him. But of course, I can't do that. After all, the whole point of this charade is to keep us in school until graduation. 

I walk into the dorm, seeing assorted study groups scattered about the lobby. Todd glances up as I walk in, catching my eye with the tiniest of nods, timed so that I'm the only one to see it. I walk in his direction. Knox, Meeks, and Pitts are busily conjugating Latin verbs to each other. Todd is simply doodling in his notebook. 

“Sum, es, est, summus, estis, sunt,” I say as I approach the table. “Anderson, you look like you're finished already. Are you?” 

Todd gives me a wary look, while the other three gaze at me suspiciously. “Yeah, Cameron, I am. I did this yesterday before the dance. Why?” 

I put on my best hangdog look. After all, I'm supposed to be swallowing my pride here, asking for help. “I, um, wondered if maybe you could help me out with English? The Tennyson analysis?” I mutter, looking at my feet. 

Knox glares at me. “Todd, you don't have to help a fink,” he says. “No one should. Let him fail, for all I care.” 

I can feel my face burning, even though I try to ignore the harsh words. But I know he means it. He's mad about Nuwanda as well as Keating. 

Todd saves the situation perfectly, though. “I'm tempted, Knox,” he sighs. “But like it or not, Cameron's my roommate. I'd rather he didn't go crawling to Nolan that I wouldn't give him help when he asked for it, you know? Especially since I'm still on probation for refusing to sign the accusation paper.” 

Knox looks down at his book, flushing. But he shuts up. Meeks and Pitts also make a point of diligently checking their books. All three of them signed. Under duress, to be sure, but they signed. I wish I could tell them how sorry I am, but I know they won't believe me. Not yet, anyway. 

Todd gets up, pausing to playfully mess up Knox's hair. “I'll be fine, I promise. Besides, it'll be good to have him owing me one, right?” Knox nods as Todd gathers up his books. “We might as well work upstairs,” he says to me. “More room to spread out the books.” I nod and follow him up to the room. 

Once we're inside and the door is shut, we smile. I wrap my arms around him from behind as he sets his books on his desk. “I don't actually need help,” I murmur in his ear. “Not on the Tennyson analysis, anyway. But I do need help with something else. And connected with that, I got you a present.” 

Todd looks at me over his shoulder, his one visible eye holding a puzzled expression. “A present? But...” 

I chuckle, stepping back and reaching in my pocket to pull out a certain scrap of paper. “How would you like to find out for yourself that the 'Captain' is okay?” 

“What?” Todd looks at me like I grew an extra head. 

I can't help the self-satisfied smirk that I can feel settling onto my face. “I thought you might like to write to Keating, so I sneaked into Nolan's office and went through the teachers' files until I found the forwarding address he left.” I ceremoniously hand Todd the paper. 

He looks at it for a moment in disbelief. “My God, Richard... what if Nolan had caught you? I can't believe it! Thank you!” He throws himself at me, kissing me hard. 

I kiss back, smiling. “Nolan did catch me, actually,” I tell him. “But I managed to bluff my way out of trouble, by asking him to suggest someone to tutor me in English. He not only suggested you, Todd, he told me to tell you that he wished for you to help me... if you tried to say no when I first asked, of course. And that, by the way, was brilliant, what you said to Knox back there.” 

Todd blinks, then laughs. “Thanks. So, if you've already done your English, what do you need help with?” 

I take a deep breath. “I want to write to Keating as well... to try to apologize for what I did. I can't blame him if he won't forgive me, but I have to try.” 

He meets my eyes and I'm nearly overwhelmed by the compassion I see there. “Well, what are we waiting for?” he says. “Let's get writing.”


	10. chapter 10

The quiet of the room is broken only by the sound of Todd's pen scratching on the paper as he rapidly composes his letter. I, on the other hand, am not making a lot of progress. **Dear Mr. Keating,** I start. Then I look at it and take a fresh sheet of letter paper. **Oh Captain! My Captain!** Much better. Now for the truly  
difficult part. I think for a long moment, then begin writing slowly. 

**I know these words aren't worth the paper I'm writing on,** I write. **But I have to say them anyway. I'm sorry, Mr. Keating, sorrier than I've ever been about anything. I don't expect you to forgive me. I was hurt when I heard the news about Neil; hurt and angry. I don't think I'd realized how much he meant as a friend until he was gone. And I had to blame someone for his death, and I picked you. That was wrong of me, and unforgivable.**

**Of all the teachers at Welton, you were the only one who seemed to genuinely care about us as people, and not just as objects of pride or scorn. You wanted to know our dreams... ours, and not the dreams that others had for us. I think that's maybe why I lashed out at you in my anger. If you hadn't gotten us thinking about our dreams, Neil would never have tried out for that play. I was angry at Neil, too, but how can you lash out at a dead man? Still, I was angry... angry that he'd managed to have his dream, at least for a few minutes before he died, when I couldn't even admit my dream to myself. So I lashed out at the one person I felt comfortable blaming for everything... you.**

**And after everything was over and you were gone, I discovered the true meaning of self-loathing. I expect that if you've even read this far, you're glad of that. Well, in a way, so am I. I knew I wasn't a very likable person, but I didn't realize how low I'd sunk. I'm going to change, my Captain, I'm going to become the person I wish I was, instead of the cockroach I've been. Once I'm out of Welton, I'm going to follow my dream, even if it means breaking from my family. I don't expect the next year and a half to be easy, but that's fine. I don't deserve any breaks.**

I set my pen down for a moment and rub my eyes. “Todd?” I ask. “Are you... saying anything about us in your letter?” 

“I don't know...” Todd trails off uncertainly. “I don't know if that's something he'd... I don't know how he'd take it. I mean, with the way he always talked about women... but then again... he always seemed to understand everything...” 

“I know what you mean,” I tell him. “Anyway... I won't say anything in my letter, unless you decide to tell him in yours.” 

Todd thinks for a moment. “Not in this one. I want to get an answer to this one. But in my next letter, I do want to tell him... oh... I didn't think of that. How are we going to get a reply, Richard?” 

I blink. Oops. I hadn't thought of that part either. As far as I knew, mail wasn't opened at Welton, but then again, everything that had to do with Todd Anderson was getting extra attention this term. A letter with the name John Keating in the return address would likely get him expelled. “Hmm. We can get a post office box when we go to town to mail it,” I suggest. “They don't cost that much.” 

“Only problem is, I can't leave the campus, remember?” Todd said. “Part of being on probation. The only exception is if I need to see a doctor or dentist... and even then, one of the teachers has to accompany me.” He frowns for a moment, then smiles. “I know... I'll get Knox to help.” 

“How?” I ask. 

Todd grins. “How do you think he's keeping up with Nuwanda? You know perfectly well they wouldn't let any of his letters in. Nuwanda writes to Knox in care of Chris Noel. I'll get him to talk Chris into receiving Keating's letters for us.” 

“For you, he'll do it,” I say. “For me, he won't.” 

“He might, if I ask him in the right way. Besides, if I can get him to give you a chance, things won't be so bad for you anymore. Pitts and Meeks, they just go along with him, you know that,” Todd says. “And I'd like to see you getting a little more included again. That will help with getting to room together again next year. The only thing is...” he hesitates slightly. “I might have to say something to Knox. But I think he'll keep his mouth shut if I do.” 

I bite my lip at that, knowing what he means by saying something, but nod anyway. “All right. As long as you're sure he won't spread it around.” 

Todd stands behind me, leaning over to peer at what I've written while wrapping his arms around me in a reassuring hug. “He won't. I'll make sure of it.” 

I lean into his touch, relaxing in his warmth for a long moment before the bell rings for supper. I wrinkle my nose. “Mystery meat time. Which is going to be especially horrid after last night's meal. But since I missed lunch getting the address, I'm hungry enough to eat it anyway.” 

“I'll get to Knox at supper, have him come back here with us afterwards to talk, okay?” Todd asks. 

“Yeah, that's fine. Let's go,” I tell him, giving his hand a squeeze before standing up. 

We join the crowd headed for the dining hall. As usual, there's a traffic jam in the doorway as everyone tries to be the first inside. “I feel like we're cattle in the stockyards,” someone mutters in a Chicago accent. Another voice responds to that remark with a loud, “Moooo!” which makes everyone laugh. 

As usual, I sit near but not truly with Todd, Knox, Meeks, and Pitts. The latter two are discussing integrated circuits and main frames again, although I have no idea what frames and circuits have to do with one another. Knox gives me the hairy eyeball before concentrating on his meal, but I hear him ask Todd if everything went okay this afternoon. Todd reassures him that he's fine and that I was actually pretty nice about things, offering to help him with trig and chemistry in exchange for the help he was giving me with English. 

When we're all back in the dorms heading for our rooms after the meal, Todd grabs Knox by the arm. “Come to my room for a moment, will you?” he requests. “I've got a favor to ask.” 

I follow the two of them into the room. Knox eyes me warily as I shut the door. “You're not really going to ask me something in front of the fink, are you, Todd?” he says. 

Todd replies mildly, “Actually, I am. Will you ask Chris to accept some mail? I'm writing to Mr. Keating, and I'd like to get a reply. But you know there's no way the school will let a letter from him get through, especially not one addressed to me. And I know perfectly well she's getting Nuwanda's letters to you.” 

Knox looks as though he's swallowed a live goldfish. “But... but... how... you don't know where Keating is... you can't...” 

“Actually, we do know where Keating is now,” I say quietly, moving to my desk and handing Knox the slip of paper with our former teacher's address on it. “I went through the files in Nolan's office and copied it.” 

Now Knox looked as though someone had hit him upside the head with a two by four. His jaw worked a couple of times before he got any words out. “You... you... wait a minute here...” he shook his head. “Cameron the fink, broke a rule? Broke into Nolan's office? And to find Keating's new address? For God's sake, Cameron, you're the one who got him fired in the first place!” 

I close my eyes, nodding. Then I hand Knox what I've written so far. 

There's a long moment of silence while he reads it. Todd gives me a reassuring glance, then turns his attention back to Knox, who seems a bit bewildered by everything. He reads it again and sighs. “I still don't get a few things,” he says. “I suppose I can sort of understand the part about lashing out in anger. And thinking logically, I'm willing to bet the school would have blamed Mr. Keating and fired him even if you hadn't gone to them, because that's the best way they could cover themselves. But what I don't get, Cameron, even if you want to change, why did you go sneaking in the office for the address? It's not like you, to do anything to jeopardize your standing here at school.” 

Todd steps forward at that. “Knox. Will you swear that nothing I'm about to tell you will leave this room? I'll keep my mouth shut if you won't.” 

Knox blinks, but nods. “All right, I'll swear. I know it won't be anything too horrible, not from you, Todd.” 

Todd takes a deep breath. “Richard got the address for me,” he says. “Not as a favor, but because he wanted to do something nice for me.” 

Knox narrows his eyes a bit, noting Todd's use of my given name. 

“Richard... guessed a secret about me. Something I've been keeping quiet for a while now,” Todd continues. “A secret that he guessed... because he shares it. I... we... we're...” I take his hand gently, giving it a squeeze. He squeezes back and keeps his fingers curled around mine as he continues. “We're queer.”


	11. chapter 11

Knox pulls back slightly and his face drains of color so rapidly that for a moment I seriously think he's going to throw up. He looks as though he's been punched in the gut. Which, I suppose, is sort of what Todd did with his little revelation. I can't help but think that his reaction is going to be the most common one, and that doesn't exactly thrill me. But at the same time, I know why Todd decided to tell him... we do need his help, and we aren't going to have a chance at getting it without being brutally honest. 

Todd gives a slightly impatient snort. “Jesus, Knox, queer's not catching,” he says. “Although I suppose I ought to be grateful that you haven't either socked us or run screaming out of here.” 

Knox blinks, shaking his head as he tries to organize his thoughts once more. “Um... yeah... well. I sure as hell didn't see that coming...” 

Now it's my turn to snort. “Well, you weren't supposed to. Come on, Knox, you know as well as we do what will happen to us if this gets out.” 

“Um... yeah...” Knox is still pretty dazed. He drops his gaze to our clasped hands and flushes, then looks back up at Todd. “I don't get why you told me this.” 

“Because we need your help, duh, Knox,” Todd says. “For one thing, we need you to get Chris to take the Captain's letters for us like she does Nuwanda's for you. For another... I want you to give Richard a chance. I'm not asking you to be best friends with him, just to give him a chance. He and I... we've talked some. And I think a lot of what you've seen of him all these years was him trying for perfection so that no one would guess his secret.” 

I nod at that. “Do you remember who I roomed with, back in the seventh grade, Knox?” 

Knox frowns a bit, thinking. “Didn't you end up with Chet Danburry? I remember my dad being disappointed that I didn't draw him.” 

“Be glad you didn't,” I tell him. “I missed my family, and I admit to crying a bit my first night here. Chet punched me and called me a sissy, then told me if I cried again, he'd accuse me of being a fairy and get me expelled. I didn't know what he was talking about then, but my parents were so pleased when I'd gotten in here, I couldn't take a chance on it. So I learned to hold everything inside, pretend I didn't care about anything but my grades. To always follow every rule so I wouldn't get into trouble. And to keep anyone from getting close enough to guess my secret.” 

Knox gives me a crooked smile. “I always knew Chet was a jerk,” he says. 

I agree heartily. “Always has been, apparently. Anyway, I figured... Todd was hurt the most by... by everything that happened last semester. After Todd and I talked, I wanted to do something nice for him, and I thought that getting the address would mean the most to him.” 

Todd smiles at that. “It does.” 

Knox looks between us again, and I can almost see the thoughts churning in his head. Finally he nods. “All right. I'll talk to Chris, and if it's okay with her, I'll give you her address to use. And Cameron, I'll stop snarling at you. Don't expect me to be all buddy-buddy, but if you want to start sitting with us again, you can. Same thing for study group. You're as good if not better than Meeks in chemistry, so I suppose you'd be making a contribution.” 

“Thank you, Knox,” I say sincerely, holding out my hand. 

He hesitates for a long moment, then extends his own hand and we shake. Then he glances at Todd's alarm clock. “It's early enough that I can call Chris tonight. But I don't know if I'll get back to talk to you before lights out. She'll probably want to re-hash the ball in complete detail,” he chuckles. “I'll stop back tonight if I can, Todd, and if not, I'll catch you tomorrow.” 

Todd stands up to walk Knox to the door. “I appreciate it, Knox. Oh, and please do remember, Richard and I would like to make it through graduation.” 

Knox smiles. “My lips are sealed.” He gives me a nod and walks out. 

Todd closes the door behind him. “He'll probably want to write to Mr. Keating himself, you know,” he smiles. “Not that I see a problem with that.” 

“Nor do I,” I answer, relaxing with a sigh. I tuck my half-written letter into my desk drawer, making sure no casual passerby will see it. “I'm just glad I didn't get punched.” 

“Me too,” Todd smiles as he starts getting undressed for bed. 

I do the same. Once the bell rings for lights out and we're sure Knox won't be back, we climb into the same bed, just holding each other. Soon enough, we fall asleep, our nightmares of December held at bay by the warmth of each other's presence. 

Monday morning. Todd and I both groan as we get out of bed to start another school week. We straggle in to breakfast, taking our places at the end of a line of bleary-eyed boys and young men headed for the serving counters. Todd glares balefully at Pitts as he and Meeks step in behind us. Pitts, an obvious morning person, is cheerfully blathering on about Amy. Meeks just looks half asleep still. Todd points an accusatory finger at Pitts. “You,” he announces, “are entirely too cheerful and alert for this time of day. Especially on a Monday.” 

A few others close enough to hear nod agreement. Pitts shrugs. “I like mornings,” he comments, but he is smart enough not to say anything more. We get our trays and head for seats. 

I drop into a chair next to Todd. Meeks doesn't seem to notice, but Pitts raises a brow. He doesn't say anything, though, when Todd doesn't react. Instead, he digs into his oatmeal. The dining hall grows louder as people start to fully wake up over the meal. Meeks eventually perks up enough to mention that he is having a problem with the second part of the chemistry assignment that's due on Wednesday. I breathe a silent sigh of thanks for the opening being handed to me and speak up. “I can try giving you a hand, if you want, Meeks,” I offer quietly. 

Meeks blinks and looks at me, then glances at Todd. “I... um... okay,” he says tentatively. He seems to relax a little when Todd doesn't object. 

“After supper tonight, then?” I ask. 

“Um, sure,” he answers. 

“Mind if I sit in as well?” Todd asks. 

I smile. “Glad to have you along,” I say. “Pitts, how about you?” 

Pitts takes a big gulp of orange juice. “Sure, I can always use help with chemistry. And I know Knox isn't finished yet either, I heard him bitching about the assignment in the john last night.” 

I nod. “He's also welcome, if he's willing to join us. And guys? Thanks.” 

Pitts and Meeks nod as well, understanding what I'm thanking them for without need of further elaboration. 

Knox flops into a chair on the other side of Todd a moment later, his hair still wet. “God, I hate my new roommate,” he comments. “He keeps turning my alarm off before I hear it. Why'd Nolan have to pair me with such a damned light sleeper?” 

Meeks, another heavy sleeper, makes a noise of sympathetic understanding. Pitts shoves the butter over to Knox and says, “Cameron is going to help us with chemistry after supper, if you want to join us.” 

Knox frowns a bit as he butters his toast. “Yeah. I can use it, I guess. I'll be there.” He applies himself to his breakfast. 

Meeks and Pitts finish eating and disappear, mumbling something about trying to tune in a news program before going to class. As soon as they're gone, Knox pulls out a slip of paper and hands it to Todd. “Here's Chris's address,” he says. “She doesn't mind getting more mail for us. And she says to give him her greetings. Would you mind if I wrote as well?” 

“Of course not,” Todd replies. “Why would we?” 

He shrugs a bit. “Well, I didn't know... I mean, I'm not the one who took the risk...” he trails off, glancing around to make sure no teachers were in earshot. “And with everything else, I just didn't know if it would be okay.” 

I nod my understanding. “It's fine,” I tell him. “After all, you've done us a favor as well, getting Chris's address for us and getting her to receive any reply he cares to make.” 

Todd nods. “He's right, we owe you a lot,” he says. I suspect he's not just talking about the address thing, either. “Anyway, I'm glad you decided to study with us tonight. You know that will help get me back into Nolan's good graces, when he hears I'm spending time studying with Richard, I mean.” 

I make a face at that. “Yeah, go me, suck-up extraordinaire. But better that Nolan keeps thinking that. We'll all be better off that way.” 

Knox nods. “I expect you're right.” He hesitates, then drops his voice a bit. “I do hope you manage to pull it off, you know. I... I know everyone says it's wrong, but... my Aunt Helen is... is like you. The whole family just pretends she's an old maid, but... I met her... her friend Gertrude a few years ago... by accident, when Mom had dragged me out shopping for a new suit. Mom didn't notice, but I saw them kiss. I asked Aunt Helen about it the next time I saw her. She told me that she kept it quiet because the family disapproved, but that she and Gertrude were together and had been for eight years at that point. I'm still not sure if Dad doesn't know or if he just pretends not to know so as not to have to think about it.” 

My eyes widen at his recital. “Damn,” I say. “I'm... glad it was you we asked for help, and not someone else. No wonder you were fairly sympathetic.” 

Just then the warning bell rings. We hurry to bring our trays over to the cleanup line and set off for class. But as we're walking, Todd looks to Knox. “Thank you for trusting us the way we trusted you. We won't spill your family secret.”


	12. chapter 12

It's been six weeks since Todd and I first started our letters to Mr. Keating. I'd mailed them out at the beginning of March, when I was in town on a pass. We had hoped to get a reply sooner than this, but Chris got the flu and didn't come to see Knox last weekend. But she told him when he called her that letters had arrived for all three of us, and said she'd bring them when she and Knox met in town this weekend. 

Todd can't come to town, of course, but I bicycle in with Knox, Pitts, and Meeks. The latter two are meeting Amy and Tina at the soda shoppe again, while Knox is meeting Chris at the diner. I go with Knox to the diner and we sit at the counter and order coffees while we wait for Chris to arrive with the letters. He surprises me a bit by initiating a conversation. While he's been much more civil to me over the last six weeks, he hasn't really spoken to me much outside of asking questions about our chemistry homework. But today, “Todd's right,” he says rather abruptly. “You have changed for the better. What's going to happen over the summer?” 

I shake my head a bit, puzzled by the question. “Thanks. But what do you mean, what's going to happen? Are you asking about my plans, or asking if I'm going to forget how to be nice over the summer?” 

He grins a bit at that. “You'd better not forget how to be nice. I was wondering if you two were going to manage to get together at all over the summer.” 

“I don't know,” I reply. “Although I guess we should try to figure something out soon. There's only two months left until the end of the term. He hasn't talked much about what his family will be doing. Mine is going to spend July on Martha's Vineyard like usual, though. My father is always saying I should spend more time with friends, that studying is all well and good but having connections also helps. So I bet he'd let me have Todd out for a week or two, assuming his family will let him come. What about you, what are your summer plans?” 

Knox smiles. “Well, my family and the Daltons will be going to Fire Island for the summer, as usual, so I'll have the summer to catch up with Nuwanda. And if things go the way I hope... Chris will be joining us, along with Ginny Danburry, for the last two weeks of July.” 

I smile in return. “Sounds like you'll be having a good time, then. How are Ginny's parents taking her interest in Nuwanda, anyhow? I mean, with him getting expelled from Welton and all...” 

Knox laughs. “Given that Chet flunked out, while Nuwanda was expelled based on the honor code due to his 'lapse in judgment' of punching you...” 

“Which I deserved,” I interject wryly. 

“You did,” he agrees. “Anyway, considering their own son, Nuwanda looks like the Archangel Gabriel in comparison. Under Welton rules, he had to be tossed out for hitting a fellow student, sure, but I understand it got put into his file that there were extenuating circumstances, that his mental state at the time was considered questionable due to his distress at Neil's death and that while the school considered permitting him to remain, his parents felt that he would be better off away from the scene of the tragedy.” 

“Todd's parents should have cared so much,” I mutter softly. “Although I have to admit I'm glad they didn't.” 

He gives me a long and thoughtful look. I can feel myself reddening under his scrutiny, but I'm saved by the bell... the bell over the diner door, chiming as Chris Noel steps inside with a handful of letters and a big hug for Knox. I concentrate on finishing my coffee to let them greet each other, then I turn around and give her a smile. 

“Richard Cameron, right?” she asks as she smiles in return. “You're the one that Knox says used to be kind of a jerk but you got nicer since the term started.” She hands me two of the letters she's holding, the one for me and the one for Todd. She gives Knox the other two, the second being from Nuwanda. 

I give her my best smile. “I've certainly been trying to be nicer,” I say. “It's good to know my efforts have not gone unnoticed. And Chris? Thanks a lot for taking these letters for us. It really means a lot.” I drop some money on the counter for my coffee and a healthy tip, standing to leave. 

She takes Knox's hand with a sympathetic smile. “I met Mr. Keating the night of the play, remember? Ginny and I went to the cave with you fellows and Mr. Keating after the play. He seemed really nice, and I don't believe for a moment that what they said about him is true. So I'm glad to help.” 

“It's appreciated,” I tell her sincerely. “You two have a nice day, now.” 

“We will,” they chorus as I head out the door, looking at the letters in my hand. 

I do make a couple of stops before biking back to school; one at the general store for some Hershey bars, and the other at the local pizza parlor for a large pepperoni pizza and four Cokes to go. I figure Todd will appreciate having something other than mystery meat for lunch today. I don't figure he'll mind the pizza not being piping hot. It's a little awkward trying to ride without dropping the pizza... the Cokes fit nicely in my saddlebags... but I still make it back to school within about fifteen minutes. 

Todd must have been watching for me to return, because he's outside taking the pizza box from me as I attempt to lock my bike up one-handed. Once he has the box, I grab the Cokes and the Hershey bars and we head up to our room. I open two of the Cokes as he starts separating the pizza slices. He hands me one in exchange for a bottle. 

I set my Coke down on the desk and give him a smile. “Chris made it,” I say, pulling out the letters. “Ready?” 

“Ready,” he replies with a smile of his own as I hand him his. He sets his own Coke down and we both open our letters and begin to read. 

**Dear Richard,**

**I hope you will believe me when I say that it is good indeed to hear from you. Before anything else, I want you to understand this: You are not to blame yourself for what happened to me. Even if you had said nothing to the administration, it was inevitable that I would be let go, from the moment Neil put that gun to his head and pulled the trigger.**

**I know this sounds harsh, and it is. But it is also reality. The school needed a scapegoat as badly as you did. Unfortunately, Mr. Perry saw to it that I would become that scapegoat, even before you spoke to the administration. They would have come to you, had you not gone to them. So, I repeat, do not blame yourself.**

**If it makes you feel any better, I am still teaching. Perhaps not as such a prestigious preparatory academy as Welton, but I am still teaching nonetheless. I was lucky enough to arrive in this area just as one of the local public high school's English teachers was leaving to have a baby. As you can see from my address... and incidentally, dare I ask just how you obtained it?... I am now living just outside of San Fransisco. I hope to begin teaching at the University of California at Berkeley come fall.**

**I also hope to hear back from you gentlemen soon. I realize that you probably won't be able to mail a reply immediately, as I know you won't be able to mail letters to me from school without getting yourselves into trouble. And may I say, that was a very good idea, asking Miss Noel to take my replies to you. But it means a lot to me, to know that I left friends behind, rather than enemies. I feared that you would be persuaded to the administration's view of what happened that night in December.**

**Anyway, I hope you will continue this correspondence and tell me more of this dream of yours, that you have become determined to have even if it means breaking with your family. I hope it isn't anything I said, that makes you think that will be necessary. Ideally, I want you men to have your dreams as well as your families intact.**

**Yours in friendship,  
your Captain, John Keating **

**PS. Give my greetings to Meeks and Pitts.**

I look up from my letter with a smile to see Todd beaming at me over his letter. “He's still teaching!” Todd exclaims gleefully. 

I reach across to give Todd a hug. “And he doesn't blame me,” I say. “He says Mr. Perry went to the administration, and that I'm not to blame myself any longer.” 

Todd returns the hug and adds a kiss. “He says he's glad for both our sakes that we've made up and become friends. Do you... do you mind if I tell him about us?” 

“Go right ahead. I'll also be saying something to him, because he asked about my dream, and why I think I'll be breaking with my family to follow it,” I tell him. 

“What is your dream, anyway?” Todd asks as he sets his letter on his desk and takes another slice of pizza. 

I laugh. “I'm not sure exactly,” I say. “But I think I'd like to be a doctor. I'm supposed to go into law, the FBI, then politics you know, according to my father's plans. But the FBI doesn't want queers any more than the army does. What about you? I know you've mentioned your father expecting you to become a doctor, but you didn't sound too happy about it.” 

Todd nods around a mouthful of pizza. “Mmm. Promise not to laugh?” 

I take a drink of my Coke, then grab another slice of my own. “I promise.” 

“I want to be a writer,” Todd tells me. “Maybe work for a newspaper or a magazine, but also I want to be a published author.” 

“That's going to take a lot of effort, but if anyone can do it, you can, Todd,” I tell him, meaning every word of it. He's let me see some of the poems he's written since the start of the school year, and as far as I'm concerned, they're as good as at least half of what we've read in English class. Of course, I'm not exactly a professional, not to mention that I have a definite bias. But still, they're good. 

He flushes. “You really mean that, Richard?” 

“Of course I mean it,” I say. “The Captain was right, I think, when he predicted great things of you that night.” 

Todd's cheeks redden further and he hastily gulps his Coke in an effort to hide it. “Thanks,” he mumbles. 

I decide a change of subject would be kind. “What will you be doing come summer?” I ask. 

“I don't know,” he answers. “Probably not much. Aside from golf lessons and the occasional round of it with my father and brother. I hate that game... mostly because they like it so much,” he adds ruefully. “But doctors are supposed to play golf. My father is chief of staff at his hospital, so he doesn't bother with real vacations. My mother goes visiting her relatives sometimes, but she doesn't take me.” 

I manage to hide my disgust at his family's treatment of him. “Do you think your folks would let you stay with me for a while?” I give him a hopeful look. “My family goes to Martha's Vineyard every July... and my father is always telling me I ought to invite a friend out sometime. Besides, I hate the thought of going the whole summer without seeing you.” 

He smiles slowly. “I can't think of anything I'd rather do this summer,” he says. “Are you sure your folks won't mind me along?” 

“As I said, my father's been telling me for years that I ought to bring a friend. My brother AJ... Andrew Junior... has a friend or two out every year,” I say. “Of course, he's graduating from Dartmouth this year... pre-law... and I think he might be going elsewhere for at least part of the summer. One last hurrah with his friends before buckling down to law school and all that.” 

Todd blinks at me and starts to laugh. “Dartmouth? Your brother is graduating from Dartmouth this year? I don't believe it! Jeffrey... my brother... is graduating from Dartmouth this year. Only he's pre-med instead of pre-law. How crazy can you get? I wonder if they know each other?” 

I laugh as well. “That is crazy! But you know, it might be a good thing for you if they do know each other. Assuming they don't hate each other, of course. Because you've said it a lot, that your parents pay attention to your brother... so if he tells them that the Camerons are good people and you'd benefit from getting to know them, that might improve your chances of coming to Martha's Vineyard.” 

He nods and finishes his first Coke. “True. But I doubt I can find out from Jeffrey if he knows your brother. He never answers my letters. I only write him anymore because I'll be in trouble if my father finds out that I don't write to him.” He glances away uncomfortably. 

There it is again, I think to myself, another demonstration of how Todd doesn't seem to matter to his family. Another demonstration of how it's all about his brother. I set my half-eaten pizza on the box and wrap my arms around him. 

He turns slightly, holding me tightly for a long moment. “Thank you, Richard,” he whispers. 

I brush my lips against his forehead, wishing I could stand between him and the cruelty... however unthinking... that his family inflicts on him. Without stopping to consider my words, I answer him. “I love you, Todd.”


	13. chapter 13

_I love you, Todd._ The moment the words escape my mouth, I freeze in panic. What if Todd thinks I'm lying? What if he gets scared and wants to stop seeing me? Worse yet, what if he doesn't care for me in return? Sure, we've been together since the Valentine's Ball, but then again, how many opportunities are there for guys like us in a school like Hell-ton? 

But then... “I love you, too, Richard,” Todd whispers against my neck, his breath hot against my skin as he clings to me. 

I can feel him trembling in my arms as I hold him closer still. “We have each other, Todd... that's what it's all about. The only way I'm ever going to let you go is if you ask me to.” I drop another soft kiss on his temple. 

“Never,” he says softly, kissing my neck. After a long moment, he lifts his lips to mine. 

Something seems different about this kiss. Maybe it's the gladness of getting our letters from the Captain. Or maybe it's that we've admitted aloud how we feel about each other. Whatever the reason, I feel as though I can fly. My hands move along Todd's back, no less hungrily than usual but with more tenderness and less urgency. He responds in kind, and for the next hour or so, we forget about the food, the letters, and the school around us. We take our time exploring each other's bodies for a change, caressing with lips as well as hands. My breath catches in my throat as Todd hesitantly takes me into his mouth... something we haven't done before. “Yes...” I breathe, shifting around to return the favor. We get lost in the taste and feel of each other for what seems like days. When we come back to ourselves, we're wrapped in each other's arms as our breathing slowly returns to normal. 

After a while of cuddling together, my stomach growls and Todd laughs. “So much for being able to live on love alone,” he quips, tickling me. 

I yelp and jerk away, being extremely ticklish. Naturally, I fall off the bed and we both start laughing. “I don't suppose that does work too well,” I grin, pulling on my shorts and slacks. “Fortunately, we've still got half a pizza and two more Cokes, plus some Hershey bars. So we don't have to. We don't even have to try to live on mystery meat, at least not tonight.” 

He watches me dress, then pulls on his own clothing. “I'm glad of that. I don't want to go to the dining hall tonight, not after...” he blushes. “I feel like someone will see something in my face. That was... incredible...” 

I lean over and give him a gentle kiss. “You are incredible, Todd.” 

Todd turns brighter red and tries for a change of subject. “Do you really think I'll be able to come see you this summer?” he asks wistfully. “It seems too good to be true.” 

“Tell you what,” I suggest, picking up my unfinished pizza slice from earlier. “After we finish eating, I'll go to the pay phone and call my folks. I'm sure they'll not only say yes, they'll offer to talk to your parents themselves. And if I can come up with enough change, I can even call AJ at Dartmouth and see if he knows your brother, if you think that will help.” 

He nods. “I... don't bother your brother,” he says. “If your father calls mine, that will be good enough, I think. Your family is from Boston, right?” 

I nod. “Close to Boston, anyway... Andover. Father and AJ both went to Phillips Academy there. I was supposed to go as well, but my mother got sick when I was in the sixth grade, I don't remember exactly what she had. But she had to have surgeries and live in a care place for a while to recover... she's fine now. But Phillips doesn't start until ninth grade. Father found out about Welton from one of the partners in his law firm, and learned that it starts with seventh grade. So, Father ended up sending me here, rather than pay my tuition at the day school I'd been attending plus hire a woman to live in at the house to take care of me. AJ was going into his senior year already, and he just changed from being a day student to being a boarder at Phillips.” 

Todd nods in understanding. “I'm surprised you didn't transfer in the ninth grade, though,” he says. “I would have thought that your father would have wanted you to go to Phillips anyway. Or am I missing something in the story here?” 

“Father did ask me if I wanted to transfer. But by then, I was starting to realize that, you know, that I'm queer. I figured that if I was living at home, they might start questioning why I wasn't dating anyone. I mean, between the girls at the Abbot Academy and the ones I knew growing up, they'd be sure to wonder. By staying out here, where we see the Henley Hall girls maybe three times a year unless we get into something like drama... I just figured I'd have an excuse for not bringing any girls home, you know?” 

He gives me a sympathetic smile. “At least I had that a little bit easier. For all my family cares about me, I might as well be a piece of furniture in the house. Plus I've always had a bit of a struggle academically... that's why I was at Balincrest until this year, to get my grades up to where they needed to be to make it here. So if Father ever mentions girls to me, it's to tell me to ignore them and concentrate on my studies so I don't embarrass the family. I just never bothered to tell him that I have no problem at all ignoring girls. Of course, when I do get around to telling him that, I expect I'll really embarrass the family.” He opens his second Coke and takes a drink, then grabs more pizza. 

I finish the slice I'm munching on, then take a deep breath. “Todd? It just occurred to me... where is your family located? I can't ask my father to call, if I can't tell him where and who...” 

“Portsmouth,” he answers around a mouthful of cheese and pepperoni. He swallows and continues. “My father is Dr. J. Warren Anderson, Chief of Staff at Portsmouth Regional Hospital. He's actually a junior and my brother is the third, but Father got used to using his middle name to avoid confusion with his father Jeff, and then my brother goes by Jeffrey so it all worked out.” 

I nod and finish my meal, then start digging through my pockets for change for the telephone. “Write down your phone number for me, please? So I can give it to Father.” 

Todd does so, then walks with me down to the pay phone in the dorm lobby. As is usual on a pass Saturday, the dorm is semi-deserted still, as curfew isn't until nine o'clock. As it's only about six, I figure my parents will be home. Even if they have plans for the evening, they likely won't be leaving the house before seven. He leans against the open door of the phone booth as I give the operator my number and deposit the appropriate coins. 

“Cameron residence, hello?” My father's voice sounds odd over the long-distance wires. 

“Father? It's Richard.” 

“Good to hear from you, son. Nothing is wrong, I hope?” 

“No, sir. But I wanted to ask... may I invite a friend to Martha's Vineyard this year?” I cross my fingers nervously. 

Father's laughter explodes in my ear. “Richard, how many times have I asked you to invite someone? You've always said you'd rather not bother. Well, who is it you want to bring along? He's welcome for all of July, if his family will let him.” 

“My new roommate, Todd Anderson, Father. Will you call his family to invite him yourself? He says they'll feel better about accepting if you do it.” 

“Of course I will, son, after all, you don't ask for too many favors. Who am I calling, and what's the number?” 

“Dr. J. Warren Anderson... he's Chief of Staff at Portsmouth Regional Hospital. Todd's home number is POrtsmouth 7-3528. Oh, and Todd says his brother Jeffrey is graduating from Dartmouth this year, pre-med. It's possible that AJ knows him. I'm going to ask the next time I write,” I say. 

“And I'll try calling Dr. Anderson tonight, son, and I'll write you as soon as I know what he says,” Father tells me. “And I'm pleased by the work you've been doing this term, Richard, keep up the good work.” 

“I will, Father. Bye, now.” 

“Good-bye, Richard.” 

I hang up the phone and turn to Todd with a grin. “He's going to call. And he says you can come for the whole month of July if your folks will let you.” 

Todd gives me a slow grin in return. “I hope they do. I really hope they do.” 

“Me too, Todd,” I say as we head back upstairs to our stash of Hershey bars. “Me too.” 

When we get back upstairs, we each grab a Hershey bar and look at our letters again. “You know,” I say thoughtfully, “if we write back tonight, there's a chance we can get them mailed right away. Chris might come up tomorrow afternoon. If she does, we can give her the letters and she can drop them in a mail box when she goes home.” 

Todd beams. “Great idea! Let's hope she does come up.” He mangles the empty pizza box into something that will fit into the wastebasket, then sits at his desk and pulls out his writing paper. 

I line the empty Coke bottles up in the window, since I'll be able to return them for my deposit the next time I get to go to town. Then I take out my paper and start writing. 

**Oh Captain, my Captain,**

**I'm very glad and grateful to hear back from you. Grateful that you don't blame me for what happened, and very glad to know that you are still in the profession that I know you love so well. I hope you do get the position at Berkeley. It sounds as though it would suit you admirably. And beyond that, I hope you're well.**

**As to how we got your new address... would you believe I found it? No, I didn't think you would. I confess, I went snooping through the files looking for it. I know, it seems hard to believe, doesn't it, that I would be the one to do such a thing. But I did. I wanted to do something nice for Todd, and I knew he'd appreciate being able to write to you. And I figured, correctly, that I'd be able to talk my way out of demerits if I got caught in the Dean's office. He's still covering your old classes, so I excused myself for being there by asking him to recommend a classmate to tutor me. Fortunately, I'd already closed the files by the time he arrived. That might have been a little harder to explain away.**

**I'm sure you've heard that Knox and Chris are officially an item now. Meeks and Pitts seem to have found girlfriends as well. Amy and Tina both go to Henley Hall, and both are very interested in electronics, of all things. Apparently, Amy's father worked on the development of the integrated circuit, and also on the EDVAC. Meeks and Pitts are both looking forward to meeting the man. I won't pretend I have more than a vague inkling of what they keep talking about, but I did manage to figure out that Amy's father is a leader in the electronics field. I know both of them want to go into that field, so having a contact like that is bound to help them.**

**About my dream... that's also going to be a little difficult to explain, my Captain. The problem isn't so much what I want to be as opposed to what my father expects me to be... he wants me to go into the FBI, just as he's grooming my older brother to enter the political arena once he has some experience as a lawyer. I think I'd prefer to be a doctor. Father would be disappointed, I think, but would probably understand that.**

**The problem is with what I am, as opposed to what I'm supposed to be. There's no truly delicate way of saying this, so I'm going to be blunt. I'm queer. That is why I suspect that I'll be breaking with my family. I doubt my father will be supportive once that becomes known. But I'm not willing to hide it, at least not once I've graduated from Welton. A big part of why I was such a jerk is because I purposely tried to keep everyone at arm's length. I didn't want anyone to get close enough to me that they might guess.**

**But that's changed now, because of Todd. He and I... we're more than just friends, my Captain. I... we both hope that this won't disgust you into breaking off the correspondence. We're going to try to make it through to graduation without anyone finding out. We figure we can manage to work our way through college if we need to. Who knows? Perhaps we'll even end up coming out to San Fransisco after graduation. I've heard rumors about it... that queers are somewhat accepted there... at least, they're not routinely beaten up for existing.**

**But that's the dream that will likely cause me to break with my family... the dream that Todd and I will share a life together after we're out of Hell-ton. I'll join you in hoping that the break won't happen. But that's really up to them. Once I've graduated from here, I'm done pretending to be what I'm not.**

**Your friend,  
Richard Cameron **

I fold my letter up and place it in an envelope, sticking a stamp on the front and writing in Mr. Keating's address. I glance over at Todd, who is still scribbling busily. I'm not surprised. I've never been as good with words as he is. I smile a bit, watching him as he writes, admiring his profile. He catches me looking as he folds up his letter and blushes. 

“What?” he asks. 

“Just... I like looking at you,” I say, with a blush of my own. 

He ducks his head shyly, smiling. 

I glance at the clock and see that it's almost curfew time. “We should probably take advantage of the pass day, and get into the john before everyone else starts piling in at the last possible moment.” 

He nods and stands up, stretching a bit. “That's probably a good thought.” 

We wash up and head back to the room to change for bed. And as usual now, we climb into the same one, the both of us sleeping better for the presence of the other. 

“Night, Richard.” 

“Night, Todd.” 

We kiss softly, then spoon together under the blanket, him curled against me and my arm over his middle as we cuddle close and drift gently into sleep. 

Todd and I give Knox our letters to Mr. Keating, in hopes that Chris will indeed be up to visit. Todd tells Meeks and Pitts at breakfast that he has a way of contacting the Captain, and that if they want to write him as well, they need to give Knox their letters immediately after lunch. Both of them look astonished, but simply nod and vanish to write. Knox addresses their envelopes for them, and adds them to the pile for Chris to take. Todd and I are almost as glad as Knox when Chris arrives for the Sunday visiting time. 

And so we settle in to await replies. It hasn't been a week yet, so we don't expect to hear back from the Captain quite yet. But on Friday, Todd and I both receive letters from our respective fathers. Todd gulps nervously as he looks at the envelope in his hand. I'm nervous as well, but I take a deep breath and open mine. 

**Dear son,**

**I spoke with Dr. Anderson as you requested. Your friend Todd will not only be accompanying us to Martha's Vineyard, but he'll be spending the first two weeks of August with us at our home as well, as his parents will be attending a convention in Washington. I didn't think you boys would mind spending the extra time together, and Dr. Anderson was quite pleased to avoid having to hire someone to look after Todd and the house while they are gone. Apparently the older son will be doing some sort of internship in Connecticut, and will also be away for the majority of the summer.**

**Tell your friend to make sure he brings a tennis racket if he plays, and a fishing pole if he has one. If he doesn't, tell him we'll loan him one, and teach him to fish. I told Dr. Anderson that we'd pick up Todd at Portsmouth harbor on June 30th, around 10 in the morning. That should leave us plenty of time to sail to Martha's Vineyard before sunset. AJ will drive down to Woods Hole and take the ferry over. He'll meet us with the car at Oak Bluffs harbor to bring the rest of us to the cottage. Oh, and Todd is welcome to use AJ's bicycles at the cottage and at the house, so he won't need to bring one of his own. AJ says he can drive or take the bus if he wants to go wandering while we're on the Island.**

**Your mother and I are both looking forward to meeting Todd. Be sure to introduce us when we come to get you at the end of the school year, and then we'll have most of the summer to get to know him. Keep up your good work meanwhile, Richard. Mother sends her love.**

**Father**

I look up at Todd, a huge smile wreathing my face. “Six weeks!” I say. “We're going to have six weeks this summer... all of July and part of August.” 

Todd blinks, then gives a relieved smile. “I can hardly believe it... let's see what my letter says.” He opens the envelope. 

**Todd,**

**You will be spending six weeks with your roommate's family this summer. Jeffrey is going on internship and your mother will be accompanying me to Washington where I will be attending a medical convention. The Camerons have kindly agreed to keep you with them until our return on August 15th. They will be picking you up from the Portsmouth harbor on June 30th, to sail you to their vacation home.**

**Be sure to thank them for their kindness in putting you up, and don't you dare cause them any problems while you are visiting them.**

**Dr. J. Warren Anderson, Jr.**

I shake my head, reading Todd's letter over his shoulder. “How did you get so nice, with a father like that?” I can't help but ask. “My father might not be the warmest man around, but... God. How do you put up with it?” 

Todd sighs and tosses his letter onto his desk. “I guess I just got used to it. It was always about Jeffrey, you know? They never wanted a second child at all. But it was during the war and Father chose to enlist in the navy rather than wait for the draft to catch up with him. He figured that with being a doctor and knowing the right people, he'd serve out the war stateside. Which he did, but he got sent to Newport News instead of remaining in Portsmouth as he'd planned on. Mother couldn't go with him, housing there was too limited, and of course they didn't want to uproot Jeffrey. However, Father did manage a weekend pass in February of '42 and they met in Washington. Apparently they were... careless... that weekend, because I arrived in November of '42.” 

I slide my arms around him. “I was an accident as well, according to my mother. But she said I was a welcome one. My father went through Dartmouth on an ROTC scholarship, and he went air corps. He was supposed to have gotten out in June of 1941, but with the war on, he chose to stay on, and he got stationed at Hickam... in Hawaii. There was good base housing for families, so my mother and AJ were there with him. They were there when the Japs attacked Pearl... and they got Hickam as well, to make sure we couldn't chase them back to their carriers. I arrived on October 2, 1942... the direct result of my parents finding each other alive in the aftermath of the bombing.” 

Todd grins faintly. “My father is a big flag-waver, but he never saw combat.” 

“Mine wasn't in a combat position, but he served for a year after that in the field as a personnel officer, so he got fairly well acquainted with the sound of combat. Then he got hurt... it sounds funny now, but I'm sure not at the time. He got hit in the leg with the door of a deuce and a half... the truck got blown up by a Jap plane, and somehow the door blew off in one piece and hit him as he headed for the shelter.” I shake my head, torn as always between wanting to laugh at the mental image of a combat injury caused by a door, and wanting to flinch because it happened to my own father. “It smashed his leg up pretty badly, to where they weren't sure he'd be able to walk again without a cane. So they gave him a Purple Heart and an honorable discharge. He used the bonus money they'd paid him when he re-upped to go to law school while he went through therapy for his leg, and he worked his way up into partnership at the law firm started by my grandfather.” 

“You sound like you have a more or less normal family, don't you?” Todd's voice seems more wistful than anything. “I think only Neil's father is as screwed up as mine, from what I've heard from you and the others. Are you sure you want to risk having me stay with you this summer, Richard? I mean... what if we slip?” 

I kiss him gently. “I want you there,” I tell him. “I know it will be a shock to them when they find out. But... no one stays with his parents forever, right? We'll just have to be careful. Besides, it won't be any worse than here... maybe easier, since there won't be as many prying eyes and ears around.” 

Todd leans into my embrace with a sigh. “I just... I worry sometimes. Being with you... it's like a dream. I keep getting scared that I'm going to wake up and find out none of it is real. I love you, Richard.” 

“I love you, too, Todd,” I answer softly.


	14. Chapter 14

The following weekend, I get ready to go into town with Knox to meet Chris at the diner again. He said she'd gotten a packet of letters for us. Todd watches wistfully as he gets ready to go do his work detail... another part of his semester-long punishment for standing up for the Captain. 

“I still can't believe Nolan isn't letting you off,” Knox grumbles. “What good does he think he's doing?” Todd shrugs. “Rule of law and all that,” he says. “He said I was campused for the semester, he's not going to change his mind now. It might make him look bad, you know. At least he's letting me off the work detail a lot earlier than he was back in January and February.” 

I nod. “Thank goodness for small favors, then, right? What do you want for lunch and dinner today, then?” I stow the empty Coke bottles in my newly-rigged side baskets to return for my deposit. 

“Cheeseburgers and onion rings,” Todd replies promptly. “And reubens for later on. They'll keep better for dinner.” 

“More Cokes?” I ask. 

“Yes, please. Unless... I don't suppose you could get a frappe back here somehow?” Todd looks hopeful. 

I look at the baskets thoughtfully. It might work, if I'm careful. “I can try. But I'll get the Cokes anyway, in case I can't. What flavor, assuming I can do it?” 

Todd grins. “Chocolate, please.” 

I grin and salute. “Aye, aye, sir!” 

Todd laughs, waving as he heads off to Nolan's office to report in. Knox and I head into town. Since we're early for meeting Chris, he comes into the general store with me. I return the empties and buy four more Cokes, several Hershey bars, and a pound of ice. 

“What's that for?” Knox asks curiously. 

"It'll keep the Cokes cold until I get back,” I say. “Plus, it'll give me something to help wedge the frappes into place in the basket, so hopefully they won't spill.” 

Knox nods. “Good thinking, Cameron. I was wondering how you planned on getting those back to the dorm.” 

I load my purchases into the baskets, then we walk our bikes over to the diner. Going inside, we sit at the counter, ordering iced teas today rather than coffee. Typically for Vermont, the weather had made a rather abrupt transition from early spring chill to hinting at summer heat since our last pass day. I also place my to-go order of four cheeseburgers, four reubens, two onion rings, and two chocolate frappes. The waitress behind the counter warns me that my order is going to take a while, being so big. I nod and take a sip of my iced tea. Knox is staring at the door. 

“You don't think anything's delaying her, do you?” he asks nervously. 

I try not to laugh. “We're early. She's got ten minutes yet, maybe more. Don't worry until my food is ready, at the very least.” 

Knox grins sheepishly just as Chris walks in carrying a large manila envelope. “Mr. Keating apparently decided it would cost him less to mail everything together,” she smiles, handing Knox a single letter and giving me the large envelope. “There's letters for you, Todd, Stephen Meeks, and Gerard Pitts in there, Richard. You don't mind delivering them, do you?” 

“Of course not, Chris, and thanks once again,” I say. 

She smiles and gives me a peck on the cheek. “It's my pleasure.” She and Knox head out the door, bound for whatever plans they have for the day. A little while later, my order is ready. I take a few minutes settling everything into the baskets... mail and food on one side, drinks, ice, and candy on the other... and set out for Welton once more. 

Todd is sweeping up the front walk, apparently after trimming the shrubbery, when I pull in the gates. He gives me a wave and I give him the thumbs-up to let him know that I managed to get the frappe he wanted. A few dribbles have escaped the paper cups, but for the most part they are intact. 

“I'll be done in a minute,” Todd calls as he sweeps the last of the cuttings into a pile, which he then tosses into a wheelbarrow. “I just need to toss this on the compost heap and put the tools away, then I'm finished for the day. Wait and I'll help you carry everything.” 

I nod. “Sure thing,” I call back 

Todd returns a few minutes later and we lug everything... even the ice... up to our room. The ice and the Cokes go into the wastebasket to keep cool for later. After setting the reubens aside, we dig into the onion rings and cheeseburgers. Todd wears an expression of bliss as he slurps at his frappe. 

Once we've eaten, I take out the letters and set aside the ones meant for Meeks and Pitts. I hand Todd his and open mine with suddenly shaky fingers. 

**Dear Richard,**

**I have to say, you and Todd took me very much by surprise with the revelations in your last letters to me. No, I am not disgusted by the fact that you two are a couple. I would be lying if I said it didn't make me uncomfortable at all, but as far as I am concerned, love is a good thing, even in more... uncommon forms. You're both of an age to start making your own choices in life, so far be it from me to tell you otherwise.**

**I hope for your sake that your family will react better to finding out than you think they will. You must love Todd very much to be prepared to be rejected by your family for him. But in case they don't, I've enclosed a packet of scholarship information from the University of California in with Todd's letter. You're right in thinking that the San Francisco area is somewhat less hostile to men of your persuasion than most places. It's entirely possible that the two of you could find yourselves a home here.**

**Speaking of UC, I definitely have the post there. So if you should end up out here for your higher education, you'll end up with the pleasure of having me as a teacher once again. Oh, and now that I have some prospects in my field, I've taken the plunge and asked Jessica to marry me. She'll come out as soon as I'm done for this school year and we'll be married in one of the little mission churches that dot this area. I'm already nervous.**

**Yours in friendship,  
your Captain **

I look up from my letter with a smile, to see Todd beaming at me over the pile of paperwork in his lap. “The scholarship information?” I ask. 

“It certainly is,” Todd chuckles, scooting closer so we can look at it together. There's quite a bit of it to go through... full general scholarships as well as some major-specific ones, plus some additional information about the health program and the English department. 

“The Captain's a careful reader,” I grin, leafing through the health booklet. “He certainly paid attention to my whole letter.” 

Todd slips his arm around me while perusing the general scholarship requirements. “I'm just glad he's not put off by us. That we're together, I mean. For all he was our teacher, he... he always felt like a friend to me. The first adult I felt like I could trust at all. So I'm glad he's all right with us.” 

I lean over and give him a kiss. “So am I.” 

We read in silence for a while, savoring the last of our frappes. “This isn't going to be easy,” Todd says at last. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Think about it for a minute, Richard. We're both expected to go to Dartmouth. Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are acceptable alternative schools. But the University of California? They'll need official transcripts and probably letters of recommendation from teachers here... Nolan or someone is bound to tell our parents, even if we raised the application fees ourselves. You know they'll ask why were applying to... to some upstart school all the way across the country,” Todd reasons. 

Hmm. I hadn't thought about that. “Well... we can always say we wanted to apply to a... a good quality public school as a backup? And that we chose this one so that if we did end up having to fall back on it, we would get the experience of the travel and the unique surroundings on the West Coast?” 

Todd chuckles. “All right, I guess that will do. It should satisfy the teachers here, anyway. Although we'll still have to deal with our parents, once the time comes for... oh. No we won't, will we? If we're going on scholarship, we won't have to pay more than a nominal fee to hold our places, right? I've got almost a thousand dollars in the bank, and it's my own account. My father won't have to sign for me to take the money out, I mean. It's from all the savings bonds my grandmother gave me, every birthday and Christmas, before she died two years ago.” 

I frown. “Well, I don't have nearly that much saved. Grandad tends to give things for my birthday... like, a new bike every couple of years, and stuff like my microscope in between bike years.” 

Todd laughs at that. “Not bad stuff, though. Better than that damned desk set of mine that my parents sent me two years running. Eh, we'll figure out the money as we need to, right?” 

“Right. Although, we are going to have to find out the application deadlines and such soon. We might want to work on our essays over the summer, don't you think? Or at least figure out what we'll want to write about. Senior year isn't going to be any easier than this year, and they aren't going to reduce the homework any just because we'll be filling out college applications.” I grab the general scholarship booklet and look it over. 

“Look, Todd, we have to apply by November 30th. Applications may be requested as early as September 15th. Ick... well, I guess we could still start our essays. I remember when AJ was doing college applications... he said practically all of them just wanted a little bit of a biography and why you wanted to attend that particular school.” 

Todd gives an evil grin at that. “Heh. We could always write some drabble over the summer, and use that on all the Ivy League applications, to make sure we don't get into any of them.” 

I nod. “Maybe. It sort of seems like cheating to me.”

“Yeah, I guess it is, kind of,” Todd agrees. “But if it takes some of the pressure off... My father expects me to fail anyway. I'll just be living down to his expectations if I don't get into Dartmouth. I don't know. Maybe it's not such a great idea after all.” 

I can't help but agree. “Probably not. I'd almost suggest going for a scholarship to Dartmouth... in English... to prove to him that you are worth way more than he gives you credit for. But if you do that, we'll have to hide for another four years at least.” 

Todd snorts. “If the scholarship is in English, and not a pre-med program, he wouldn't give me the credit anyway. Either I'm exactly what he wants, or I'm worthless.” 

I shake my head once more. “How does your mother stand being married to him?” 

He shrugs. “She likes the prestige of being a doctor's wife. And she never really wanted kids anyway. She was prepared to give my father an heir... Jeffrey... but even he was left mostly to a nanny when he was young. So she wouldn't have to give up her clubs and all that.” 

“Not exactly the maternal type, I see.” I look at Todd for a long moment. 

He blushes. “What?” 

“Nothing. I'm just trying to figure out how you got so nice with your parents,” I tell him. 

“Ah, I'm not that nice,” he protests. “Am I?” 

I nod and give him a hug. “Absolutely. After all, you gave me a chance.” 

He smiles and kisses me gently. “I'm glad I did. I'm glad we talked that night. And glad you had changed enough to make it all possible.” 

Now I'm the one blushing. “Oh, Todd... come on, now...” 

He chuckles and messes up my hair. “It's too nice to stay in all day,” he says. “How about we go to the lake and sign out a scull? I still want to try to do rowing next year, and I know you do rowing.” 

“Sounds like a plan,” I agree. 

We head out to the lake and the boathouse. Mr. McAllister is on duty and looks a little surprised to see me at first, since it's a pass day. But then he spots Todd and gets an understanding gleam in his eye. “Nice of you to consider your roommate, Cameron,” he says in an undertone as he opens the storage chest and pulls out a couple of oars. “It's not every lad who would even remember that his friend couldn't go to town, much less would stay on campus with that friend.” He cheerfully holds the little craft steady as we climb aboard, then he gives us a shove away from the dock. 

We spend the better part of the afternoon rowing all over the lake. Then we head inside and have our reubens and our still-cold Cokes for dinner. We consider rigging a booby trap with the icy water in the wastebasket from the melted ice, but decide against it when we realize we'd be the obvious culprits, just for having been on campus when nearly everyone else was gone. So instead, we shower early and settle in to go over the UC-Berkeley information in depth. 

In the morning, I give Pitts and Meeks their letters at breakfast. They hurry off to read before chapel services, then afterward they ask if we'll be writing back soon. Knox suggests that we can write during study group after dinner, unless anyone has something more pressing to finish for tomorrow's classes. Pitts mumbles something about the Latin homework, but Meeks tells him not to worry about it, he'll help him finish before dinner. 

We all go our separate ways for the afternoon... Meeks and Pitts find a quiet spot to work on the Latin, Knox heads off to a Sons of Alumni club meeting, and Todd and I decide to catch up on our laundry. As we wait for the washers to finish, Todd peppers me with questions about Martha's Vineyard and what we'll likely be doing there. 

“Fishing, mostly,” I tell him with a grin. “And swimming, of course, and there'll be at least one clambake, probably a few of them. A Fourth of July dance and fireworks. Mother will likely ask us to go berry picking for her once or twice... she makes a wonderful blackberry cobbler, but she hates getting all hot and scratched up getting the berries.” 

Todd grins widely at that last. “For blackberry cobbler, I don't mind a few scratches,” he says. “Do you fish off a pier or from your boat?” 

“Both,” I say. “Snapper blues are small fish that run near the shore. They're pretty good fried, and not too much of a pain to clean. On the boat, we usually go for bluefish and striped bass, and sometimes we get a cod or a shark. Have you fished much?” 

“Never, for all we live in Portsmouth,” Todd chuckles. “Mother hates the smell of fish with a passion. During Lent, we always go out to dinner on Fridays, just so she doesn't have to smell it in the house.” 

I laugh as well. “You must live on the far inland side of Portsmouth, then, don't you? Otherwise your poor mother would be smelling fish all the time, with all the commercial fishing that happens there.” 

He nods. “Very true. She keeps trying to talk my father into trying for a position at some other hospital... somewhere inland. But he keeps pointing out that he's chief of staff where he is, and if they go elsewhere, she won't have the same prestige. That tends to shut her up for a while.” 

“I can imagine. Oh, do you play tennis?” I ask. 

“No, why?” 

“Mother plays... she took it up after she recovered from that illness. And she's always looking for a game partner, either someone to play against or someone to play with her in a mixed-doubles set against some of the neighbors. AJ plays, but Father and I don't. I think she was hoping for a new victim.” 

Todd laughs. “Sorry to disappoint her,” he grins. “I guess we'll just have to make it up to her by being very cooperative about the berry picking. What will the sleeping arrangements be like, both on the Island and at your place?” 

I start moving clean and wet clothing to the dryers as I answer. “On the Island, we have a cottage. There's a big living room in front, a combined kitchen and dining room in back, and bedrooms on both sides. Only three, so I expect you and I will be sharing a room,” I smile. “AJ will be next to us, although he'll likely enough spend a lot of his nights elsewhere. And my parents will be across the house from us.” 

Todd smiles at that. “So, if we're quiet, we probably won't get caught, is that what you're saying?” 

I glance around the laundry room. It's in the basement, windowless, and deserted except for us. I lean in and risk a quick hug and kiss. “That's exactly what I'm saying, Todd. And I'm sure we can find other places to be alone sometimes as well.” 

He smiles as he returns the kiss. “I'm very glad to hear that, Richard. What about at your home?” 

“We won't be so lucky there, “ I tell him as I drop my coins into the dryer. “It's a big old showplace from the 1800s, with six bedrooms. You'll be given a room to yourself there. On the other hand, there are usually no less than six dinner parties that my parents attend in the first couple of weeks after we get back from the Island, so we'll still manage to steal some time alone.” 

“Six more weeks of school, then two weeks with my family. Those two weeks are going to be awful,” Todd muses. “But then six weeks with you and your family. Another two weeks with mine, then back to school for senior year.” 

“We'll make it, Todd, I know we will. And then... well, we'll work that out as well.” 

He nods soberly. “We've made it this long. I think you're right.” 

When the laundry is done, we take it back up to our room and put it away. Then we have dinner and join Knox, Meeks, and Pitts in the dorm lobby for our “study” session. In a rare display of concurrent thinking, we all turn up with our English books as a cover for our letter writing. 

**Oh Captain, my Captain,**

**Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. According to my father, the groom is to show up on time and sober, and otherwise is to just stay out of the bride's way as she plans the wedding. So try not to be too nervous. Your Jessica is getting a good man, and don't you forget that.**

**Thank you so much for the information package from UC. Todd and I have looked it over already, and picked out the parts we both wish to study a little more n-depth. It looks like an excellent school, even if it isn't Ivy League. I'm sure you'll fit in well as a teacher there. I'm looking forward to learning from you once again. Maybe this time the lessons will sink in a little more thoroughly.**

**I'm actually looking forward to summer this year. Todd will be spending six weeks with my family... I invited him to Martha's Vineyard with us for July, plus his parents will be away so my father said he could remain with us for a couple more weeks, until they return home. It should be fun. I'm planning on teaching him to fish, as he never has and wants to learn.**

**I expect I'll only be hearing from you once more before the school year ends, as that's only six weeks away. But I'll write at least once more before that happens. Will you be remaining at your current address after your marriage? And if not, do you know where you'll be moving to? If you'll be moving but you don't yet know to where, please write to Chris Noel with your new address so we can continue to correspond next year. She'll give it to us when we return for senior year.**

**Your friend,  
Richard Cameron**

I fold my letter and stuff it into an envelope, then address and stamp it. Todd and Pitts are both done writing already. Knox finishes shortly after me, then finally Meeks wraps up. “How soon can we get these mailed?” Meeks asks quietly. “There won't be a pass for another couple of weeks.” 

Pitts, surprisingly, comes up with a solution. “I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday,” he says. “I can mail them out when I go into town for that.” 

We all hand him our letters, which he stuffs into his Pritchard book. Then we all head upstairs to shower and turn in for the night.


	15. chapter 15

The next three weeks pass quickly, as all the teachers begin reviewing the year's work for our coming final exams. It isn't a pass weekend, but Chris told Knox that she'd gotten a letter packet from the Captain when he called her yesterday, and that she'd come up for a little while today to bring them. Knox told us to wait in various places around the grounds, so that he and Chris could take a stroll and deliver our letters as they walked. 

So Todd and I head to the lake, to go rowing again. Mr. McAllister, on duty in the boathouse once more, comments to Todd, “You should be rowing instead of playing soccer, lad, I've watched you do both and your heart is on the water.” 

Todd shrugs. “I want to, sir,” he says. “But my parents made me do soccer when I started at Balincrest, because my brother played soccer in school. Dean Nolan assigned me to soccer this year based on my records there. And, well, I wasn't very good at speaking up, when I first started here.” 

McAllister frowns a bit. “That... hmm,” he looks thoughtful for a moment. “Tell you what, lad, I'll not likely be able to get you out of soccer if that's what your parents want for you. But I will talk to Dean Nolan about letting you do both next year, if you'd like.” 

“I would, sir, and thank you,” Todd says. 

McAllister gives him a remarkably friendly grin. “You've taken your punishment quite well, if you ask me,” he says, dropping his voice a bit. “I thought the Dean was a bit harsh on you, lad, but saying so didn't do any good. Still, you've bucked up and made no complaint. I'm glad to see you've found a good friend in Mr. Cameron here.” His grin widens to include me. Then he drops his voice almost to a whisper. “I've been in contact with another friend of yours,” he tells Todd. “An older friend. He's still teaching, and he'll be getting married come summer. I don't dare tell you more, lad, but I thought you might like to know.” 

Todd almost chokes at that. Fortunately, McAllister interprets it as surprise, as opposed to the smothered laughter I think it is. “I... I'm glad to hear that,” Todd manages after a moment. 

“Aye, I thought you might be,” McAllister nods. “And you lads will not be telling anyone this, right?” 

“No, sir,” we both promise as he shoves the scull away from the dock. We pull as hard as we can to the far side of the lake before breaking into laughter. 

Knox and Chris are waiting for us in the dockside gazebo on the “pretty” end of the lake... as opposed to the “working” end where the boathouse is... and they grin to see us laughing as we pull up by the dock. “What's so funny?” Knox wants to know as they step out to meet us. 

“McAllister,” Todd replies with a grin. “He's not so bad, when he's not declining nouns at us.” He leaves it at that. 

Knox nods. “I know what you mean. He shows signs of being human once in a while.” 

Chris extracts a pair of letters from her purse and hands them to us. “Enjoy the reading, you two,” she tells us. “We still have to meet up with Stephen and Gerard at the chapel. I'll probably see you once more before school ends, since Knox wants me here on the last day to meet his parents before summer, but in case we miss each other, have a good vacation, and I'll see you when you come back next fall. I'm sure you'll have letters waiting.” She smiles, then she and Knox join hands and amble off towards the chapel. 

Tempting as it is to start reading immediately, Todd and I pocket the letters and row a couple more circuits of the lake, then return the scull and oars to McAllister before finding a place to sit and read. We end up on the bleachers overlooking the track and football field. There are a few other groups of people there, studying or just hanging out since the weather is so nice, but no one is bothering anyone else. We climb to the top and lean back against the railing as we pull out our letters and begin reading. 

**Dear Richard,**

**Be on time and sober, eh? I hate to break it to you, but there is a little bit more than that involved in planning a wedding, even if the bride does handle most of the work. After all, I have a honeymoon to plan. Jessica is a great nature-lover, so I'm thinking of renting a cabin at Yellowstone National Park, or perhaps somewhere to the north of here, among the giant redwoods. I'm leaning towards Yellowstone, though, as we can simply drive up the coast to see the redwoods at any time.**

**Your planned vacation on Martha's Vineyard sounds wonderful as well. If I was still on the east coast, I would consider either there or Nantucket for the honeymoon. But as I'm not... I think geysers make an acceptable substitute for sea spray, don't you? I'm glad to hear that you and Todd will get to spend so much time together over the summer. I hope your vacation works out exactly as I'm sure you've planned it.**

**And I'm glad to know that you found my information on UC useful. Because if there's one thing definite in this world, it's that you can make much, much more of yourselves with an education than without one. I'm glad you're thinking far enough ahead to understand the difficulties you will face because of your relationship, and that you're already making plans to deal with the potential problems that we all know are likely to result.**

**On that note, if the worst should happen at some point next year, I want you to wire me immediately. I'm telling Todd the same thing. I don't want to hear that either of you... tried to resolve a problem the way Neil did. I wish I had known just how bad it was for him. I would have tried to do something... anything... to have kept him alive. Yes, including helping him to run away from home. If you two are found out and expelled, contact me. At the very least, I'll wire you enough money for a train ticket out here, and help you find work of some sort.**

**Your Captain,  
John Keating**

Todd and I put our letters down at the same time and exchange a wide-eyed glance. All either of us can think of to say is, “Damn!” 

By the time the shock of the Captain's parting words in our letters wears off, it's close to supper time. Todd and I drift back up to the dining hall with a few others who didn't want to go back inside until the last possible moment. We join the crowd headed in to eat, accept our trays of mystery meat, then make our way to where Meeks, Pitts, and Knox are sitting. From the conversational topic, the Captain spoke of his wedding and honeymoon plans to all five of us. 

“...love to see the geysers myself some day,” Pitts is saying as we approach the table and sit down. 

“Who wouldn't?” chimes in Meeks. “Maybe I'll ask Pop for a trip out there for a graduation present. Oh, did I tell you yet? He's agreed to let me go to MIT if I can get in there.” 

Pittsie's face brightens. “No, you didn't. But that's great! Between that, and meeting with Amy's parents over the summer, my dad will probably let me go there as well. Amy's father went there, you know.” 

“I wish you both the luck of it,” Knox says. “Be glad you're not only sons. I'm just glad that I really am interested in law, since that's what's expected of me.” He smiles then. “Besides, I can handle anything, if Chris is with me.” 

Todd rolls his eyes a bit at that. “All well and good for next year, but what about after graduation? You know there's no way your parents will let you get married before college.” 

I nod in agreement, as do Pitts and Meeks. 

Knox grins. “Chris is applying to Albertus Magnus,” he replies. “And also to the University of New Haven, and Southern Connecticut State College. She's bound to get into one of those three, so she'll still be nearby. Close enough to get together on weekends.” 

We all chuckle. “You've got everything figured out, don't you?” I smile. “Are she and Ginny definitely coming to Fire Island to visit you and Nuwanda this summer?” 

“They are,” he beams. “And I know Todd is visiting with you this summer since his parents will be away at that conference he mentioned. Meeks, Pittsie, what are your plans for the summer?” 

“Pop is letting me spend a couple of weeks with Pittsie and his family in Lynn... that'll be early July, and we'll be meeting Tina and Amy in Boston for the Fourth of July fireworks and concert on the Esplanade. Then he'll be joining me and my family for a couple of weeks on the Cape in early August. We have a place out in Chatham.” 

“Sounds like good summers all around, then. Including for our friend who's going to Yellowstone,” I say with a smile. “Meeks, Pitts, will you two get to see Tina and Amy at all besides on the Fourth?” 

“We're still fine-tuning that,” Pitts replies seriously. “But we're pretty sure we've got something worked out. Fortunately, they're both in the Boston area, so we figure we can manage at least once every couple of weeks. Kind of like here, actually.” 

“Yes, but without demerits if we're two minutes late,” Meeks adds, making all of us grin. 

“Oh, were you late last pass day?” Todd teases. We all knew Meeks had been late... and that Meeks being late was an unusual enough occurrence that Dr. Hager had actually commented on it, rather than simply giving him the demerits. 

“Anyone for study group tonight?” Meeks attempts to change the subject. 

“Not me,” Knox answers promptly. “With all the reviews we've had this week? My brain is going to explode if I look at a book before tomorrow.” 

The rest of us nod our agreement with Knox's words. I smile to myself when Meeks doesn't protest that he really should be studying. He doesn't want to study any more than we do, but it was the only thing he could think of to get the subject away from curfew and demerits. 

We finish our meal and take our trays over to the dish bins, then separate to head for our rooms. Todd wraps his arms around me once we close the door. I can feel him shaking slightly. 

“What's wrong, Todd?” I ask quietly. I keep my voice low, knowing that with all the open windows at this time of year, we're far more likely to be overheard than back in February. I hold him close, resting my cheek against his hair. 

“I... relief, I guess,” he says, his voice muffled against my shoulder. “Having to be cheerful at supper. I feel so bad for the Captain... I never realized just how personally he took it when... when Neil...” 

I nod, knowing exactly what he means. It came as a surprise to me as well. I figured that as an adult, Mr. Keating would have been more logical about it all. And yet it made sense as well, because adult or not, he cared for us, genuinely cared. I drop a soft kiss on Todd's head. “Let's get the writing paper out,” I suggest. “If he wouldn't let me take the blame for him getting fired from here, I won't let him take the blame for not knowing Mr. Perry well enough to prevent what happened with Neil.” 

Todd nods, although it's another couple of minutes before he moves. Not that I object to his arms around me for any reason. When he does, it's with a smile on his lips. “You know, there is one good thing about it. Guilt offering or not, we have a bona fide safety net now. A place to turn if the worst should happen.” 

I steal a quick kiss before turning towards my desk. “And that is a wonderful thing indeed.” 

We settle down to write, Todd swiftly filling his page while I deliberate over what to say. 

**Oh Captain, my Captain!**

**Yellowstone National Park sounds like a wonderful place to have a honeymoon. I'm sure your Jessica will adore it. I hope to see it myself someday... perhaps with Todd, on our way to California, if everything goes well for us.**

**And if things don't go well... my Captain, thank you so very much for your generous offer to us. I hope we'll never have to take you up on it, but just knowing that we can, that there is someone we can turn to... I don't have the words to express how wonderful that feels, knowing that someone cares enough about us to want to help us in spite of what we are to each other.**

**That said, my Captain, I need to tell you this. Don't blame yourself for Neil. You didn't know... how could you?... the sort of person Mr. Perry is, what he would do to try to force Neil into doing what he wanted rather than what Neil wanted. Everything is always more obvious in retrospect. You're looking back now and saying that you should have seen, you should have done more. But how could you have seen? You had only just started here in September, so you had no prior experience with Mr. Perry. And without that experience, you couldn't have known that Mr. Perry was going to essentially make Neil a prisoner, you couldn't have done anything to prevent it. And how could anyone have guessed that Neil would react the way he did?**

**Captain, you gave Neil... and all of us... the best gift of all, when you taught us to truly live life, and not just go through the motions. You showed us how to find happiness. And now you've given Todd and I an even bigger gift, that of acceptance and of hope. Thanks to you, we know we have a chance at a future, no matter what happens. Thanks to you, we can dream freely. And how do we repay that?**

**Your friend,  
Richard Cameron**

I address the envelope and glance over at Todd. He's folding his letter into the envelope. As usual, he's written three pages to my page and a half. He's definitely a writer at heart. 

Afterward we perform the usual evening ablutions and undress for bed, taking comfort and pleasure in the closeness we share.


	16. chapter 16

All too soon, it's the last day of school. With long experience at boarding schools, we finished our packing last night, only leaving out the clothes we'd need for today. Most of our luggage is already downstairs with everyone else's, leaving us just an overnight bag apiece to hold our toiletries and a few other things, including the pajamas we slept in last night. 

Todd isn't awake yet. His breathing is slow and regular, his body warm against me. I carefully lean up on my elbow to look at him. I feel sort of sappy, doing this, but at the same time I want to burn his image into my mind. God, the next couple of weeks are going to hurt... and I have a decent family to go to. I can only imagine how hard it's going to be on him. 

His eyes open and he smiles up at me, reaching to touch my cheek. “I'm going to miss you, Richard,” he says softly. 

I lean in and kiss him. “I'm going to miss you, too. But at least it's only for two weeks, right? It's not the whole summer.” 

“Thank God for that,” he agrees, returning the kiss. “I don't know if I could take a whole ten weeks with my family. Not after... this past winter. I was always an afterthought to them, but now I'm pretty much a persona non grata. I suspect the only reason Father said I could come stay with you this summer is so he didn't have to hire a full-time housekeeper. He's never shown much interest before in doing anything to make me happy. But why should he pay someone to look after his younger son, when someone else is willing to do it for nothing?” 

His eyes hold that flat and beaten look again and I just want to make the pain go away. “Todd... damn it, they might not be there for you, but I am. Always. I love you. Hell, I'd marry you, if I could.” 

The light comes back into his eyes at that and he smiles. “I love you, Richard. And believe me, I know you're here for me. I thank God for it every day... because without you, I might have... followed Neil. I was... closer to that than you probably want to think about, back in February.” 

I shiver a bit at that, pressing closer to him. He's right, I don't want to think about it. Because then I have to think about the fact that I was also considering the same thing. “I hope neither of us gets to that state again,” I finally say. “You've helped me as much as I've helped you.” 

He holds me a little more tightly at that, and we stay there for as long as we dare. But it's leaving day, so we can't linger for too long. We get up and dress, packing our last-minute items and stripping the beds, bringing the sheets to the laundry service cart at the end of the hallway and then dropping our overnighters with the rest of the luggage as we head to the dining room. 

Breakfast is noisy, with nearly everyone chattering about summer plans. Afterward, everyone scatters around the dorms or Welton Hall and the chapel and their environs, waiting for their parents to arrive. Todd and I sit outside the chapel with Meeks and Pitts, making plans for a study group for next year. We take it for granted that Knox Overstreet will also be joining us for study group, even though he isn't here right now. Chris Noel, along with her parents and Mr. Danburry, had arrived almost as soon as breakfast was over. We all knew that Chris would be meeting Knox's parents for the first time today. I guessed her parents came along to meet them as well, since Chris would be visiting them this summer. As for Mr. Danburry, well, he and Mr. Overstreet were old schoolmates. I figured he decided to take the opportunity to do a little catching up. 

“I hope Knox comes by to say goodbye before he leaves,” Pitts says. “I want to know who he's planning on rooming with next year see if we have a sixth for the study group.” 

“Yeah, because we all know you need the help, Pittsie,” Meeks chuckles. 

“Just because I'm not a genius like you, Meeksie...” Pitts mock growls while Todd and I grin. “Why else would I ask to put up with your snoring next year?” 

Meeks blushes. “I don't snore!” he protests. “Really! I don't! Do I?” He looks at me in appeal, as I roomed with him back in the ninth grade. 

“Well... you do snore sometimes,” I tell him. “But not very loudly, and only when you have a cold.” 

“I can live with that,” Meeks grins, looking relieved. “And so can Pittsie.” 

“What about me?” I ask. “Do I snore?” 

“Nope,” Todd replies. “If you did, I wouldn't have agreed to room with you again next year. But you're good at trig, I'm guessing you'll be good in calculus, and I can use the help. Couple that with being a quiet sleeper, and you just might be the perfect roomie.” 

Pitts laughs at that. “If Cameron's the perfect roomie, what am I?” 

Meeks grins evilly and I know Pitts is in trouble. “You're the stray puppy that someone fed and now you won't go away. It's a good thing you're lovable.” 

Pitts good-naturedly gives Meeks a single-fingered salute, then turns bright red and puts his hand down as his parents come into view. 

The Meeks family is right behind them. The two greet their parents with hugs for their mothers and handshakes for their fathers. Then they say goodbye to me and Todd, heading off to collect their luggage and find Knox to say goodbye to him as well. As they leave, I can hear Pitts talking about MIT and the opportunities to be had there. Meeks and his father offer the occasional comment as well. 

Todd grins at me. “If I had to guess, I'd say Pitts gets permission to go to MIT before the summer is over.” 

“I won't bet against you,” I smile. Then I wave as Knox and what I can only call his entourage come strolling over... him, Chris, his parents, her parents, and Mr. Danburry. 

Mr. Danburry and Mr. Overstreet are chatting amiably, as are Mrs. Overstreet and the Noels. Chris has her arm looped through Knox's as they approach, but lets go to greet Todd and I with a kiss on the cheek each. “Todd, Richard, I'm glad I got to see you before you left for the summer. May I ask a favor of you two for next year? My little sister Carol will be transferring to Henley Hall on scholarship, and I know she'll be feeling a little awkward. Will one of you please be her date for the Halloween and Valentine balls? Assuming she doesn't meet someone else, I mean. And don't tell her I asked you to ask her, of course.” 

Knox chuckles. “I told her we'd find someone for Carol, but Chris says she wants it to be someone I know and trust. Which means you two, Meeks, and Pitts. But they're tied up with Tina and Amy.” 

I look at Todd and he gives a little nod. “I'm sure we can work something out,” I say. “Maybe we could all meet in town on our first pass weekend next September? I'm not looking to... to get involved with a young lady at the moment, but there's certainly no harm in meeting Carol.” 

Todd nods agreement. “My father keeps telling me to pretend girls don't exist, at least until I pull my grades up a little more. But as long as Carol doesn't mind that she likely won't get a boyfriend out of it, I don't think Richard or I would mind being her escort for the dances.” 

“She'll probably pick you,” I tease Todd. “After all, you're the poet. I'm just the math nerd.” 

Todd blushes as Chris giggles. Knox chuckles. “Well, we can worry about that next year. You two, I hope your summer is as good as mine looks like it will be. See you in September!” He shakes hands with both of us, Chris pecks us on the cheek again, and the group moves off, discussing lunch together before the Overstreets leave for home. 

My parents show up next, my mother rushing over to hug me while my father remains more dignified, shaking my hand once Mother lets go of me. “It's good to see you, Richard,” he says with a smile. “Is this your friend Todd who will be joining us this summer?” 

“Yes,” I reply. “Mother, Father, I'd like you to meet Todd Anderson.” 

“Pleased to meet you, ma'am, sir,” Todd says, standing up to shake hands with both of them. 

“Good to meet you as well, Todd,” Father answers. “We're looking forward to you joining us on Martha's Vineyard.” 

“Do you play tennis?” Mother asks with a smile. 

Todd smiles a little nervously. “I'm looking forward to it as well,” he answers, “but I'm afraid I don't play tennis. However, I am an excellent picker of blackberries.” 

Mother laughs at that. “I see Richard's already told you about my cobblers. Well, I think AJ will be more disappointed than I will that you don't play. He was hoping someone else would partner me for a few sets this year, but Richard is hopeless at tennis.” 

I blush and Todd chuckles, seeming a little more at ease now that Mother is teasing us both. Father speaks up then. “Todd, are you parents here yet? Evelyn and I would like to at least introduce ourselves to them so they'll know exactly who it is you'll be spending the summer with.” 

“I haven't seen them yet, sir, but they're due at any moment now,” Todd replies, checking his watch. 

As he speaks, another couple moves into sight. The woman is rail-thin, with perfectly styled blond hair that even I can tell is bleached. Her clothing and makeup are also perfect, as though she expects to be photographed at any moment. The man is quite distinguished looking, with salt-and-pepper hair and a perfectly tailored suit. Todd bears little resemblance to either of them at first glance, but they are headed in our direction. As they draw closer, the man speaks to Todd. 

“We expected you to be in Welton Hall. However, we took the opportunity to speak with the headmaster before we came looking for you, Todd. He seems to believe you've redeemed yourself after the nonsense of last term. Certainly your grades have improved this term. Dean Nolan gives me to understand that this is a result of studying with your roommate. Is this he?” Dr. Anderson looks me over. Now that he's close, I see that he and Todd have the same eyes, only his are cold and calculating, while Todd's are warm. 

“Yes, sir,” Todd says, looking somewhat strained and pale in the presence of his parents. “Richard gave me some coaching in trig and chemistry.” 

I try to summon up an engaging smile such as Nuwanda would, but it's difficult to do in the face of Dr. Anderson's coldness. “It's good to meet you, sir. And to be fair, Todd gave me plenty of help in English in return.” I hope that will thaw the ice a little, although I doubt it. 

My father steps in then, which salvages the situation. “Andrew Cameron, attorney at law,” he says, offering Dr. Anderson a hand to shake. “And my wife, Evelyn.” 

“Dr. J. Warren Anderson, and my wife, Paige,” Dr. Anderson replies, briskly shaking the offered hand. “It's quite good of you to host Todd this summer.” 

“Nonsense, we're glad to have him,” Father says. “About time Richard brought a friend out to stay. His brother AJ almost always has a friend out for all or part of the summer.” 

Dr. Anderson nods. “Be that as it may, I do appreciate it. Saves me a bit of trouble, and allows me to have Paige accompany me to Washington. So, June 30th at Portsmouth harbor?” 

Father nods. “That's right, we should be there about ten in the morning, so we'll have enough time to make it down to the Island before dark.” 

“Todd will be there,” Dr. Anderson says. “Come along, Todd, we have quite a drive ahead of us.” 

I really want to give Todd a kiss or at least a hug goodbye, but there's no way, not with our parents all standing there. I give him an encouraging glance instead. “See you in a couple of weeks, Todd.” 

He smiles back, although he still looks a bit strained. “I can't wait,” he answers. “See you soon.” He follows behind his parents. 

Father helps me with my luggage as we head for his car. Mother shakes her head. “That poor boy,” she comments. “I knew women like Paige Anderson when I was at Vassar. Excellent society women, perhaps, but terrible mothers. And his father doesn't seem much better.” 

I silently agree as the car pulls out of Welton's gates. I can't wait to see Todd again.


	17. chapter 17

_Todd is crying. I can't see him, but I can hear by the harshness in his breathing that he's trying to hold back sobs. Dr. Anderson is berating him. “Five ninety-eight? You're not even worth that much, you stupid little runt! I should have taken care of things like Paige wanted me to, then we wouldn't have had to put up with you. But with the war, she couldn't go abroad to have it taken care of, and the one fellow I knew who would have done it was in the navy and off at Pearl Harbor, so he couldn't help either.”_

_I choke back a whimper of my own. I have to find Todd. I have to, before his father drives him to do something awful. I can't bear it if that happens. “Todd?” I call tentatively. “Todd, where are you?” His sobs are growing quieter now, I can barely hear him anymore. “Todd... don't leave me, Todd... please don't leave me! Where are you?”_

I sit up with a gasp, sweat pouring down my torso. I blink a couple of times, then realize I'm in my own room. It was just another nightmare, just like the others that have plagued me since school let out. I can hear a few birds chirping, although the the sky is just barely starting to lighten with the dawn. I start to lie down again, then smile as I remember what day it is. It's June 30th. The day we set sail for Martha's Vineyard by way of Portsmouth. The day I get to see Todd again. 

I squint at my alarm clock, then give up and turn on the bedside light so I can read it properly. 5:18. The alarm is actually set for 6:00, but I know there's no way I'll get back to sleep now. I shut it off and quietly head for the bathroom. Fortunately, my parents' room is at the other end of the house, so I won't wake them, and AJ can practically sleep through anti-aircraft fire. I set the shower to a comfortable temperature and step into it. My thoughts drift to Todd again as I wash, and within moments, my body reacts. I start to change the water to cold, then hesitate and wrap my hand around myself instead. It's been a couple of weeks after all, and maybe a little relief now will keep me from doing anything stupid later. My hand moves faster as I picture Todd's mouth on me, his body pressed against mine. I stifle a moan as I erupt, then sag a bit against the wall as the warm water rinses away any evidence of my activity. 

Once I'm done in the bathroom, I head back to my room to dress. I can hear my parents starting to move around, so I finish my last-minute packing and head downstairs with the overnight bag. Mother passes me in the hall, smiling to see me up and ready so early. “Will you start the coffee, Richard, since you're up?” she requests. “That usually gets AJ up faster than anything else.” She slips back to her room as I nod. 

Downstairs, I drop my bag with the others, then start the coffee brewing. On impulse, I toss bread into the toaster and start scrambling eggs for the four of us. No one at school knows I can cook, of course, but Mother insisted that AJ and I both learn the basics of food preparation. As she put it to Father, when he questioned it, “What if they marry late, Andrew? Do you want them to starve to death, or waste all their income at restaurants?” 

Mother gives me a hug when she gets downstairs and sees breakfast nearly finished. Father loads the car with the bags, then comes inside just in time for the food to be ready. AJ stumbles downstairs a minute later, looking as though he's sleepwalking, but perking up a bit when Mother passes him a cup of coffee. He looks much more awake by the end of the meal, heading out to the car with a grin. “See you all at Oak Bluff Harbor late today,” he calls as he backs out of the driveway. Ten minutes after he leaves, Grandfather pulls up to drive the rest of us to Salem Harbor, where we keep the Evelyn Rose moored. 

It's perhaps 9:45 when we nose into Portsmouth Harbor. I'm at the rail with my binoculars, peering along the docks for Todd while Father looks for an open slip at the public moorings. I spot him, alone and sitting on his suitcase, leaning against the bait and tackle shop. I restrain myself long enough to help Father tie up the Evelyn Rose safely, then I take off running to greet Todd. 

“Avast, me hearty!” I yell in a silly pirate accent. His eyes fly open and he laughs. We grab each other in a back-thumping hug somewhat reminiscent of football players celebrating a touchdown... about the only way two young men can get away with something like that in public. I really wish I could kiss him, but that would be Bad with a capital B. 

“Ahoy yerself, ye scurvy dog,” he grins as we pull apart. “God, this has been the longest two weeks of my life. It's great to see you, Richard. Where are your parents?” 

“They're still aboard the Evelyn Rose,” I tell him. “When I said you were alone, Father said that you didn't need the full committee to escort you to the proper dock, and that since my back is younger than his, I could just help you with your bags while he relaxed with Mother.” 

Todd grimaces. “Yes, well. Father dropped me off down here a couple hours ago, on his way to work. No point disrupting everyone's schedule, he said, since it isn't raining and I could wait out here without any problems.” 

I shake my head, once again left with no words by the casual disregard Todd's parents have for him. I pick up his big suitcase before he can protest, leaving him with the two small overnighters. He follows me back to the Evelyn Rose, where my parents welcome Todd aboard. Mother directs him to the cabin to stow his bags while I cast off the mooring lines, jumping lightly aboard as Father begins pulling away from the dock. 

Todd emerges from the cabin, gazing around the boat in some wonder, his eyes alight with happiness. I'm trying to keep from showing how much his smile is making me melt. Luckily, Father decides to launch into a lecture about sailing. I've heard it before, but Todd obviously hasn't. He's soaking it all up, even asking a few hesitant questions when he doesn't understand something. 

The day passes fairly easily. Mother has, as usual, packed enough food for an army. Todd and I eat lunch first, then Father has me take the wheel so he can eat with Mother. A few minutes after the cabin door closes behind them, I feel Todd's arms slipping around my waist. “God, I've missed you,” I tell him, leaning back into his embrace. 

“And I've missed you,” he says, his breath warm against my ear. He stays there for a long moment, then reluctantly pulls away. “I won't risk your parents catching us,” he says with a sigh. 

“But I'll give you a proper greeting tonight,” I promise with a smile. 

He grins at that, then blinks as it occurs to him that I'm actually controlling the boat at the moment. “Is it hard to sail a boat like this?” he asks. 

“Not very,” I say. “I don't have a pilot's license yet... I have to be eighteen for that... but since this is a private vessel I don't actually need to have one. Would you like to take the helm for a bit? It's nice open water here, so there's no need to worry about hitting anything.” 

“Um... okay,” he agrees a little nervously. I hand him the wheel and show him the controls for the throttle and explain the various dials and gauges to him. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Father emerge from the cabin and grin, then go back inside. He spends at least a couple of hours inside, not coming back out until we're approaching the high-traffic zone near the Cape Cod Canal. 

“Okay, boys, good work,” he tells us cheerfully. “But neither of you have the experience to navigate the canal, so I take over from here.” 

“Of course, Mr. Cameron,” Todd says politely, stepping aside to let Father take the wheel. 

“It'll be a couple more hours yet, Todd,” I tell him. “Do you want to sit inside or stay up on deck?” 

“On deck, definitely,” he smiles. 

I lead him towards the benches at the stern. “This is always my favorite relaxation spot at sea,” I tell him. 

“I need to relax,” he says with a sigh. “I was right, thinking things were going to be worse than usual this summer. Thinking of this is the only thing that kept me going.” 

“What can I do to help?” I ask quietly. 

“You already have,” he tells me, giving my hand a quick squeeze since no one is looking in our direction. 

Todd and I hastily drop each others' hands as Mother comes out on deck and heads in our direction. For a brief and frightening moment, I wonder if she noticed, but she sits down across from us and starts talking about the Fourth of July clambake and fireworks. She seems to be trying to draw Todd out a bit, but he's in his tense and silent mode, as usual when there's an unfamiliar adult talking to him. Still, she's good at putting people at ease. He starts to loosen up a little when she starts talking about sending the two of us blackberry picking tomorrow or the next day, so she can make a cobbler for the clambake. He asks a few questions about what to expect, since he's never been on a clambake before. That sets Mother off and running, her stories lasting until we enter Oak Bluff Harbor. 

I help Father get the Evelyn Rose moored at our dock, then Todd and I get his bags from the cabin. Mother and Father are already greeting AJ when we reach the dock. Todd staggers a bit and I chuckle. “It'll take a few minutes to get your land legs back,” I tell him. 

“I wish you'd warned me ahead of time,” he laughs ruefully as he wobbles. 

AJ comes over to meet him, giving him a grin and a hearty handshake. “Jeffrey Anderson's brother, hmm? Good to meet you, Todd, and I hope you're not the same kind of pompous peabrain your brother is. But I'm sure you're not, or Richard wouldn't have asked you out here. He's the pickiest guy I know when it comes to choosing friends.” 

Todd just blinks at that. “You do know Jeffery then?” 

“Yeah, I know him,” AJ replies. “He'd be a lot nicer if he wasn't so convinced that his shi... well, that he's too good to be true,” he reddens a bit as Mother gives him a Look at what he almost said. “We're in the same frat, though, so I'm civil to him.” 

Todd appears to be mulling this over as we stow his bags in the trunk and arrange ourselves into the car for the short ride to the cottage. I help Todd with his bags, leading him to the room we'll be sharing for the next month. AJ was nice enough to bring the family's bags inside when he arrived earlier, so my things are waiting in the room for me to unpack. 

By the time we're done putting everything away, Mother calls us to dinner. It smells wonderful, steak and jacket potatoes cooked on the charcoal grill, and a salad with lots of tomatoes. Afterward, Father gives me a dollar and suggests that Todd and I walk down to the ice cream parlor for some dessert and says that he and Mother will be over at the neighbor's playing bridge. AJ has already vanished, saying something about meeting up with his friends. 

I smile. “I'll be sure to bring back some change,” I say. 

“You'd better,” Father chuckles. “Even at your age you shouldn't be able to eat fifty cents' worth of ice cream apiece coming on top of that dinner.” 

Todd hesitates, then asks diffidently, “Would you like some help cleaning up before we go, Mrs. Cameron?” 

I can tell Mother is pleased by the offer. “Why, thank you, Todd, but you boys go along tonight. There's not much to clean since we cooked on the grill... the dishes won't take me long at all, with no pots and pans to worry about. Go on, go enjoy.” She makes little shooing motions at us with her hands, as though we're a couple of puppies or something, so we head out. 

We stroll down to the ice cream parlor, which is crowded with people around our age, both native Islanders and summer people like myself. I introduce Todd around to a few people that I recognize, then we decide on root beer floats. Todd is less talkative with so many strangers around, not that I blame him. We mostly just sit quietly, listening to the buzz of conversations around us, although I put in a word or two when the talk turns to the Fourth of July clambake. Most everyone is pleased to hear that Mother will be making a cobbler for it. 

It's growing dark as we head back to the cottage. Here and there, families are gathered on porches, and the shadows are punctuated by the laughter of little kids chasing fireflies. Mother's left a light on for us in the living room, so we don't kill ourselves falling over any of the furniture when we come in. I let Todd wash up first, then join him in our room, closing the door. 

He's in my arms almost before I can turn around. “Richard... I've missed you... missed this... God...” His voice is thick with emotion and unshed tears. 

I hold him close, stroking his hair. “And I've missed you, Todd. What's wrong, love, what happened since school ended?” 

“Everything. Nothing. I don't know...” He shivers, pulling me closer. “I think... I had it shoved in my face once too often, that they could care less about me. We were all at dinner, celebrating Jeffrey's graduation and his acceptance at Yale med school, when Jeffrey asked Father what I would be doing this summer. Asked Father, even though I was sitting right there next to him. And Father said... 'One of his classmates apparently took pity on him and decided to befriend him. He'll be staying with that boy's family this summer, which spares me from having to hire a housekeeper. Your mother and I can relax and enjoy ourselves for once.' I wanted to crawl under the table and die, I really did...” He can't hold back the tears any longer, sobbing against my chest. 

I wish I could kick Dr. Anderson into the middle of Massachusetts Bay. “Shh, Todd. I'm here... I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you.” Not letting go of him, I nudge him gently in the direction of the closer bed, tugging him down into my lap once we shuffle over to it. I continue to hold him, stroking his hair and murmuring reassurances as his sobs slowly quiet. “Do me a favor, love, if it ever gets that bad again, telephone me. You can reverse the charges if you need to, I don't mind. But if you ever need to hear my voice, call me.” 

“You mean that, Richard? You really don't mind?” Todd lifts his head, looking hopefully into my eyes. “I kept thinking... maybe my father was right, maybe you were just taking pity on me...” 

“Never, Todd, never,” I interrupt him. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too,” he breathes before pressing his lips to mine in a burning kiss. 

I quickly lose myself in the kiss, tasting the lingering sweetness of the root beer float on his lips. After a while, Todd pulls back, looking at me with eyes that seem glazed in the moonlit room. “Richard, I...” 

“Shh,” I tell him. “We need to get more comfortable, I think.” I lift him to his feet, then slowly draw down his pajama bottoms and undershorts. It's not the first time I've seen him naked, we've been in the showers together with the rest of our section after PE at school. But it is the first time I've been able to look at him, to admire his slim musculature and finely sculpted flesh. “You're so beautiful,” I tell him. 

Even in the dimness of the room, I can see the blush staining his cheeks. “You're biased,” he murmurs. “And I want to see you now.” He tugs me up, then hooks his fingers into the waistbands of my pants and shorts, dropping them to the floor. Now it's my turn to blush, embarrassed by my fishbelly white redhead's complexion as he looks at me. “You're gorgeous,” he breathes, lifting a hand to caress my chest and shoulder. “Like a marble statue of some ancient god, only warm flesh rather than cold stone.” 

I can feel my blush deepening at his words. “You definitely have the silver tongue of a poet,” I tell him as I pull him close. I step carefully out of the fabric trap around my ankles and lift him up, carrying him the two steps to the bed and laying him down gently before I join him there. 

We hold each other, kissing and caressing, reveling in the sensation of each others' touch after being apart. After a while, Todd breaks a kiss to murmur huskily into my ear. “Richard... I love you...” 

“I love you, too,” I whisper, sliding around to concentrate on offering him pleasure. He whimpers as I take him in my mouth. He curls around to return the favor as we lose ourselves in the pleasure of each other. Afterward, we snuggle together to go to sleep. 

In the morning, we hastily rumple the second bed for Mother's benefit before we get dressed and join the family for breakfast. Mother suggests that I show Todd around the Oak Bluff area today since she'll need us to go berry picking tomorrow. AJ tells Todd that he's welcome to use his bicycle, since he'll be busy beating Mother at tennis. Mother grins at that, and Father tells AJ not to put any money down on that. Todd just looks from one to another as they talk. It's painfully obvious to me that he's never seen what I consider to be normal family interaction. 

We ride off after breakfast, and I show him around the stores, the beach, the park, and the harbor. On the way back, we decide to stop off for cokes and drink them in the park. “Is your family always like that?” Todd asks me suddenly. 

“As long as things are going well, yes,” I tell him. “About the only time things were different was when Mother was so sick that year. And if either AJ or I got into trouble or brought home bad grades.” 

Todd can't help but chuckle. “You, Richard, get into trouble? I have a hard time picturing that.” 

I grin a little sheepishly. “Well, I only did once, back in first grade. I socked a kid in my class for making fun of my hair. AJ did a few times, though. For some reason, it never seemed to bother him much, how... disappointed... Father was whenever it happened. Me, I hated it... Father would get so cold. After that one time, I always tried my best to avoid trouble, so that Father would be proud of me.” 

“And yet... you know it's going to be a disappointment when... if... he finds out about... about us.” Todd gives me a searching look as he speaks. 

“I know. But you're worth it to me, Todd,” I say, meeting his gaze squarely. “You've seen the worst of me and you still gave me a chance. For you, I'll face any trouble that comes. Just as long as we're together in the end, that's all that matters to me.” 

Todd reddens, looking both pleased and humble. “You're incredible, Richard, you really are.” 

I want to kiss him, but we're in the park, with a few little kids and their mothers at the swings and a few other teens lounging around. I drink the last of my coke instead, and scramble to my feet. “Let's get some lunch and then go fishing down at the pier,” I suggest. 

He grins, jumping up as well. “Race you back to the cottage,” he hollers as he hops on AJ's bike and takes off. 

I laugh and pedal hard to catch up.


	18. chapter 18

The summer goes by swiftly. Too swiftly, in my opinion. Todd and I had a wonderful time on the Island, and a fairly good time since we've been back in Andover as well. It's been a little harder here, of course, since we each have our own rooms at the house. But tonight is Todd's last evening with us, his parents are due to pick him up tomorrow afternoon on their way home from Washington. We're both a little subdued at dinner, thinking of the coming two-week separation. 

AJ is spending the week with friends, and Mother seems to notice our moods, but Father is rather cheerfully oblivious. He's going on about how our senior year ought to be fun and that we'll want to make sure our college application essays are perfect. “I know both of you boys will be applying to Dartmouth in the family traditions,” he says. “Where else are you planning to apply?” 

“Yale, Princeton, and the University of California at Berkeley as my backup school, sir,” Todd replies. 

“Harvard, Cornell, and UC Berkeley as a backup,” I answer. 

Father blinks a bit at our answers. “I understand choosing a good school as a backup, boys, but why that particular one? It's so far away.” 

“That's just it, Father,” I tell him. “It is far away. So if it comes to needing to go to my backup school, I can get all sorts of new experiences that I wouldn't have by going to a non-Ivy League school here in the northeast. Just think of all the places of historical interest I could see in driving out there, for example... I could see Washington, the Mississippi River, the Alamo...” 

Todd, somewhat comfortable at speaking up around my parents after his time with us, chimes in. “Also, sir, San Fransisco is considered the cultural center of the West Coast. While there may not be the sheer numbers of museums and theaters as in New York City or Boston, those things are available there, as they perhaps wouldn't be elsewhere.” 

“All right, I see you boys have thought about it and done some research,” Father concedes. He studies me for a long moment. “Richard, if you'd rather not go to Dartmouth...” 

Mother cuts him off. “Andrew, for goodness' sake, this is hardly the time for this discussion. We ought to be getting ready for the Prescott's reception, and I'm sure the boys want to make the most of their last evening together before school starts. I know what you're trying to say, and it can wait for tomorrow night.” She softens her little rebuke with a smile and a squeeze of his hand. 

Father returns her smile. “All right, Evelyn, you're correct. Boys, we'll probably not be back until midnight or later.” He gets up from the table and heads upstairs, presumably to change for the reception. 

Mother stands as well, but hesitates before leaving the room. “I suppose you two will want to stay up all night talking,” she smiles. “AJ and his friends usually did on their last night together. If you want to, Richard, you can pull out the sleeping bags and camp out in the den tonight, so there's no chance of disturbing us if you're still talking at four o'clock in the morning. Just make sure you clean up after yourselves if you make any late-night snacks... Betty won't appreciate a sink full of dishes when she comes in tomorrow morning,” she adds, referring to our part-time housekeeper. Then she follows Father upstairs to dress. 

I smile at Todd. “Camping out in the den sounds like a good idea to me. We can watch television until it goes off the air for the night, then maybe we can do some writing. I bet our friends would like to hear about our summer.” 

Todd brightens at that suggestion. “I bet you're right. And we'll have time to go to the post office before my parents come for me, won't we?” 

“As long as we don't sleep until two in the afternoon, sure.” I stand up as Betty comes in to collect the dinner dishes. “Let's go find the sleeping bags.” 

He follows me to the attic and we rummage around for a bit, looking for the camping gear. Once we find the sleeping bags, we take them to the den along with pillows from both our rooms, and set them up facing the television. Mother pokes her head in to say goodnight and tell us that she and Father will try not to disturb us when they come in tonight, on the off chance that we're asleep by then. Shortly afterward, Betty stops in to ask if we need anything before she goes home for the night. I tell her to go on and have a nice evening, that Todd and I are perfectly capable of opening the refrigerator if we want a drink of milk. She laughs and leaves. 

Todd looks up from the TV Guide. “Let's hear it for summer reruns,” he quips. “We've got Maverick, Gunsmoke, and The Twilight Zone, along with Peter Gunn and The Untouchables. Or The Lawrence Welk show.” 

I mock-shiver. “No! Save me from the evil bubble machine!” 

Todd laughs and switches the channel to Maverick. We watch a few shows before taking a break to change into our pajamas and then fix popcorn and get a couple of cokes apiece. We're back at the tv in time for The Twilight Zone. Todd grins. “The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street!” he exclaims. “Followed by The Hitch-Hiker.” 

“Oh, I love that one! Let's hope we don't see anyone like that... or blow out a tire... when we're going to California,” I chuckle. 

He laughs as well, moving over to snuggle against me as we watch and eat the popcorn. Afterward, when the news comes on, I grab some writing paper and a couple of books to lean on and we settle back to write. 

**Oh Captain, my Captain!**

**I hope your summer has been as good as mine has. Having Todd with me for the last six weeks has been wonderful. Sure, we've had to be careful, but we've managed. The only bad news is that Todd has to go home for a couple of weeks before school starts again. His parents will be picking him up tomorrow. This will be the first time I've truly looked forward to returning to school!**

**One thing that's interesting, my father asked earlier this evening about our choices of colleges. And he started to say something that I'm pretty sure indicates he won't try to force me into attending Dartmouth. Mother stopped him, but more in the manner of not wanting to get into a personal discussion with Todd there, than in disapproving of what he intended to say. So it looks as though I'll be able to come to California without opposition from home, at least not from the perspective of Father insisting I follow family tradition. I think telling him about Meeks and Pitts getting permission to go to MIT helped. I only hope Todd has the same sort of luck with his family, but I don't think he will.**

**I've told Todd to call me any time he needs to over the next couple of weeks. Even my parents have commented about his, and the way they treat him. They saw enough, when our families met at Welton on leaving day, to upset them. I'm going to ask if they'll invite Todd back a few days before school starts, and drive us up to school together. But I'm not telling Todd, in case they say no. I don't want to hurt him by getting his hopes up and then having them say no for whatever reason. I figure his parents will be more likely to accept the invitation if it comes from my parents.**

**But enough of the gloom. Summer was wonderful. I taught Todd to fish out on the Island, and he ended up being the one to land a small shark when we were out on the boat with my father. He and I kept my mother supplied with blackberries for cobbler, and my brother AJ taught us both to play poker. We also spent a day in Salem once we got back home, touring the Peabody Museum and having fun on the rides at the Salem Willows park as well as seeing the House of the Seven Gables.**

**I can't wait to hear about your wedding, and your trip to Yellowstone. I think Todd and I might try to plan our route to visit there when we drive out to California next summer. Which assumes everything goes well until then, of course. Still, it's nice to have a plan in mind. It gives me something to do besides worry over what might happen if we're found out. But we've made it this far, I think we'll be all right.**

**Your friend,  
Richard **

Despite having gone to sleep well after midnight, I wake up fairly early in the morning. Todd is still asleep, curled up against me with his head on my shoulder and one arm over me. He looks so relaxed when he's sleeping, I hate to disturb him, but I'm thirsty. I carefully ease out from under him, trying not to wake him, and head into the half-bath attached to the den. One drink of water and a few minutes later, I head back to snuggle beside Todd once more. I wish we could just stay here like this forever... no outside world to condemn us. 

But the outside world is there. I can hear my parents moving around upstairs. I squint over at the clock. 7:15. Father never sleeps in on weekends. Sometimes I wonder if that ever bothers Mother. Most of the time I don't mind starting a Saturday early... everyone knows the fishing is best just past sunrise... but every now and again I like to be lazy and lounge in bed even if I'm awake. Like today. 

Todd stirs beside me. I like watching him wake up; he has this whole little routine of yawns, stretches, and blinks that he goes through before he's fully alert. I give him a gentle kiss to help the process along. He smiles and hugs me even before his eyes are completely open. 

“Wha' time's it?” he mumbles. 

“Not quite 7:30,” I tell him. “You can sleep more if you want to.” 

He shakes his head. “Uh-uh. 'S our las' day. M'parents are comin' th's'afternoon. Wanna enjoy th' time with you while I can.” 

I smile and give him another kiss. “You won't hear any complaints from me.” 

He completes enough of his waking up routine to get him as far as the bathroom. When he returns, his face shows signs of a splashing, but his eyes are fully open and he looks reasonably alert. “Do we have plans for the day?” he asks. 

“Other than strolling to the post office to mail our letters, no,” I tell him. “Although Mother might have plans for a farewell lunch for you... as opposed to a farewell dinner, since you won't still be here at dinnertime.” 

“I can live with that,” Todd smiles, getting dressed. “I wish my mother was like yours. Hell, I wish both my parents were like yours. Your father is going to let you go to Berkeley if you want, isn't he?” 

I pull on my own clothes. “I think so. As much as he'd like to see me do what he wants, I think he's pleased enough that AJ is following his plans... law school, the firm, and a possible political career... to let me try something different. It's the advantage of being the younger son, I guess, at least as long as the older one is doing what's expected of him.” 

He snorts. “Yeah, unless you're the son of Dr. J. Warren Anderson of Portsmouth. About the only advantage I have is that my grades are not exceptional enough to guarantee me entrance to Dartmouth. God help me if I do get in there. And that reminds me, I need to close out that bank account of mine before we go back to Hell-ton, so I'll have the money when I need it to send my confirmation deposit to Berkeley.” 

“You're much braver than I am, I think,” I tell him as I start rolling up the sleeping bags. 

Todd blushes. “I couldn't be, if I didn't have you believing in me, Richard.” 

Now it's my turn to blush. I finish rolling the sleeping bags and take them upstairs to the attic while Todd returns the pillows to our rooms. 

On my way back down to breakfast, I detour to my parents' room. “Father? May I talk to you for a moment?” 

“Of course, Richard, what is it?” Father beckons me inside. “Your mother is downstairs already.” 

“Would you... that is... I'd like to have Todd back the weekend before school starts, if it's all right with you and Mother.” I look down nervously, not wanting him to guess the real reason behind my request. “You saw... at school... the way he's treated. I know it's not really our business, they're not beating him or anything, but... well, they'd probably see it as a favor, if they don't have to drive him to school this year. They can go concentrate on Jeffrey. Besides, I know Todd would prefer riding with us anyway.” 

Father rubs his chin thoughtfully. “You're right about the way his parents treat him, son. He was awfully uncomfortable around me and your mother when he first joined us. But it's more than that, I think. Wasn't Todd the roommate of that boy who killed himself just before the Christmas break last year?” 

I try to hide my wince at hearing Neil spoken of so casually. But of course Father has no idea how I'd felt about Neil. “Yes, sir, Todd and Neil were roommates.” 

“So, top off uncaring parents with the loss of a friend to suicide,” Father nods. “Todd's very lucky to have a friend like you, son. And I'm proud of you for being there for him. All right, when his parents come for him today, I'll ask if he can come back for the last weekend and ride up to Welton with us. But no promises, his parents might want him to remain home.” 

“Thank you, Father,” I smile. 

He ruffles my hair. “Just keep studying with him this year. Your English grade showed a nice improvement once the two of you started working together. Now get out of here and let me finish getting ready. Just make sure you and Todd leave some bacon for me!” 

“Yes, sir!” I reply, snapping a salute. Father's laugh follows me down the stairs. 

Todd's already in the dining room. Mother is just getting up from the table. “Oh, Richard, I was just telling Todd that whatever you boys do today, I'd like you back by one. I'm going to make Todd's last meal with us a festive one, even if it is just lunch.” 

I nod as I take my seat. “All right, Mother, we will.” Todd and I dig into the food that Betty brings us as Mother goes upstairs. After we're done, I give him a smile. “How about we go for a ride downtown? We can stop off at some of the stores, and even get a postcard to mail to your brother if you want.” 

Todd looks puzzled for a fraction of a second, but realizes I've added that bit in case anyone wondered why we might want to go to the post office. “That sounds like a plan,” he agrees. 

We stop off in the study to grab our letters before getting out the bikes and heading to town. Once we've mailed the letters, I lead the way to the woods a couple blocks away from my house. AJ and I built a treehouse there, the year before Mother had gotten sick. It's still in good shape, though, and we won't be disturbed there. Todd laughs when we climb up and find a few old copies of Playboy magazine that AJ must have left up there. “Better hidden here than under the mattress,” he quips as he shoves them aside. 

I pull him close, needing to feel him in my arms so I can forget for a little while that he won't be there for the next couple of weeks. He seems to feel the same way. For a long time, we simply hold each other. 

Eventually, of course, we do have to pull apart and return to the house for lunch. The phone rings as we're washing up. To my surprise, Mother calls out that it's for me. Wondering who might possibly be calling, I dry my hands and take the phone. 

“Richard? It's Knox,” I hear in my ear. 

“Knox? This is a surprise,” I tell him. “I didn't think I'd be hearing from you until school started.” I turn the receiver slightly, so that Todd can also hear. 

“Well, I had some news that I figured you and Todd should hear before then,” he says. “Is Todd still there?” 

“I'm here,” Todd answers for himself. “Although not for much longer. My parents are picking me up this afternoon.” 

“I'm glad I caught you, then,” Knox laughs. “Father would have really grumbled if I wanted to make two long-distance calls instead of one."

We both chuckle, then I ask, “So what's so important that you called?” 

“Charlie's coming back to Welton,” he replies. “I wanted to warn you before you showed up and saw him. I did get him to promise not to harass you, Richard, since you did get the address for us all. I'm hoping he'll come around the way I did over time. But I figured if you ran into him unawares, you might say something that would make him lose his famous temper again.” 

“One display of his temper is enough for me,” I grin ruefully. “But I do appreciate the warning.” 

Todd adds, “Let me guess, he'll be rooming with you, and therefore in study group with us, right?” 

“Ding, ding! Give the boy a prize,” Knox chuckles. “Exactly. Look, I've got to go. See you in a couple of weeks.” 

“See you,” Todd and I chorus, then I hang up the phone. 

By unspoken consent, neither of us mention Charlie's imminent return to Welton at lunch. Mother went to extra effort to make a nice meal for Todd's departure, and we don't want to risk spoiling it for any reason at all. 

But all too soon, the Andersons pull up out front. I go with Todd to fetch his bags. While upstairs, I steal one last kiss. “I love you, Richard,” he says softly. 

“I love you too, Todd,” I reply equally softly. “Call me tonight, let me know you got home all right.” 

“I will,” he tells me as he picks up his big suitcase. I take the overnighters as we head back downstairs. 

Out by the car, Father is smiling while Dr. Anderson has an odd expression on his face, a mix of surprise and approval. “Todd, Mr. Cameron tells me you've been an exemplary houseguest,” Dr. Anderson announces in a tone of mild disbelief. “And he has offered to have you back just prior to school starting, if you would care to travel to Welton with them. I'm willing to allow it, as your mother wants to go to Connecticut to help Jeffrey settle in at Yale.” 

I note Father's silent disgust at Dr. Anderson's manner. Todd blinks, then smiles diffidently at Father. “I would like that, sir, and thank you for offering.” 

“Anytime, Todd, it's been a pleasure having you,” Father smiles. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm a firm believer in avoiding long farewells. I'll give a call on Monday, once I know exactly what my schedule looks like, so we can work out the arrangements for getting Todd down here with his school things,” he adds to Dr. Anderson. 

Todd and I load his bags into the car. “I guess I'll see you sooner than we thought,” he says, still looking dazed. 

I hide my smile, pleased by his reaction to my surprise plans. “I'm glad. Have a safe trip, and I'll see you soon.” 

He gets into the car and we wave at each other until they're out of sight. Then I go up to my room and just sit until dinnertime, already missing his quiet presence beside me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The named Twilight Zone episodes are indeed from the 1959-60 television season, and therefore would (maybe) have been shown in summer repeats. No, I do not actually know what was showing on tv in August of 1960. :-) Also, the mentioned places in Salem, MA all still exist, although the museum is now the Peabody Essex Museum and most of the rides at Salem Willows are no longer there. A carousel is still in existence, but is not the original. I have not been able to determine if the one that is there now might have been there already in 1960, or if it replaced the original carved wooden horse carousel at a later date, or even if it's a replacement for a second or even third carousel since the park came into existence. If anyone happens to know, I'd love to hear from you, just to satisfy my own curiosity.


	19. chapter 19

After dinner, Father brings up yesterday's conversation once again. “Are you truly that unhappy about the thought of going to Dartmouth, Richard?” 

How do I phrase this... “I'm not exactly unhappy, Father, but I also would rather go to UC Berkeley,” I answer carefully. “It's hard to explain. I just... I want to do something different. I don't want to go along with your plans for me just because they're your plans for me. They're perfectly good plans, but I don't think I'm entirely suited for them, sir.” 

Father nods, pursing his lips. “I did hope... I've watched the Kennedy family rising to prominence over the years through politics. I thought to do the same for the Camerons. But if you don't wish to be a part of that...” 

“I don't,” I interrupt. “AJ will be a wonderful political figure. But I'm too private and also too blunt of a person to be comfortable as the focus of the public eye. Look at how long it took me to find one friend I was comfortable inviting to the Island, for example. And I'm afraid that if I go to Dartmouth, following you and AJ, people there will expect me to be more like you and AJ. 

Father nods once more. “All right, Richard, you do have a point there. What do you propose to do with yourself, then, since you don't want to get involved with law and politics?” 

I breathe a silent sigh of relief. He's being reasonable. “I'd like to become a doctor, I think. Not a general practitioner, but a research doctor. Look at how drastically the incidence of polio has dropped in the last five years, ever since the vaccine became available. Maybe I can help make a vaccine for measles or mumps.” 

“That's certainly a worthy ambition, son. But why Berkeley specifically?” Father asks. 

“Well... several of us were discussing backup schools,” I explain, trying to find enough persuasive arguments without giving away my real reasons for wanting to go to Berkeley. “Some of the fellows were of the opinion that if we didn't get into the Ivy League school of our choice, we should find a college near to home and apply for a transfer every year. Others... Todd and I included... thought that we'd be better off picking out a top-quality school and sticking with that one for the duration. We did some research and came up with a few schools that looked interesting... Berkeley was one of them. And to be honest, a large part of the appeal is the distance involved. Just getting there would be an adventure and an education... and San Francisco is the cultural center of the West Coast.” 

“I'll make a bargain with you, Richard,” Father says after thinking that over for a moment. “I certainly respect your wish to enter medicine instead of law. And I can even sort of understand why you'd want to go out to California. But I want you to apply to Dartmouth anyhow. You may change your mind about California, and Dartmouth has a perfectly good pre-medical program. I won't force you to attend any given school if you'd rather be elsewhere, but I want you to keep your mind open to the possibility of Dartmouth... and the possibility that people there wouldn't just see you as a younger version of AJ.” 

I nod. “Yes, sir, I will,” I tell him. I fiddle awkwardly with one of the throw pillows on the sofa, not quite sure how to gracefully end the conversation, but desperately wanting to do so before I say something unfortunate. 

As it turns out, I'm saved by the bell. The phone rings, then Mother calls that it's for me. I gratefully make my escape and take the phone. “Hello?” 

“It's me, Richard. We got home all right. About an hour ago, actually, but they wouldn't let me call until after we had dinner,” Todd's voice sounds tired. 

“Was the trip awful?” I ask sympathetically. 

“No worse than usual,” he tells me. “Father went on for a while that he found it hard to believe I've been invited back, while Mother kept saying how grateful she was that they could go settle Jeffrey, since I would be fine with the Camerons. Eventually they changed the subject to some charity event that Mother is on the planning committee for, and seemed to forget that I was in the car with them. I like it better that way, to be honest. It's better than hearing all about how strange it is that someone likes having me around, and definitely better than hearing about Jeffrey.” 

God, I want to hug him right now. “I... you know what I'd say if I dared, don't you?” I can't take the chance that his is a party line, or that anyone is within hearing distance on my end. 

His voice softens a bit; I can almost hear the smile slipping onto his face. “I know. I'd say the same. I have to go, though, Father told me not to stay on for too long.” 

“I understand,” I say. “I'll give a call in a couple of days, all right? Maybe Tuesday, after my father talks to yours.” 

“Sounds good to me. Talk to you soon. Bye, Richard.” 

“Bye, Todd.” I wait for the click before I hang up. It's far too early to go to bed, but I head to my room anyway, wanting to avoid talking to anyone just yet. Instead, I pull out the telescope that Grandfather gave me a few years ago and set it up by the window. I watch the moon for a while, and I even catch sight of the Echo satellite that we heard about on the news when it was launched a few days ago. 

Eventually it gets late enough that I can slip into bed without arousing comment, so I do. Without Todd curled up beside me, it takes me a long time to fall asleep. 

Todd's parents end up dropping him off at our place on their way through to Connecticut to see Jeffrey settle into Yale for medical school. I personally don't see why they are bothering, as Jeffrey was already there following his internship, but since it means Todd gets a couple extra days with me, I'm not going to comment. Mother makes a slightly festive dinner to welcome Todd back. I can see he's nearly overwhelmed by the unaccustomed pleasant attention. 

After dinner and a round of Scrabble... which Mother wins as usual, although Todd comes in a much closer second than Father and I ever manage... Father offers us a choice. “We can leave for Welton tomorrow and take it easy driving,” he says, “and stop somewhere along the way for the night. Or we can be on the road before dawn on Sunday and push a bit to get there for the opening convocation.” 

Todd and I look at each other and shrug. “Whatever is more convenient for you, Mr. Cameron,” Todd replies. “I don't think there was anything in particular that Richard and I planned on doing tomorrow.” I nod agreement. 

Mother smiles. “In that case, I'd like to leave tomorrow,” she says. “You might enjoy getting up before the birds, Andrew, but I prefer to pretend that the sun rises about halfway up the sky rather than on the horizon.” 

Father laughs. “All right, we'll leave here about noon tomorrow, then. You boys have your trunks ready to load into the car no later than ten, then we'll have a nice brunch and get on the road. Evelyn, remember that little place in White River Junction? I think that would make a good overnight stop, then we'll only be about an hour away from Welton.” 

Mother nods. “Yes, Andrew, that sounds lovely.” She stands up after glancing at the clock. “If we're going to have brunch tomorrow, I need to speak with Betty before she leaves for the night. And then I think I'll try to finish my book tonight. I don't like bringing books on short overnight trips, but I also hate leaving one unfinished at home. You boys make sure you're in bed at a decent hour... no later than eleven, you hear?” She gives us a smile, then heads into the kitchen. 

Father stands as well. “You two are welcome to the television tonight. I have a couple of briefs I should work on so I won't have to rush on Monday. I'll be in my office if you need me for anything.” 

Todd and I head into the kitchen and load up with cokes and potato chips before settling in front of the tv. There doesn't seem to be much of interest on tonight, but at least in here we can talk without worrying about being heard. I close the study door behind us, then pull Todd into my arms. 

He relaxes in my embrace, pressing his face against my shoulder. After a while, I lift his chin and kiss him softly. “I'm so glad you're here,” I whisper. 

“I'm glad to be here,” he murmurs in reply. “Thinking of this got me through the last two weeks.” 

“That bad?” I ask sympathetically as we reluctantly part, not wanting to risk either of my parents popping in to say goodnight and catching us. 

“Well... better than it has been,” he says with a sigh. “A couple lectures about needing to raise my grades to get accepted to pre-med at Dartmouth, one about keeping my mind on my studies and not on girls,” he grins faintly at that, “and one about making sure I show my appreciation to your parents for taking me back to school with you. Other than that, they pretty much ignored me. I like it better that way.” He opens a coke and takes a drink. 

“I'm just glad you're all right,” I tell him quietly. 

He gives me a soft smile. “I have you, Richard, so I'm all right. Oh, and I got my money out with no problems. I'm pretty sure I'll have enough to buy an inexpensive car as well as pay my fees to Berkeley. It won't be anything fancy... more likely, something like a Volkswagen... but it will get us there.” 

I grin at that. “I hear they're not the most comfortable of cars, but they're reliable. Father says they're made so simply that there isn't much that can go wrong with them. Which makes them good cars for people who don't know much about cars, I would think. Goodness knows I qualify. I can drive, but I've never been too handy with tools. Changing a tire is about all I'm good for, when it comes to working on cars.” 

“Same here,” Todd chuckles. “I actually wanted to learn about cars when I was younger, but Father was horrified at the idea. 'You're an Anderson of Portsmouth, not some lowlife grease monkey!' he told me. But who knows? Maybe I'll have a chance to learn a bit after all.” 

“That wouldn't be a bad thought,” I agree. “I've seen those repair manuals for sale. Whatever car we get, it might be a good idea to pick up a repair guide for it as well. And some tools.” 

Todd nods, then reaches for the chips. We continue to make vague plans for getting to California as we watch tv, then we head up to bed shortly before the curfew Mother gave us. An hour after that, once I'm sure my parents are in bed, I slip out of my room and into Todd's. We fall asleep cuddled together. 

Come morning, we finish our last-minute packing and bring our trunks and overnighters downstairs. We eat, then Father helps us load the car. Mother, being Mother, nags us all to use the bathroom before we leave, then we get on the road. Mother seems especially pleased to have Todd with us, as it gives us even teams for the alphabet game and animal rummy, me and Father against her and Todd. 

As planned, we reach White River Junction around four in the afternoon. Father books us two rooms at the motor court, then Mother insists on doing a bit of window shopping before we find a place for dinner. The four of us walk around the village for a while longer after dinner, then turn in for the night. 

“It's going to be both easier and harder this year,” Todd murmurs as he slips into the bed beside me. “Easier, because I have you. Harder, because I have so much more to lose now.” 

“We're going to make it, Todd,” I tell him quietly. “We have each other, and the Captain is behind us. How can we possibly fail?”


	20. chapter 20

We get to Welton in plenty of time for the opening ceremonies. I'm glad that it's the juniors who traditionally carry in the banners and all that. I'm not sure I could stand to be called upon to define any of the Four Pillars this year. I sneak a glance over at Todd as Dr. Hager, the oldest staff member, lights the candle of the seventh grader on the first pew, passing the light of knowledge from oldest to youngest in accordance with Dean Nolan's traditional speech. Todd seems a bit tense, but not nearly as strained as I was afraid he would be. After the Four Pillars are defined, the headmaster introduces the new English teacher, Mr. Robert Standish. Like Mr. Keating, he's relatively young, somewhere in his thirties, I think. Unlike Mr. Keating, there's no real character to his face. He's a Columbia man, according to Nolan's introduction, come here from teaching at Hotchkiss in Connecticut. 

Father gives Mr. Standish a slightly suspicious look. “I hope this one doesn't try to inspire the boys to anything but their homework assignments,” he whispers to Mother. “The last thing Welton needs is another scandal like last year's.” 

“Shh,” Mother replies, although she nods her agreement. 

I try not to let my face betray how I feel about Father's words. He doesn't know, I remind myself. He can't know, not now, anyway. Maybe someday I can tell him. But not now. I have to get through senior year first, before I can tell him... well, both of them... anything of real importance to me. Still, I'm glad Todd is on the other side of me, and didn't hear that little exchange. 

Following yet another mumbled word or two from Mr. Alexander Carmichael, Jr., class of 1886 and the oldest living Welton graduate, the convocation comes to a close. We all file out of the chapel to say our farewells to our parents. Mother catches Todd unawares, hugging him as well as me, and Father shakes both of our hands. With a final wave, they make their way to the car for their drive home. Todd and I head over to the dorm. 

We get our room assignment and bring our luggage upstairs. But before we can decide whether to unpack or go greet friends, Mr. McAllister comes around to send the seniors to Welton Hall for the annual assignment of extracurricular activities. I glance around the Honor Room, noting that our class is slightly smaller than many of the graduating classes I've seen since I've been here. But then again, our class is the first group to have been born during the war. I suppose it stands to reason that many people about the age of our parents didn't have as much opportunity to engage in the begetting of children once the United States got pulled into the war following the Jap attack on Pearl Harbor. There will only be thirty-nine of us graduating this year. Although it should have been forty. 

Todd nudges me just then, interrupting my musing. Meeks and Pitts are waving from the far side of the room. We wave back, remaining quiet while Dr. Hager shuffles down the stairs, followed by four young men. “Anderson, Cameron, Dalton, Overstreet,” he calls in his dry voice. 

Charlie Dalton gives me a brief sneer as we approach the stairs, but schools his face into neutrality as we file into the office. As usual, Dean Nolan is seated with a hunting dog at his side. 

“Gentlemen,” he greets us with a nod. “Mr. Dalton, welcome back.” 

Charlie gives a polite nod. “Thank you, sir,” he replies. 

Nolan looks us over carefully. “You men are familiar with the process by which I assign extracurricular activities,” he tells us. “However, the board of governors and I have decided to institute a few changes this year. From now on, each student will be permitted to join one activity of his own choosing. Anyone carrying six or more activities already will be given the option of dropping one to take up one of his own choosing.” He gives Charlie a stern look then. “However, the school paper is not an option for you, Mr. Dalton. Not after the way you abused your position there last year.” 

I can feel Charlie tensing up next to me, but he maintains his neutral expression. “Very well, sir,” he answers, his tone as controlled as his face. 

The headmaster studies us for a long moment, then gives a nod. “Mr. Dalton: Service Club, rowing, soccer, and what will your choice be?” 

“Drama, sir,” Charlie replies. It surprises me for a moment. Charlie was the other writer in the Dead Poets Society, the English coach for everyone before Todd came to Welton. Neil was the actor. Then I remember. He's been dating Ginny Danburry, who attends Henley Hall and is involved with the drama club there. By opting for drama, Charlie's giving himself the opportunity to see his girlfriend more often than just on pass weekends. 

Nolan nods. “Very well. Drama it is. Mr. Overstreet: Welton Society Candidates, the school paper, Sons of Alumni Club, soccer, and what else?” 

“Debate Club, sir,” Knox Overstreet requests. 

“An excellent choice. Mr. Anderson: Service Club, school annual, soccer, and your choice?” 

“Rowing, sir,” Todd says firmly. 

Nolan nods before shifting his gaze to me. “Rowing it is, Mr. Anderson. Mr. Cameron, you've had Welton Society Candidates, Debate Club, rowing, Service Club, Forensics, and Honor Council. Will you keep them all, or do you prefer to exchange one for something else?” 

“I'd like to drop Debate Club for Biology Club, sir,” I reply. 

Nolan looks surprised at that. “Not quite what I expected of you, but perfectly acceptable,” he tells me. “Right, gentlemen, you're dismissed. Make your senior year a successful one.” 

We file out behind Hager, then gratefully leave Welton Hall for the dorm. Todd decides to break the ice with Charlie. “Is it still Nuwanda?” he asks with a smile as soon as we're away from all teachers. 

Charlie gives me a hard look before answering with a question of his own. “Is Cameron going to fink on me if I say yes?” 

Todd shakes his head. “Of course not. Didn't Knox tell you anything about last term?” 

Knox breaks in then. “I couldn't say as much as I wanted to. They open letters at Choate, he warned me about that right away. And on Fire Island, there was no real getting away from the families. But if we can find somewhere to talk...” 

“How about the chapel?” I suggest. “If we sit in the middle, we'll be able to see anyone come in before they're close enough to hear us.” 

They nod and we change directions to head to the chapel. Charlie looks expectantly at Knox. “Well?” he asks. 

“Remember I told you I was writing to the Captain?” Knox asks. At Charlie's nod, he continues. “Well, it was Cameron who got the address for us. He's changed for the better, believe me.” 

I give Knox a smile as Charlie's jaw drops. 

“You... but... for God's sake, why?” Charlie explodes after a moment. 

Knox shakes his head, glancing from me to Todd, then putting a finger to his lips. I understand the warning, and I won't tell Charlie the whole truth. “Well, to start with, the more I thought about... what I'd done... I came to the conclusion that I was wrong. That I'd been so wrapped up in trying to live up to my father's standards that I'd missed the whole point of everything the Captain tried to teach us.” 

“You can say that again,” Charlie mutters. 

“When we came back after the holiday recess, Nolan decided to swap everyone's room assignments. He put me and Todd together, and as good as told me he did that because he knew he could rely on me to report on any 'irregularities' in Todd's behavior. Well, that made me take a good hard look at myself, and I didn't like what I saw. I finally realized that just because others expect something of you, giving it to them isn't always the right thing to do. And I decided I had to change, before I got to the point that I couldn't.” 

“He started out just being polite to me,” Todd picks up the story. “Even when I was pretty damn rude. Eventually, I tried to get him to start a fight. I said something that he could have gotten me expelled over, since I was on probation all of last semester for not signing the accusation. Instead of going to Nolan, Richard apologized for having gone to Nolan back in December. We ended up talking and becoming friends.” 

I nod, grateful that Todd also noticed Knox's warning. “Anyway, I decided to prove that I meant what I said, about wanting to become a better person. I figured that of all of the members of the Dead Poets Society, Todd was the one I'd hurt the worst by what I did. Well, you also, but you weren't there to make things up to... and anyway, I figure that punch you threw on me probably evened things up some between us.” I rub at my cheek and nose in remembrance; Charlie has a mean right hook. 

Charlie chuckles a bit sheepishly. “Yeah, I suppose it did. Even if it was the last straw that made Nolan decide to chuck me out. Hell, if I hadn't pulled off that article in the paper plus the phone call from God, Nolan probably would have let me stay even with punching you. He likes my family's money.” 

I choose not to comment on that, knowing he's probably right. “Well, I tried to think of what I could do for Todd, to show that I meant what I said. And then it occurred to me, he probably would like to hear from the Captain. So I snuck into Nolan's office and dug through the teachers' files until I found his address. Todd got Knox to talk Chris into getting any replies for us, since we knew Nolan would never let a letter with John Keating's return address on it get through to a student. And in my first letter, I apologized to the Captain for what I'd done. He answered that I shouldn't blame myself for getting him fired, because Mr. Perry blamed him and went to Nolan and the rest of the administration before I did. That there wasn't anything any of us could have done to prevent him from getting fired, once Neil...” I swallow hard and shake my head, unable to go on for a moment. 

Knox covers while I compose myself. “Once the letters started coming, it was easier for the rest of us to start letting Cameron back into the group. The Captain pretty much told us all the same thing, that we shouldn't blame anyone here at the school for what happened. Well, I showed you the letters he wrote me when we were on Fire Island, so you know that. And I'll give the boy credit, he's even better than Meeks in chemistry, and I know I was glad for the help. By the time school let out for the summer, everything was almost like it had been before, only better in some ways, because by then, we all knew we could trust Cameron. He'd earned that trust.” 

I blush a bit, once again cursing my redhead's complexion. Charlie laughs. “All right then. To you guys, I'm still Nuwanda if you feel like calling me that. But I'll also answer to Dalton or Charlie.” He looks at me, his expression serious. “I think we both did some growing up since December,” he says. “I'm willing to start over if you are.” 

I nod, then offer my hand. “Richard Cameron, nice to meet you,” I smile. 

He chuckles and shakes. “Likewise. Charlie Dalton. My friends call me Nuwanda.” 

Todd claps. “All right, we've got a truce. Let's go unpack now, and find Meeks and Pitts. I want to hear what they've been up to all summer. Especially with Amy and Tina.” 

Knox grins as Nuwanda looks astonished. “They really did find girlfriends? You weren't just kidding me?” 

“Real girls,” Knox confirms. “Girls that know electronics, no less. I'm never sure whether to be amazed or scared when the four of them get talking...” 

We head back to the dorm, continuing the conversation as we find the other two and help each other unpack. Pitts is jubilant that his father agreed to let him try for MIT. And he's even more excited because Amy also plans on attending MIT, much to the surprise of the rest of us. But Meeks points out that while female students are not precisely sought by MIT, they are admitted, and have been since 1870. With Amy's background, she'll have a better chance than most young women at getting into the highly competitive school. He adds that while Tina wants to try for MIT, her parents are not supportive of the idea. Her mother wants her to go to her alma mater, Bryn Mawr. Tina is hoping to compromise on Radcliffe, so that she'll at least remain in the Boston area near Amy and Meeks at MIT. 

Knox and Nuwanda talk about Fire Island, and the fun they had when Chris and Ginny came visiting. Todd and I talk about Martha's Vineyard. Todd is just telling about catching the shark when a younger boy comes down the hall hollering for Knox Overstreet. “You've got a visitor,” the boy says when Knox pokes his head out the door to ask what's up. 

“I bet it's Chris!” he grins, heading for the stairs at a rapid clip. The rest of us laugh and follow more sedately, to give him time to greet her properly. 

Chris laughs when she sees the five of us come piling out of the dorm. “I might have known I'd get the full welcoming committee,” she grins. Then she walks over and gives each of us a peck on the cheek in greeting, earning a few whistles from some of the other fellows who happen to be outside. Then she pulls a large envelope from her purse. “I have letters for you guys.” She hands each of us a letter, except for Nuwanda, of course. “Sorry, Charlie, but I'm sure you'll have one in the next batch, now that you can also write him,” she tells him. 

“No problem,” Nuwanda grins. “Knoxious will let me read over his shoulder anyway. Are you and Ginny still planning to meet us in town when we get a pass in a couple of weeks?” 

“We are, yes,” she replies. Then she looks towards me and Todd. “Carol will come along too, if you two are still willing to meet her.” 

“Sure thing,” Todd says. “But we've still got some unpacking to do, so we'll leave you alone for now.” 

I get the hint, and I nudge Meeks and Pitts as well. It takes them a moment, but they also realize that Chris and Knox probably want a few minutes alone. Knox hands Nuwanda his letter and tells him he can read it first if he wants to. Nuwanda heads back into the dorm, as do Meeks and Pitts. Todd and I head for the bleachers by the football field instead, since the sun is still up and the day is warm. We relax against the top railing as we read. 

**Dear Richard,**

**I'm glad to hear your summer went so well. Poker will prove valuable in your future, no matter where you go. After all, men always need to have the occasional poker night. It sounds as though you and Todd had fun.**

**The wedding went well. Jessica was even more beautiful than she normally is. And I cannot recommend enough that you boys see Yellowstone if you have a chance. It is absolutely breathtaking! In places, the land looks like the set of a science fiction movie, as though it were on some other planet. I know you know about the geysers, after all, who doesn't? But did you know there are places where you can see boiling mud? And hot pools of water in a rainbow of colors as well. And all that is in addition to the beauty of the mountains and the forests of the area. I hope you and Todd will get to see it when you come to California.**

**And on that note, I'm going to wish you a happy and successful school year. Keep me updated in all you do, and I'll keep you updated about UC Berkeley.**

**Your Captain,  
John Keating**


	21. chapter 21

As it turns out, we end up with a round dozen of us meeting at the soda shop in town on pass day. Me, Todd, Knox, Nuwanda, Meeks, and Pitts bike into town together. When we go into the shop, the girls are waiting... Amy, Tina, Chris, Ginny, and two unfamiliar girls. One must be Carol, and I can only guess that the other is a friend of hers, brought along for moral support or perhaps to be fixed up for the Halloween dance with me or Todd. 

One of the strange girls, with red hair, grins when our group walks in the door. “Redheads of the world, unite!” she calls over to me. “We must bring about the downfall of blond supremacy!” 

Chris, the only blond in the group of girls, laughs. “Sure, Carol, sure. Anything you say.” She beckons us over and makes the introductions all around. The other girl is Carol's roommate Linda. As I'd surmised, Carol suggested she join the group so that we'd have an even number of couples planned for the dance. 

It turns out to be an enjoyable pass day. Both Linda and Carol are quick to accept that Todd and I are taking them to the dance as friends, but they're pleased enough to be escaping the random draw that they have no problem with this. It probably helps that they're sophomores, too, and therefore less likely to be seriously thinking of commitment quite yet. 

Naturally, the first order of business... after ordering ice cream sodas... is to come up with coordinated costumes that will also pass the decency codes of the schools' dress policy. Tina is already grumbling that she wanted to go as Altaira Morbuis and have Meeks be Commander John J. Adams from the movie Forbidden Planet, but the Henley headmistress already announced that no costume will be deemed acceptable unless the skirt is at least knee length. 

“How about we go as Martians, then?” Meeks suggests. 

Amy pouts. “But that was what Gerard and I were going to do!” 

Pitts takes her hand with a smile. “We can all four be Martians... Marvin the Martian and his cousin Melvin, and their girlfriends Marcia and Melly.” 

Tina grins. “Oh, I like that one! With helmets like Commander X-2 in the Bugs Bunny cartoons?” 

Meeks laughs. “Sure, why not? Between the four of us, we'll surely manage to find some way of making them.” 

Carol, who seems to have selected me in accordance with her redheads unite speech, smiles at her sister. “Who or what are you and Knox going as, Chris?” 

“Um... I don't know... something romantic, though,” Chris replies. 

“You're both blond, how about Brunhilde and Siegfried?” Todd suggests. 

Knox laughs. “It's a good thing I'm tall,” he comments. “I suppose I can pull off a warrior's physique. Chris, you'll be beautiful as a Valkyrie.” 

Ginny twines her fingers with Nuwanda's. “Charlie, will you laugh if I say I want to go as Cinderella and Prince Charming?” 

Before he can answer, Knox laughs again. “Him, charming? You've got to be kidding, Gin.” 

“Oh, hush, you,” Nuwanda shakes his head. “Ginny, I'll be happy to be your prince for the evening, as long as you don't try to run away and drop a slipper.” 

Carol giggles. “Nothing so romantic for me, ick! I want to be someone strong. Rosie the Riveter, maybe. Will they let us wear pants, do you know?” 

Tina thinks. “I don't recall hearing that we couldn't. Just no short skirts or anything with a lower neckline than the average formal gown.” 

“Great!” Carol smiles. “So, dungarees and a blue work shirt and loafers for me. I'll be a lot more comfortable than most of you. No high heels to worry about. But what will you be, Richard, if I go as Rosie?” 

“I can ask my father to send one of his old Army Air Corps uniforms and wear that,” I decide. “That should coordinate fairly well. What about you and Linda, Todd?” 

They look at each other. “Um... I like The Wizard of Oz. Maybe something from that?” Linda suggests tentatively. 

“How about you be Dorothy and I'll be the Scarecrow?” Todd seizes on her idea with a smile. “The ruby slippers will be the only slight problem, right? But not too bad. You can get an inexpensive pair of pumps... or maybe use an older pair that you'd be replacing soon anyway... and cover them with glue and red glitter. And you can carry a basket, and maybe put a stuffed dog in it for Toto.” 

“And you can get some old beat-up clothes at a thrift shop or a rummage sale, and maybe there's a farm around here that will let you have a little bit of hay to have poking out here and there,” Linda grows more enthusiastic when her idea isn't immediately shot down. 

We finish our sodas and move as a group to the pizza parlor for lunch. The conversation swings from the Halloween dance to the upcoming production of The Taming of the Shrew at Henley Hall and the parts that Ginny, Charlie, and Linda hope to land in it, to everyone's plans for next pass day. We decide to meet up as a group again, so we can let each other know how we're progressing on our costumes, just in case anyone runs into a problem and needs to rethink the plans. 

After lunch, we split up. The four couples head off to wherever “their” spots might be for some time to themselves. Carol and Linda head for the clothing stores to start looking for what they will need for their costumes. Todd and I walk our bikes across the main road to the common, where a few old men are playing chess and some small children are flying kites. 

It's a beautiful late September day, just a hint of crispness to the air but not yet cold, and with the blue skies and golden afternoon sunshine that can only be found in New England in the fall. It's not yet peak leaf season, but the trees are already sporting patches of color among the green. As we'd planned earlier, we settle in at one of the common's picnic tables and pull out our writing paper and pens. 

**Oh Captain, my Captain!**

**I'm pleased to hear that your wedding went well. I hope we'll get the chance to meet Mrs. Keating someday. After all, if she's your choice, she must be someone very special indeed.**

**Charlie Dalton is back at Welton. He's done some growing up in this past year the same as I have. I don't know if he and I will ever be close friends, but we're no longer enemies, anyway. He's rooming with Knox Overstreet this year, so he's back as a part of the study group as well. Dean Nolan wouldn't let him back on the school paper after that article he slipped in last year, so he's doing drama this year. He's also still dating Ginny Danburry, which I think is why he went for drama. I finally managed to get out of debate club, and I'm in the biology club instead now.**

**And... Todd and I have dates for the Halloween dance. Chris asked if one of us would take her sister Carol, to save her from the random draw. Carol will be going with me, and Todd is taking her roommate Linda. They're both sophomores, and we've made sure they know we're only going as friends. They don't seem to mind any, since it saves them from getting stuck with who knows what as partners. Linda and Todd are going to be Dorothy and the Scarecrow. Carol is going to be Rosie the Riveter, and I'm going to wear one of my father's old Air Corps uniforms so that we're a somewhat matched set. It ought to be interesting. Friends or not, this will be the first time I've ever had an actual date for a dance.**

**I hope your school year is off to a wonderful start, and I can't wait to hear back from you.**

**Your friend,  
Richard **

I seal my letter into its envelope and wait for Todd to finish his. While I'm waiting, I scribble off a quick note to Father, asking him to send one of his old uniforms. Once he's done, we head to the post office to send them out, then swing by the diner for BLTs to take back to school with us for dinner. 

By our next pass day, we're all firmly settled into our usual school routines. Classes and activities, meals and study sessions absorb the majority of everyone's attention. I'm more grateful than ever that Todd helped me earn back the trust of the others last term. That old saw about not knowing what you have until it's gone is true. I was always so busy avoiding closeness with anyone for fear they'd guess my secret that I never realized how much I liked them all until they turned away from me. 

But now the camaraderie is back. This time, I'm not going to mess things up for myself. Now I know what being a good friend is all about... and I'm going to make sure I am one, to all of them. 

And that's starting by helping carry the costume gear into town on our bikes. Todd and I don't have anything too bulky for ourselves, but Knox has a big horned helmet and a wooden greatsword as part of his Siegfried costume. As if that wasn't enough, Meeks and Pitts have some rather large bits and pieces as well, which I can only describe as brightly colored motorcycle helmets with scrub brushes stuck on top... four of them, presumably two for them and two for Amy and Tina. 

We manage to get ourselves and all our paraphernalia into town without dropping things more than a couple of times along the way. As planned, we head straight for the pizza parlor this time, and claim adjoining tables to wait for the girls to arrive. We order a couple of pizzas, a plain cheese and one with the works, plus a couple of pitchers of Coke. 

The girls and the food arrive at the same time. There's a flurry of greetings exchanged, then we all sit and grab some pizza before pulling out what we've come up with for our costumes so far. Carol looks especially proud of herself for finding the perfect accessory for her Rosie the Riveter costume... a man's tool belt, with a hammer and a small rivet-setter hanging from the loops. 

Knox, Chris, Meeks, Pitts, Tina, and Amy are all trying on their respective helmets... Chris has white-feathered wings on hers where Knox has horns... and laughing. Then Meeks notices that Nuwanda and Ginny are empty-handed. “Hey, you two, haven't you worked on your costumes yet?” he asks. 

“Of course we have,” Ginny replies. “But we're Cinderella and Prince Charming. Would you bring a white ballgown into a pizza parlor?” 

“We showed each other our costumes when we auditioned for The Taming of the Shrew yesterday,” Nuwanda adds. “And Ginny's got a point about bringing white into a pizza parlor.” 

Meeks, who just managed to drip sauce on his shirt, blushes. Tina grabs a napkin and mops him up with a grin. “At least you'll be wearing a red shirt to the dance,” she quips. 

Todd looks at Linda, who also auditioned. “What parts did you all get?” he asks with a smile. “I forgot about the auditions, so I didn't ask Charlie last night.” 

“Ginny is going to be Bianca,” Linda smiles. “And Charlie is Lucentio. I'm going to play the widow who marries Hortensio at the end.” 

“Congratulations, all of you!” Todd applauds and the rest of us join in. “We'll be sure to come see the play and cheer for you all.” Everyone agrees with this plan, tentative as it might be. Then we get back to the dance plans. 

Carol looks over my father's old Air Corps uniform. “I like the dark brown shirt with the light tie,” she comments. “I don't think I've seen any military uniform like that before.” 

“Father said that was a way to be different,” I explain. “Since the Air Corps was part of the Army until 1947, the Air Corps did what they could do distance themselves from the regular army, as far as uniforms went. Dark shirts with the light ties, for example, and flight groups would make up patches based off of the nose art of the ranking pilot's plane.” 

“That's interesting,” Chris comments. “Someone ought to write down things like that, so they'll be remembered. It's always the little things that get forgotten, yet that's what makes history so interesting.” 

“You can always write it, Chris,” Knox smiles. “You did say you wanted to teach history while I'm in law school, after all. Why not write a book while you're at it?” 

Chris laughs. “I think I'll have enough to do,” she says. “But speaking of writing...” She reaches into her purse and pulls out letters for all of us guys. “Mr. Keating wrote again.” 

Todd and I both smile as she hands us our letters. But we try not to be too obvious about wanting to take off from the group to read them. Fortunately, the pizzas and Cokes are just about gone and everyone is getting ready to part company anyway. The couples all stroll out holding hands, while Linda and Carol decide to head back to Henley Hall to get an early start on their French homework. 

I look across at the common, but as it's now peak leaf season, the grass is crowded with people photographing the town and the trees. Todd frowns. “I say we pick up some snacks and go back to school. It'll be quieter there. Maybe we can take a scull out,” he suggests. 

“Sounds like a plan to me,” I agree. “Especially since it's going to be too cold to row soon. We can read our letters on the lake.” 

A stop at the store gains us a bag of potato chips, ham and cheese grinders, more Cokes, and Hershey bars. We cycle back and stow the food in our room, then take ourselves to the boathouse. McAllister is on duty once more and greets us with a smile. 

“Back for a row, then, lads? Mr. Anderson, I'm glad to see you did get into rowing this year,” he says as he unlocks a scull for us and gets out the oars. Then he drops his voice. “Your older friend's wedding went well, and his bride is quite the sweet lady. I think they'll be very happy together. Don't tell the Dean, of course, but if you come by my office Monday afternoon, I'll show you a picture of them.” With that, he shoves the scull away from the dock and walks back into the boathouse. 

Todd and I grin at each other as we row away. “Fancy McAllister going out there for the Captain's wedding,” I chuckle. 

“I wonder if Nolan knows he went?” Todd laughs. 

After we make a couple of circuits of the lake, we ship the oars and pull out our letters. 

**Dear Richard,**

**I'm glad to hear that you and Mr. Dalton are no longer enemies, even if you're not good friends. That's one of life's hardest lessons, you know, that of getting along with people you're less than fond of being around. But it's one that every man needs to learn, as you can't always choose the people you work with. Make friends where and when you can, by all means. But practice diplomacy with the ones you would prefer not to call friends, and you'll increase your chances of success in almost any endeavor.**

**Congratulations on getting into the biology club this year. As I recall, you always did favor the sciences over literature... not that I consider that a problem, despite being an English teacher. I expect you'll do well with it, especially since it is your choice, and not something chosen for you.**

**As to your date for the Halloween dance, I'm sure you'll have a good time. I'm glad to hear that both your date and Todd's are aware that you are escorting them as friends only. It does make things easier when everyone is open about their intentions and expectations. I'm sure you'll have a good time, even if you do have to dance more frequently than you would had you gone stag. Dancing really isn't all that bad, I promise.**

**Things are going well here. I'm very much enjoying married life, as well as teaching at Berkeley. College teaching is less restrictive than even I'd expected. I think I'll be very happy here, especially with Jessica by my side. With any luck, you'll not only get to meet her, but perhaps also our first child when you come out here for college. She hasn't made any announcements yet, but I am a bit suspicious of her behavior lately. Perhaps I'll be telling you officially by my next letter.**

**Your friend and Captain,  
John Keating **

Todd and I do make a point of stopping by McAllister's office on Monday, under the pretext of asking a question about the homework. True to his word, he hands us a few color snapshots from the wedding reception. We both chuckle at the one of Mrs. Keating feeding the cake to the Captain... apparently she shares his sense of humor, because she's mashing frosting onto his nose. We thank him for showing us the photos, but as we start to leave, Todd pauses. 

“Sir? I was wondering... since you're obviously still in contact... if we took some pictures of us at the Halloween dance, would you be willing to send him copies? I... suspect he might like that... like to see that we're all doing all right after... everything.” 

McAllister's eyes soften a bit. “Aye, lad, I suspect you're right about that. He asks after you all in his letters at that. Sure, if you get some pictures, I'll be glad to send them on for you. Just don't tell the Dean, all right, lads?” 

“We won't,” we promise, then we hurry back to the dorm. 

Come Saturday and the Halloween dance, all six of us are in a very cheerful mood. My grandfather sent me a brand-new Nikon F camera for my birthday this year, so I'm all set to be the group photographer tonight. Of course, Todd insisted that I show him how to use the camera, pointing out with perfect logic that if I'm taking all the pictures, I won't be in any of them. 

As this dance is far less formal than the Valentine Ball, there is no sit-down dinner with the girls beforehand. We simply meet up with our dates (or our random draws) in Welton Hall, then proceed to the gymnasium for the start of the festivities. Knox, Meeks, and Pitts spot the girls first, as Chris's Valkyrie helmet and Amy's and Tina's Martian helmets help them to stand out from the crowd. We all head over to greet them, and I hope to get some pictures before we head in to the dance. 

However, the first thing I do is blush, when Carol greets me with a wolf whistle. “There's just something about a man in uniform!” she declares to appreciative giggles from the other girls. 

“Oh, I don't know, I like the ray gun better than a tail gun,” Amy quips, patting the toy weapon at Pittsie's waist. 

I take a deep breath, thankful to have the attention off of me. “How about the Martians get their pictures first? Each couple, then all four of you together,” I suggest. 

They agree, Amy and Tina cheerfully, Pitts and Meeks a little reluctantly. Then I shoot Siegfried and Brunhilde, more commonly known as Knox and Chris. Ginny and Nuwanda have managed to put together outfits straight out of the Disney Cinderella movie. She's even managed to find a pair of shoes made of some sort of clear material. After I photograph them, Todd does a credible imitation of the Scarecrow giving directions to Dorothy. Linda laughs when a bit of straw escapes his sleeve and lands in her hair when he swings his arms around to point in both directions at once. 

Then Todd takes the camera and shoves me forward. I stand ramrod straight, saluting Carol, who is standing in the “We Can Do It” poster pose, flexing her arm with a determined expression on her face. After he's done, I check the camera. There are only two shots left, so I set everyone up for a group shot, then grab Jim Chapman to take the last couple of pictures. With luck, they'll come out all right. I run the camera back up to the dorm, then we all head into the dance. 

It's actually sort of fun, having Carol as a date rather than a random draw. Of course, it helps that she and Linda are friends, so that the two of us are sticking pretty close to Todd and Linda throughout the evening. Todd is clowning around, trying to dance like Ray Bolger as the Scarecrow, and swiping the toy dog Toto out of Linda's basket and declaring his undying love for it. Carol, meanwhile, is strutting around, even as we're dancing, grinning about having the most comfortable feet at the dance, at least among the female half of the population. 

Of course, I have to admit, for all I'm enjoying myself, I wish things were different. It hurts to watch Knox and Chris together, or Nuwanda and Ginny, or Amy and Pitts, or Tina and Meeks. Because they can be with the ones they care about, and I can't. Not in public, anyway, not here, not now. Maybe not ever, and that thought hurts more than anything. It's crazy of me to be feeling like this, I know it is, but I can't help it. I'm jealous. Jealous of our friends that can show off their feelings. And even a bit jealous of Linda, simply because she's the one dancing with Todd tonight, and I can't be. 

Eventually the evening ends. We escort the girls back to the Henley Hall buses, saying our farewells under the watchful eyes of Dean Nolan and Dr. Hager. Once they're aboard for the trip across town, we head back inside to get out of our costumes. 

“I'm glad this night is over,” Todd sighs as we shut the door of our room behind us. “This hay is itchy!” 

“I'll help you find it all,” I offer, tossing the uniform hat onto my desk and loosening the tie. 

He smiles, then grabs the tie and pulls me close. “Carol was right about one thing,” he murmurs. “There really is something about a man in uniform... do you know why I was being such an idiot tonight?” 

I shake my head, my hands moving to pull the hat from his head. “You were just having fun, I thought... playing the part of the Scarecrow.” 

He wraps his arms around me then, pressing his hips against mine. “I wanted to make sure Linda didn't think this,” he shifts slightly, letting me feel his arousal, “was for her. I've been wanting to drag you off somewhere private ever since we got dressed up. By clowning around, I managed not to dance especially close with Linda.” 

“Oh,” I manage to breathe before giving in to what I've wanted to do all night and capturing his lips with my own. 

We pull apart just long enough to undress, then we fall back into each others' arms. I chuckle as I hear the distinctive sound of creaking bedsprings from next door. Someone's been affected by his date to the point of taking matters into his own hands, as it were. So much the better, actually, if anything is heard from our room, people will assume that one or both of us is doing the same thing. 

I start nuzzling Todd's neck, licking at the spot that I know drives him wild. He retaliates by leaning over to take me into his mouth. I barely contain my moan, twisting around to do the same to him. We haven't dared this too often here at school, but we both seem to need the reassurance of being together, after our dates tonight. Todd's hips start to rock against my face and I know he's close. Daringly, I reach around, caressing his backside, then letting one finger drift along the split, just brushing over his opening. That gentle touch is all it takes to push him over the edge, and his reaction triggers my own. 

He turns once more to snuggle into my arms, kissing me gently. “I love you, Richard,” he whispers. 

“And I love you, Todd,” I whisper in reply, my breath gently stirring the hair by his ear. I press a soft kiss to his temple as we both relax. “We should write to the Captain tomorrow,” I mumble. 

“Mmhmm,” I think I hear as sleep overtakes us both.


	22. chapter 22

I wake up to an unexpected chill beside me. I instinctively try to snuggle closer to Todd before realizing he's not in the bed and that's why I feel cold. The sound of a pen scratching on paper tells me he's either doing a class assignment or writing to the Captain. I suspect it's the latter. 

I stretch, and he looks over and smiles warmly, then offers me a stick of Wrigley's spearmint... a trick we figured out over the summer, to keep from greeting anyone with suspicious odors on our breaths. And much more important to do here, where the bathrooms are public areas. I pop the gum in my mouth with a smile. “Thanks, Todd.” 

“You're welcome,” he tells me, sticking the paper he was writing on into his English textbook. Huh. Maybe it was an assignment after all. Not that it really matters. “Do you know if we had any particular plans for study group tonight?” 

I think. “Pittsie was looking for some help with Latin,” I say. “But I don't know if he wanted to do it in group or just have Meeks give him that help this afternoon. Why, do you have anything you need help with?” 

Todd laughs. “Well, I can always use help with calculus. Honestly, I don't see why they make us take it. Oh, sure, it'll help us get into the Ivy League schools. But really, if you're not going into engineering or architecture or something like that, what earthly use is knowing how to calculate definite integrals?” 

“You do have a point,” I admit, chuckling. “But then again, I've never quite figured out the use of analyzing the writings of Mark Twain or Charles Dickens, either. Maybe it's helpful to those of you who intend writing fiction someday, but how is that going to help me find a vaccine for measles?” 

Todd comes over and gives me a hug. “We are an ambitious pair, aren't we? And that reminds me, we've only got a week left to get our college applications out. Did you finish all your essays?” 

I nod as I pull him close. “Mmhmm. But I wouldn't mind if you edited for me.” 

“Sure, I can do that tonight, unless the others have anything in particular to do.” Todd kisses my cheek, then pulls away slowly. “We should get dressed. It's almost time for chapel.” 

I climb out of bed with a sigh, and we dress and go about our day. I don't know why, but it seems harder in some ways, hiding from everyone this year. Maybe it's because I'm finally comfortable with myself and I want everyone else to know who I am, and not who I pretend to be. Or maybe it's just because I love Todd so much and wish I could tell the world... without fear of the consequences. Maybe someday. But not today. 

Chapel, lunch, study, dinner, more study... it's a normal Sunday, perhaps a little livelier than most due to everyone still being silly following the dance last night. Todd ends up editing Pittsie's application essays as well as mine, while Nuwanda does the job for Knox and Meeks. I help Todd and Knox with calculus while Meeks gives Pitts and Nuwanda some Latin pointers. And after dinner, we all write to the Captain. 

**Oh Captain, my Captain,**

**Well, my first date went reasonably well. Carol seemed to enjoy herself, anyway, and I have to admit, she's not bad to have as a friend. I almost hope she and Linda don't get asked out by anyone before Valentine's Day, so that Todd and I can take them to that dance as well, and be spared the random draw. Of course, that's being a bit selfish. I certainly wouldn't begrudge either of them finding a proper boyfriend they could be happy with.**

**Still, I can be comfortable with Carol, I think because we both know she's not going to become a girlfriend, just a friend who happens to be a girl, you know? So there's no feeling of expectation, like I've gotten from some of my random draws of the past, that maybe I'll like her enough to make her my girlfriend.**

**Of course, what I'd really like, is to be able to take Todd to a dance as my date. Or at least to be able to hold his hand in public, without fear of being expelled or beaten up or both. That hurt more than anything else... knowing that even though Todd and I were with Linda and Carol just as friends, we were still with them sort of under false pretenses. That we really wanted to be at the dance with each other, because we love each other the way Knox and Chris do, or Nuwanda and Ginny Danburry. I love him so much, Captain, I'd marry him if it was possible. But I can't even say that out loud around here for fear of what would happen as a result.**

**But enough of feeling sorry for myself. We have each other and that's what's important, right? And we did have fun at the dance. My grandfather sent me a camera for my birthday, so we'll be sending pictures of all of us, once I get them developed. Mr. McAllister showed me and Todd some pictures from your wedding... Mrs. Keating looks very nice, by the way, and you look good with frosting on your nose... and said he'd send you some pictures of the six of us if we gave him some.**

**It will be pictures of the twelve of us, though, since they're all from the Halloween dance. Knox and Chris as Sigfried and Brunhilde, Nuwanda and Ginny as Prince Charming and Cinderella, Pitts and Meeks and Amy and Tina as Martians, then Todd and Linda as the Scarecrow and Dorothy, and me and Carol as an Army Air Corps officer and Rosie the Riveter. Plus a couple of group shots that I had Jim Chapman take for us, if he didn't mess them up.**

**In other news, we've finished up all our college application essays, and we'll be sending the applications out tomorrow. Todd and I are busy making our plans to drive out to California, and we're looking forward to seeing you again at Berkeley. And we do seem to be keeping things going here... at any rate, I've not seen any signs that anyone suspects we're anything other than roomies and good friends.**

**Study group is going well, and we've discovered that Pitts is surprisingly good in physics, especially considering how tough a time he has with most of his classes. Maybe it's because of how much he likes tinkering with electronics and such, and with physics, he can actually see some of the applications for the formulae we have to learn.**

**Hope to hear from you soon.**

**Your friend,  
Richard **

When we're done with our letters, it's almost time for lights-out. Todd hurries upstairs ahead of the rest of us, saying something about getting into the showers quickly because he thinks there's still some hay from his costume down his back. I don't believe him, since I inspected his back quite thoroughly last night, but if he wants to grab a shower a little early, before there's danger of the hot water running out, I can't blame him. 

Nuwanda takes the letters, as he'll be having dinner with the Danburry family tomorrow, and so he'll be able to mail them in town. We all head upstairs and to our rooms to grab our pajamas and take our showers. 

When I get into my room, I suddenly understand why Todd ran on ahead. There's a piece of paper on my pillow, in his handwriting. Whatever it is, he wanted me to see it without him hovering nearby. My heart clenches for a moment in fear... does he want to break up with me? I take a deep breath and pick it up, then smile. 

**Better Than Perfect**

**Some say that love should be a perfect thing.  
** **They place the ones they love above the rest**  
**To stand below, and adoration bring.**  
**They think to treat their loves this way is best.**  
**My love is human, though, and so I say**  
**We share too much to place him up on high.**  
**We share our smiles and laughter every day.**  
**I see my love reflected in his eye.**  
**Had he been perfect, we would not now share**  
**Our love, which came about through our shared pain.**  
**I'll be forever grateful he did dare**  
**To offer me his hand to both our gain.**  
**Perfection is a dream I don't repine.**  
**My love is better: human, and he's mine.**

I'm completely stunned, and nearly in tears. When Todd returns from the showers, all I can do is pull him into my arms and whisper, “Thank you!” 

************************************************************************************************************************************************

Life at Hell-ton carries on as usual for a few weeks following the Halloween dance. When the pictures come back from being developed, we all get a laugh at how we look in our costumes. Since I ordered double prints, I give one whole set to McAllister to send to the Captain, then offer the others the pictures of themselves with their dates. I still have the negatives, of course, so I can get more prints made later if I want them. But I have the group shot for myself, and that's the one I really want, since Todd and I managed to stand next to each other in it. 

The day before Thanksgiving, Nuwanda comes back from the play rehearsal at Henley Hall with a packet of letters for us from the Captain. As usual when letters arrive, study group breaks up earlier than usual so that we can all head to our rooms to read in relative privacy. 

A small newspaper clipping falls out of when I open my letter. Curious, I look at the headline... “Politics: A Queer Thing?” The little article talks about the recent mayoral election in San Francisco, the attempted smear campaign by one candidate accusing the incumbent of “harboring sexual deviants” in the city, and the subsequent abstention from voting for either candidate by a sizable chunk of the population. Presumably, all the queer people of San Francisco. I turn to my letter, figuring the Captain must have some sort of point he's illustrating with the article. 

**Dear Richard,**

**I'm glad you had a good time at the dance, even if Carol isn't your first choice for a date. I am glad to hear that you can consider her a friend. You all looked wonderful in the pictures, and seemed to be having fun. Which is the point of a dance, after all.**

**I do sympathize with your desire to tell the world honestly who you love. Even out here, you'll need to be careful. But change seems to be in the wind. I've enclosed a news clipping you might find interesting... although I suggest you destroy it after you and Todd read it... which shows that the city's elected officials are starting to realize they can't just ignore the people, even the ones they don't approve of. And I'm hearing rumors that some of the taverns frequented by those same people are planning to protest the police harassment that so often comes with such things.**

**It likely won't happen this year, or even in the next few years. But I do firmly believe that changes are coming. Changes that will make it possible for you to be able to stand up and tell the world who you love. Who knows? Perhaps one day you will be able to marry the one you wish to.**

**In other news, I was correct in my suspicions about my wife's behavior. I am indeed to become a father. In early May, according to Jessica and her doctor. I'm still not sure whether to be ecstatic or terrified. Most days I'm both. She is doing well so far, and the doctor doesn't see any problems happening at this point, so all I can do is try to remain calm and help her shop for the nursery furnishings.**

**Looking forward to seeing you come summer!**

**Your Captain,  
John Keating **


	23. chapter 23

It’s nearing the end of May… nearing our goal, graduation. It’s almost hard to believe that in two more weeks, we’ll be out of Hell-ton, free men, at least until college starts up in the fall. On this, the final pass day of the term, Todd and I are bicycling into town to buy a car for our road trip to Berkeley. It’s finally starting to hit me, the last six months have been real and we’ve almost made it. I think back as we ride… 

Todd spent most of the winter break with my family once more, allowing his parents to go to Connecticut to spend time with his brother Jeffrey. Knowing something of Todd’s and my wish to go to California for college, Father gave each of us a road atlas and travel guide for Christmas, along with memberships to AAA. Grandfather gave me a checking account in my own name with $500 in it, for the trip and to pay for any car troubles that might happen as we travel, and he gave Todd a nice journal or logbook sort of thing so we could keep track of our expenses on the road. I’m glad my family likes him. I can only hope they won’t hate him whenever we finally tell them the truth. I hope they won’t hate me, too. 

Mother and Father drove us back to Welton a day earlier than usual, so they could head south to Washington D.C. for the Kennedy inauguration. Even though Father knows I won’t be helping to promote the Cameron name through politics, he figures it won’t hurt AJ’s future political standings any to keep up ties with the Kennedy family. Several other students made the early return along with us, and for much the same reason. In February, Todd and I escorted Linda and Carol to the Valentine’s Ball. Both girls looked pretty, Linda in light blue and Carol in a deep green. I played photographer once more for our group, and with a little help from Carol who told me what to watch for, I managed to get pictures of Knox officially proposing to Chris, with him down on one knee and slipping the ring onto her finger. 

Late April and early May brought the college acceptances. Meeks and Pitts both managed to get into MIT like they wanted, and Nuwanda and Knox both got into Yale. Chris would be going to Southern Connecticut State College to be near Knox. Ginny Danburry still had one more year at Henley Hall, but was looking into Connecticut schools as well for when she graduated next year. To his own relief as well as his father’s disgust, Todd got wait-listed for Dartmouth, and was given grudging permission to attend UC Berkeley. I also got into Berkeley. Dartmouth did accept me, but I’d already had Father’s permission to make my own choice of school. 

I smile at Todd as we pull up outside the little village’s car lot. “Finally feels real, doesn’t it?” I ask. 

He grins back a little nervously. “Yeah. I think this is where I’m supposed to ask you to pinch me or something, to make sure it’s not all a really elaborate dream.” 

My grin turns evil and I reach over and pinch his arm. He yelps and swats my hand and we both start laughing. Parking our bikes, we walk into the lot and look around. Todd runs a wistful hand over the fender of a brand new Chevy Corvette. I wince a little at the price in the window, though. We could afford it… barely… but it’s just a two-seater, hardly any cargo space. We really need something with a back seat as well as a good-sized trunk. 

After consulting with one of the salesmen, we eventually decide on one of the traded-in cars, a green 1959 Volkswagen Beetle with a reasonable price. Todd gives the lot owner an extra $10 to keep it there until school is out, as we can’t have personal cars on campus at Welton. Our next stop is the hardware store, where I purchase a good toolkit and a repair manual for Beetles, then we head to the town hall to find out what we need to do to get license plates for the car. Todd will have to come to town at some point on a weekday in order to fill out the necessary paperwork. 

He chuckles as we leave the building. “I should probably go to the dentist once more on my father’s money anyway,” he laughs. “So I’ll make an appointment for sometime this week, and take care of the paperwork at the same time. Nolan respects dental appointments.” 

“True enough,” I agree. Changing the subject, I ask, “Think Mrs. Keating had the baby yet? The Captain didn’t say anything in his last letter, but we’re due another soon. Unless it came and he’s too busy to write.” 

“He wouldn’t do that,” Todd tells me. “No way. He knows we’re all wondering about the baby. I bet he even long-distance calls McAllister when it comes, because he knows McAllister will tell us the news. Besides,” he grins, “in my last letter, I asked not only that he inform us of the birth, but the gender and name as well.” 

I grin. “Smart man. I knew there was a reason I love you so much,” I murmur, glad there’s no one around to hear me. 

“I love you, too,” he whispers back, a light blush tinting his cheeks. In his own bid to change the subject, he asks, “What do you want to do for lunch and dinner?” 

“Grilled cheese at the diner for lunch,” I suggest. “That’s what I’m in the mood for anyway. With onion rings and a chocolate frappe.” 

Todd smiles warmly. “Sounds good to me. You know I love chocolate frappes. How about something like meatball grinders for dinner? Or since it’s light until fairly late now, we can even stay in town for dinner and have something at either the diner or the pizza parlor.” 

“Staying in town sounds good for a change,” I decide after a moment of thought. “The weather is nice, we can start working out our trip, and just relax.” 

“Relaxing is good,” Todd agrees as we pull our bikes up at the diner. “This year has been great, but so tense, too…” 

“I know,” I nod. “But we’ve made it. It’s almost over. We’re almost free.” 

“Free,” Todd echoes with a smile. “I like that word. I like it a lot.” 

***************************************************************************************************************************

The sun is just sinking low enough to start tinting the sky pink and orange when Todd and I get back to the dorms that night, well pleased with our accomplishments of the day. We head inside, just in time to pass Knox escorting Chris out to her bicycle. 

They both smile and say hello as we step out of each others' way, and Knox mutters, “Letters came. I tossed yours into your room.” 

“Thanks,” Todd says. Then we both hurry upstairs and into our room so we can start reading. I tear mine open eagerly. 

**Dear Richard,**

**It's a girl! Her name is Jill Marie Keating, and she was born on the third of May. Jill and her mother are both healthy and happy. Expect Mr. McAllister to pull you aside at some point to show you the photo I sent him. I'm sure I'll have plenty of others to show you by the time you and Todd arrive out here.**

**Speaking of which, I'm quite proud of you both, for standing up for yourselves and your dreams, and for pushing to do what you want with your lives instead of following other people's plans for you. I don't believe I ever told you this before, but that's something with which I am quite familiar. My own father wanted me to become an architect, but I preferred English literature to mechanical drawing and the work of building up young minds to the work of building up houses. I was fortunate in my grandfather, who never had the opportunity to graduate high school, but who greatly valued education and educators, and who interceded with my father to allow me to earn my English degree and teaching certificate.**

**I'm also glad that you two seem to have made it through the year without any problems. Knowing how conservative Welton is, I worried that if you did get caught, you'd end up hurt by your classmates as well as expelled by the administration. It's good to know you're well and preparing for your trip out here. I'm very much looking forward to introducing you to Jessica and Jill. I realize this will be the last letter you'll be getting from me before the end of school, but I'm expecting at least a couple of postcards from you and Todd while you're traveling out here.**

**Eagerly awaiting your arrival,**

**your Captain, John Keating**

Todd grins at me as we both look up. “Think they'll give the next one a J name too?” he asks. 

“Probably,” I chuckle. “John, Jessica, Jill, and... what do you think, James, Jason, or John Junior?” 

“It could be Jennifer or Janice, you know,” Todd points out. 

I nod. “True enough. Well, we can always be nosy and ask once we're there. Where do you think he'll enjoy getting postcards from? I thought maybe the Smokey Mountains, somewhere in Kansas, and of course Yellowstone.” 

Todd considers. “I don't know. We can always decide when we're on the road, after all.” He stretches. “I think I'm gonna hit the showers early tonight. My shoulders are still sore from gym class yesterday.” 

“Go for it,” I nod. “I'm a little stiff myself.” I smile then, lowering my voice to a near-whisper. “Want a massage when you come back?” 

Todd returns my smile with a nod, and vanishes to the showers. I change into my pajama pants while he's gone. From down the hall, I can hear Nuwanda hooting over a package that arrived for him while he was out. I can't make out everything that's being said, but apparently some family member sent him a camera as a graduation gift. 

When Todd returns, he stretches out on his bed. I sit across him, straddling his legs as I pour a bit of suntan oil into my hands, then set to working the knots out of his shoulders. He gives a low moan of appreciation, which makes me smile. I give in to the temptation, leaning over to kiss the back of his neck. 

Since we both have our eyes closed, we don't notice the door opening just a crack. But a sudden flash and shouts of laughter from the hallway make us freeze and look towards the door. 

“How's it work, Dalton?” I hear. 

“The picture comes out the side when you advance the film,” Nuwanda's voice sounds just outside. “It should start showing up any minute now...” His voice trails off, then he gives a sudden yelp. “What the hell? I can't believe... you fucking perverts!” he screams, slamming our door wide open.


	24. Chapter 24

“Nuwanda...” I start to say, when I'm cut off by a right hook to the chin that knocks me into the wall. 

“I always knew you were slime,” Charlie rants, his eyes cold and furious. “I can't believe I've been friends with a couple of faggots! We all fucking trusted you!” He swings at me once more, this time punching me in the gut and making me double over, gasping for breath. 

Todd tries to pull him off me, but Charlie turns and throws him across the room. His head hits the iron bedstead and he drops to the floor. 

Outside the door, someone whose voice I can't make out through the ringing in my ears apparently picks up the camera and the picture. “Holy shit!” I hear from the hallway. “Cameron was kissing Anderson... they really are fags!” Three or four others pile into the room, filling the air with curses and cries of, “Faggot! Filthy queer!” A couple of them are stomping and spitting on Todd while at least one, maybe two, joins Charlie in punching me in the head and stomach. 

I try to fight them off. I try to get past them to protect Todd. He doesn't deserve to be hurt. But they outnumber me four or five to one. I break away and land on my knees by Todd, trying to push him under the bed, anything to get him away from them. But someone gets an arm around my neck and hauls me back, holding tightly enough that I have to struggle to breathe and my vision blurs. For a moment, I think I see Knox Overstreet's face peering in the doorway, looking deathly white. But then another fist lands in my eye and I can't see anything at all. I fall to the floor, brought down by flying fists and kept there with kicks. All I can do at this point is try not to scream or even groan. I don't want to give them the satisfaction. 

“What is the meaning of this?!?” McAllister's Scots brogue has never sounded so sweet to my ears. “Dalton, Richmond, Carruthers, Smith, Yardley... explain yourselves. What possible excuse do you have for entering your classmates' room and ganging up on them?” 

“They're a pair of lousy little faggots,” Charlie spits out angrily. “My uncle sent me a Land Camera and I decided to try it out. I saw their room was dark, so I figured I'd get a good joke picture of Anderson... Nei... well, I heard he tends to sleep with his mouth open, and I knew his bed was the one in view of the door. So I cracked open the door, pointed the camera at the bed, and took the picture. Only this is what I got out of the camera.” 

I manage to get one eye partway open despite the swelling, enough to see the photo that Charlie picks up from the floor and hands to McAllister. It's not the greatest of pictures, being off center and tilted at an angle. But it's unmistakably Todd shirtless on the bed, a contented look on his face, with me straddling his hips, my hands on his shoulders and leaning over kissing his neck. _That's it,_ I think. _We're done. Caught. Screwed but good._

McAllister coughs a bit at the sight of the picture. I give him a lot of credit, though, he keeps his thoughts to himself and his teacher mask more or less in place. “Be that as it may, Mister Dalton,” he says, “you still intruded into their room and acted in a manner unbecoming of a Welton student and a gentleman. While the behavior you photographed is not to be tolerated, neither is brawling. Correct action would have been to notify the headmaster or another teacher, not ganging up five against two, especially when the offense was not directed at any of you. Now, go clean yourselves up and go to your rooms. I expect the headmaster will be speaking with you all in the morning. There is to be no discussion of what just took place, do you understand?” He pockets the snapshot. 

“Yes, sir,” they chorus, their voices ranging in tone from vaguely ashamed to angrily defiant. Naturally, Charlie is the defiant-sounding one. They file from the room, then another figure steps into it. 

“Are they okay?” Knox asks hesitantly. 

McAllister bends over Todd. “Mr. Anderson has a nasty bump on the head,” he answers, “and they're both pretty battered. I'd like them both in the infirmary for the night, just to be sure. I'll have to carry Anderson. Mr. Cameron is conscious, but he'll likely need help on the stairs. Get another teacher to escort him, if you'd rather not be seen helping him, Mr. Overstreet. I know this is likely to get ugly, and I won't hold it against you for protecting yourself against the backlash.” 

Knox shakes his head, though. “No, I'll help. Cameron's the reason I've kept my place on the honor roll this year, helping me with calculus. I owe him for that.” He offers me his hand, which I blink at stupidly for a moment before taking, and helps me to my feet. 

“Thanks, Knox,” I mumble around a split and swollen lip. 

“You're welcome,” he says firmly as he pulls my arm over his shoulders in the accepted manner of supporting an injured companion. “Besides, if anyone asks, I can tell them Mr. McAllister asked me to help, and save my social standing that way.” 

McAllister gives a wry chuckle at that as he lifts Todd and leads us downstairs to the infirmary. As Knox helps me onto a bed there, I whisper to him, “You're a better frien'... than I deserve. Keep yourself safe from this. Don' let on that you knew.” 

He clasps my hand in silent understanding. “Get better quick, the both of you,” he tells me. “For what it's worth, I am sorry this happened.” 

“Not your fault,” I mumble as he and McAllister leave. 

The nurse fusses over Todd first, diagnosing him with a mild concussion as well as assorted bruises. She gets him an icepack for the knot on the back of his head where he hit the bedstead and wraps his ribs with bruise salve. I'm glad to hear her say he doesn't have any broken bones. 

Neither do I, thankfully. I keep still as the nurse gets me salved, iced, and bandaged. My entire face is puffed out of shape, and I suppose I'm lucky my nose didn't get broken. I will have a matched pair of black eyes, though, and my jaw is bruised badly enough that she warns me to stick with mushy foods for a couple of days as I likely won't be able to chew properly. She finishes, finally, and dims the lights for the night. Once she's gone, I let myself weep silently for the ruin of Todd's and my hopes. 

Dr. Hager comes for us late the next afternoon. Neither of us have spoken much, beyond reassurances to each other that we're not hurting too badly. I'm actually a little surprised we weren't summoned earlier in the day. I discover why when we arrive at Dean Nolan's office to find our parents sitting there along with the headmaster. 

“My God, Richard!” Mother exclaims, jumping out of her seat as she sees my battered face. 

“I'm okay, Mother, it looks worse than it is,” I reassure her quietly. I can't meet Father's gaze, though, I hate seeing the disappointment and sorrow in his eyes. “Sit down, please... let's just get this over with, then we can talk.” She returns to her chair and Todd and I also sit, occupying the two chairs obviously left for us in the center of the office. I notice that neither of the Andersons has so much as looked at Todd since Hager ushered us here. 

Nolan speaks. “I thought, in my years as headmaster here at Welton, that I had seen everything there possibly was to see. But this!” He tosses the infamous photograph onto his desk. “This has got to be the most disgusting thing I have ever had to deal with. Congratulations,” he says with heavy sarcasm. “You've just earned yourself expulsion, and with barely a week until commencement, too. I don't suppose you care to attempt to come up with some sort of excuse for this filthy behavior?” 

Todd goes deathly white and I take a deep breath. “It might not have happened at all if you'd handled things better last year when Neil Perry killed himself,” I say softly. “It wasn't Mr. Keating's fault. And then pretending it never happened, that Neil never existed... that just made it harder for us, you know.” _In for a penny, in for a pound,_ I think as I reach out to take Todd's hand. I'm not sure where this little speech is coming from, but I can't stop the words from spilling forth. “I... we both... had a crush on Neil. With him and Mr. Keating both gone, Todd was horribly alone and I was ostracized by everyone who blamed me for Mr. Keating's dismissal. Todd and I were roommates then, at your instigation as you may recall, Dean Nolan. And I can tell you now, he and I were both very close to... to following Neil. But we started talking instead, and mourned together and comforted each other. And as to that picture, well, whatever was happening, was happening in the privacy of our own room, and wouldn't have bothered anyone but for Charlie Dalton entering uninvited to first take that stupid picture and then to take the lead in beating us both senseless! That's what I would term the much more disgusting behavior. Sir.” 

Dr. Anderson's face looks as though it could be carved from stone, his expression is so cold. Dean Nolan is gaping at me, I think as much in shock that I dared say anything at all, as affected by my actual words. And Father... Father is looking at me with a touch of reluctant respect in his eyes. “My son does have a point,” he says mildly. “In the immortal words of Mrs. Patrick Campbell, 'I don't care what these people do, so long as they don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.' They were attacked in their dorm room, so whatever they were doing, they weren't doing it in the street, so to speak. What's more, wasn't the Dalton boy expelled from Welton for attacking Richard last year?” 

“Er... yes,” Nolan admits. “His family petitioned for his return... they're connected with the Overstreets, you know, a very old alumni family dating back to Welton's founding... you understand...” 

“I certainly do,” Father says, his voice heavy with meaning. “Just as I'm sure you would understand if I should choose to go to the papers to question why a boy expelled for his hooliganism was reinstated and allowed to attack his previous victim once again. Which I would have to do, if you were to actually expel Richard and Todd.” 

Nolan flushes beet red. “Are you threatening me, Mr. Cameron? These boys are guilty of perversion! I cannot let them contaminate the rest of the school! It would ruin us!” 

Father narrows his eyes. “Yes, well, what proof is there of their actions? Just this one picture? Destroy it, then the proof is gone. Punish them if you must, but let them graduate, otherwise I will make an issue of this whole affair.” 

Todd's grip tightens on my hand as we glance at each other, then look at Father, feeling a thread of hope for the first time since that picture was snapped. 

Our files... mine and Todd's... are on Nolan's desk. He looks through them for a moment. “All right,” he decides. “Mr. Anderson was to have received the award for highest marks in English, and Mr. Cameron was to have been Valedictorian. Aside from this... aberration... they have been exemplary students. I cannot condone what has happened here, but I am willing to simply strip them of their honors and allow them to graduate quietly with the rest of the class. Is that acceptable?” His tone implies that it had better be. 

Father nods. “Very well. The picture?” 

Nolan nods, then stands and tosses the picture into the fireplace. We all watch as it curls up and turns black, filling the air with the stink of burning celluloid. He looks at me and Todd. “You two will remain in the infirmary where you can be watched except for graduation rehearsals. Fortunately as seniors you have already taken your final examinations. I think I need not remind you both to remain silent with regards to this matter. Dr. and Mrs. Anderson, Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, you are welcome to use this office for anything else you might have to say to your sons, but if you will excuse me, I have duties elsewhere at this time.” He stalks out, clearly less than pleased with the situation, but resigned to it. 

Dr. and Mrs. Anderson stand as well. “There is nothing to discuss,” Dr. Anderson says coldly. “We have no son at this school.” He tucks his hand under his wife's elbow, and as he escorts her out he says, loudly enough to be heard, “Paige, I apologize for not having tried harder to find someone who would have done the abortion as you wanted back then.” 

I instinctively wrap an arm around Todd as he gives a soft pained sound. My parents look after the Andersons, wearing identical expressions of disgust and disbelief. Mother recovers her voice first. “I can't believe anyone would be so cruel,” she says, shaking her head. “I... well, I can't... I don't like this one bit... but that doesn't change the fact that you're my child and I'll always love you, Richard, even if I don't approve of... of this.” 

I blush and Todd starts to stand up. “I'll, uh, wait in the outer office... I expect you'd like some privacy...” 

“No, stay, Todd,” Father says quietly. “I think you should hear this, too. As my wife says, I can't approve. But I do respect you both for... for making your choice and seeing it through, especially knowing the risks you were taking. If this had to come out in this way, at least it was the Dalton boy leading the bunch. If it had been anyone else, I don't know if I could have out-argued the headmaster. Todd, I can tell you honestly that my son has become more considerate as well as happier since meeting you. Thank you for helping him become a better person. Richard, is this the real reason you didn't want to go to Dartmouth and law?” 

“Yes, sir,” I admit. “Because even if I wasn't taking my feelings for Todd into consideration, if I'd tried to join your firm or enter the FBI or go into politics, I'd always be afraid of having my secret revealed. As a medical researcher, I won't need to worry about that, not nearly as much, anyway.” 

Father nods. “Reasonable. And as I'm sure you understand, I can't risk this hurting AJ's political chances. If this is truly what you want, I can't welcome you back to the family home again.” He holds up a hand to stop me from saying anything just yet, then continues, “I won't cut you off completely. You are still my son. You may write, and you may telephone on Christmas and Mother's Day. When I return home, I will set up a trust for you. The interest will cover your educational expenses. You'll receive half the principal when you turn 21, the rest when you turn 25. Believe me, I don't like having to do this. But I can't openly accept a queer son without hurting AJ and possibly even myself. At the same time, I can't ask you to give up your... your happiness... and pretend to be something you're not in order to keep you nearby. Besides which, you're right in saying the risk of exposure is too great. This is the best compromise I can come up with.” 

“Thank you, Father,” I choke out. “I am sorry to be such a disappointment.” 

Mother puts on a brave face. “We''ll get over it,” she says, wrapping her arms around us both. “At least Todd is a nice young man. We have to go now, but we'll see you next week at commencement.” Father shakes hands with both of us, then leads Mother out. 

Todd looks at me dazedly. “You... you really will accept exile from your family, for me?” he asks uncertainly. 

“Absolutely,” I tell him softly. “You're the one who gave me a chance to redeem myself. I love you, Todd.” 

“I love you, too, Richard.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Land camera is the precursor to the Polaroid instant camera, only it used roll film instead of pack film. The Polaroid that most readers would recognize didn't arrive on the market until 1963.


	25. epilogue

Epilogue... December 1986, a small house near Duke University, Durham, North Carolina. 

I'm filled with hope for the first time in several years... hope that soon Todd and I will go more than a couple of months without losing another friend, without attending another funeral. And while my personal contribution might be relatively small, I can hold my head up proudly and say that I helped make it possible. 

I think back in time, back to that awful day when Todd and I nearly got expelled from Welton for being queer, or gay as they're calling it nowadays. My parents took it so much better than I'd feared, making sure that I'd be able to support myself no matter what, and Todd as well. Even to the point of sending us both checks on Christmas and our birthdays throughout our undergraduate years at UC Berkeley. Mother seemed to come up with an excuse to fly out to visit us at least once a year, and sometimes Father would come also. As to the rest of the Dead Poets Society, Knox Overstreet stayed in regular contact with us, while Meeks and Pitts limited themselves to sending annual Christmas cards. Occasionally Knox's letters would mention Nuwanda, but we never did hear from him directly after that night. 

And of course, our Captain, John Keating, along with his family, stood by us staunchly from the moment we arrived in California. He and Mrs. Keating welcomed us as extra sons, made us a part of their family. Little Jill called us Uncle Richard and Uncle Todd (as would her future siblings) from the time she learned to talk. The Captain was always ready with advice if needed, or just a friendly shoulder to lean on when the going got tough, which it often did. 

Our undergraduate years passed relatively uneventfully. Todd and I were there to toast the arrival of John Keating Junior in 1963, and stood as godfathers to Jason Keating in 1965. That same year, we received our undergraduate degrees. Todd went to work as a reporter for the San Francisco Chronicle while I went on to medical school. His work caused quite a bit of our personal tough times, as he became somewhat known for his articles calling for the fair treatment of the area's queer population. As a result, we became a target for area queer-bashers. Periodic assaults aside, those were good years. 

Our worst personal time was in the early 1970s. Once I'd completed my residency, I went looking for a position in a research laboratory. Unfortunately, nearly all of them were located in the east. Understandably, Todd didn't want to leave his position with the paper to move to an area that might or might not be as receptive to our personal lives as San Francisco was. We spent at least a year arguing about it. On the one hand, I couldn't blame him. On the other, I couldn't fulfill my ambitions while staying there. In 1972, I accepted a position in the labs of Duke University and told Todd I was sorry, but I had to do it, that he could come with me or not as he chose. 

And he remained behind. I threw myself into whatever projects came my way at the lab for the next year, slowly but surely giving up hope that he'd join me. After fourteen months, I ventured out to a gay bar in Raleigh on occasion, and even went on a few dates. But I never felt comfortable, and quickly turned back into a homebody, preferring to read or watch television over drinking and dodging pickup attempts. 

I was glad of that, when Todd turned up at my apartment early in the spring of 1974. He apologized for not coming sooner, I apologized for having been so stupid as to issue an ultimatum in the first place, and then we were back where we belonged, in each others' arms. He got himself a position with the Durham Morning Herald, and eventually took some evening classes for his teaching certificate and started teaching part time in the English department at Duke. He also got a poem published in The American Poetry Review for the first time. I was doing some teaching as well as my research by then as well, mostly on lab techniques and safety. 

Eventually we bought our house together, jumping through all the necessary legal hoops to make sure that if anything happened to either of us, the other would remain in possession of it. In the summer of 1982, we headed west to visit the Keatings. While there, our godson Jason enlisted our support in coming out as gay to his parents. The Captain lived up to our expectations and accepted Jason's news with the same love and compassion he gave us so many years ago. While there, we also attended three funerals, of men we'd met during the late 1960s, all three of whom were diagnosed with a collection of illnesses including Kaposi's sarcoma. I'd heard some rumblings about this in the research community over the previous year or two, something being called GRID, or Gay-Related Immune Deficiency. But by the time of the second of the three funerals, the CDC in Atlanta had given it a new name... Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, or AIDS. 

Horrified by the increasing numbers of friends and acquaintances being diagnosed with AIDS, and with Todd's blessing, I volunteered for Dr. Bolognesi's research group in 1984, when he first arranged the meetings between Dr. Broder of the National Cancer Institute and some of the top scientists at Burroughs Wellcome with the idea of developing a cure for this terrible disease. By the middle of 1985, we'd been able to confirm that “Compound S” was indeed effective against the virus causing AIDS. Approval for human trials came in with unprecedented speed, and the trials themselves called successful by September of 1986. 

I'm home alone right now, getting ready for the research team's celebratory dinner tonight. Our team, working with a group from the NCI and one from Burroughs Wellcome, sent off the final paperwork needed to the FDA this morning, to get the final approval for this drug to be made generally available. Given the life-or-death situation of its application, AZT is sure to be approved. It's not a cure, not yet. But it's the first effective shot fired in humankind's battle with AIDS. 

I check the clock, surprised that Todd's not back yet. But there's still plenty of time before we have to leave to make the dinner. I wonder if he's trying to cajole a co-worker or two from the newspaper to come along to the dinner with us. We'd gotten two pairs of tickets, as the Keatings had planned on coming for a visit. Unfortunately, that got canceled at the last moment when Jill, now married and expecting, went into labor and presented them with their first grandchild a month earlier than anticipated. The phone rings and I answer, “Hello?” 

“Richard, it's me,” Todd says, sounding disgruntled. I can hear street noises in the background. “Go on ahead to the dinner and I'll meet you there. My car decided to die on me and I've got to wait for the tow truck. I'll be there as soon as I can.” 

“Oh, hell,” I sigh. “It's always something. Are you sure you don't want me to pick you up? Lord knows what the taxi will cost.” 

“No, don't be late for the dinner. I'm maybe three blocks from the paper, I'll walk back and get someone to give me a lift.” 

“All right, Todd, if you're sure. Love you.” 

“Love you too,” he says softly, then hangs up. 

I head out to my own car and set off to the dinner. I hope Todd makes it in time for the speeches. I've been asked to give one, although I didn't tell him that, and I plan on reading one of his poems, taken from his first book of poetry which is supposed to be printed and out in bookstores next month. 

He's not yet there when the cocktail hour ends, though, so I resign myself to the thought that he'll miss his poem. Nevertheless, I approach the dais and take a seat with the other speakers. When it's my turn, I take a deep breath and walk to the podium. 

“I'm very glad and proud to have had a hand, however small, in taking this first step towards finding a cure for AIDS,” I say, probably sounding like a complete novice at speeches. “But of course, I didn't get here alone. I owe thanks to John Keating, my junior year English teacher at Welton Academy, for teaching me to dream. I'd also like to thank my parents Andrew and Evelyn for supporting me in following my dream. And most of all, I want to thank my partner, Todd Anderson, for being there for me without question or fail, and for being much better with words than I will ever be.” I pause to let the chuckles die down at that, then continue. “He's got a book coming out next month, but I think he'll forgive me for reading a bit from it now. This is 'Saying Goodbye', and I hope it's something we won't have to do so often in the future.” I smooth the page before me, then read. 

“Statistics on the news mean very little.  
A million strangers dead is just a trend.  
A thousand is nothing, when none are known.  
One is everything when the loss was a friend. 

No dignified farewells have been permitted  
Making proper closure hard to find.  
Yet rage and tears and sorrow fade away  
Replaced with smiles when you are on my mind. 

I'll make myself forget the pain and bad times  
And think of all the joy you brought to me.  
I'll see you living, loving, smiling, happy  
And hear you laughing in my memory.” 

I step away from the podium and off the dais to applause ranging from polite to enthusiastic, heading towards my table. Once I'm out of the spotlights, I see that more chairs are occupied than before I went up for my speech... maybe Todd got here in time after all? I still can't see too well in the relative dimness of the room, but I'm grabbed and hugged by a familiar pair of arms. 

“I can't believe you read my poem,” Todd whispers in my ear as he guides me towards my chair. 

I whisper back, “It's why I joined the team, you know it is.” And then I blink as my parents stand up to hug me as well. Todd is grinning smugly at the three of us. 

Common courtesy dictates that I stay quiet through the last couple of speakers, but as soon as the room lights come up, I turn to my parents with a smile. “What brings you two here tonight?” 

“Todd, of course,” Mother replies. 

Father chuckles. “It's true. He phoned us when after the Keatings had to cancel, and suggested we surprise you. He was picking us up at the airport when he called you to claim car trouble. After all, this is a special night for you and the rest of the folks who worked on this AIDS drug. I'm proud of you, son. You've done a really wonderful thing with your life. And also...” he looks a little uncomfortable, “I want to ask your forgiveness, for not being more accepting than I was, back when we learned about your relationship.” 

I share a glance with Todd and smile. “Of course you're forgiven, Father! You were actually a lot more accepting than I'd expected you to be. I honestly was afraid you'd treat us like the Andersons did. I... well, I'd known for a couple of years before Todd and I got together, that I was gay, and I was terrified of anyone finding out because I didn't want to hurt you.” 

“Well now,” Father says. I can hear in his voice that he's trying not to cry. “Now we've settled that, I think we're long overdue a visit from you two. We'd like you to come for Christmas if you can, although I know this is a bit of a late notice. If you can't make it for then, well, come up as soon as you can, please?” 

Todd takes my hand with a soft smile as I nod, too choked up to speak. We'd done it. We'd both achieved our dreams, we still had each other, and now we're being accepted fully by my family as well. 

That night, after my parents are settled in the guest room and Todd is in bed, I pull out my old stationery and start writing. 

**Oh Captain, my Captain,**

**You'll never believe what happened today! It was better than I ever could have imagined...**


End file.
